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This is my first post, but I have been reading posts on this board for awhile now and I've learned a lot, so thank you for that. I know I have no control and I have become a lot more calm about his drinking knowing that nothing that I do or say would make any real difference. I have also been practicing saying what I mean without saying it mean. Things were going better for me because of my attitude changes. A lot of fights were avoided too.
Well, last Friday, he went out with the guys for 'a couple'. That is something that VERY rarely ever did, he preferred to stay home so he could drink all he wanted, and no drink of choice, a variety depending on his mood. Anyway, to keep a long story short, he got pulled over on his way home and is charged with a DUI. He has to go to court this Friday. He has a temporary license, so is able to drive himself, I have told him that I am not planning on going with him although I have that day off of work. He's been sober since and said that he won't ever drink again, that this is his wake up call. Oh, how I want that to be true!
But, he had a CDL, and all he has ever done is drive for a living. He works for a well known company and even though he is working this week, he knows that he may lose his good job, but then not have any other career to turn to. He thinks that he hit bottom last Friday, but I'm afraid that it's this Friday that may be it.
We have talked a lot about things. He has told me he appreciates my reaction and attitude toward everything, basically I've just listened to him without much reaction or emotion. Inside, I'm in a turmoil as much as he is though. Is that still the control? I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown.
Welcome to MIP. Bottom?... it is hard to tell. And to be honest, it is a very hard road to walk if you "concentrate" on what might be his bottom. From what you have said, you are doing great on using the tools. The point of that exercise is to free you to live a happy healthy life reguardless of if he continues to drink or not.
I have been in Alanon for 11 months now, but over the past 6 years I have marked the points in time where my AW might have hit bottom.
Had an affair... bottom? no.
Lost all her friends... bottom? no.
Lost touch with all her family... bottom? no.
Husband declares 2 years ago that he won't live like this forever... bottom? She said, fine - leave.
Seperated from her husband and kids for 2 1/2 months now... bottom? no.
Until I learned to quit putting all my hopes and aspirations in her hitting her bottom, my life kept deteriorating.
Today I am trying to make decissions based on what I think, what I need, how I want my life to proceed. It is not perfect or easy, but I am better mentally with that plan. I know my HP will be there with me and we will get through it.
This family (which you are a part of) will help me through it too. Thanks for being here and posting. It helps us all. If you haven't, try the chat or the online meetings. The people here are great.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow! I enjoyed reading your first post! Welcome to the group. I've been here for a while, but I only post somewhat sometimes, depending on what's going on in my life, with my AH. Latey it's been getting more often, than not! <LOL> I have a C.D.L. because I'm a school bus driver. My "life-line" of employment also! I have to tell you tho, that I've read in a driver's manual (it depends on what State you're in)...that it is "automatically a year" suspen-sion...no if's, and's, or but's, about it. And that's for the 1st offense! (Yikes). Maybe he's got an "employee handbook" for the company he works for to check? One of our driver's got fired I heard last year because of a D.U.I...(and she was Off Duty), thank goodness. No kids. It could just be tho, that we live in an itty bitty town, and EVERYTHING goes in the newspaper, so the boss spared her the embarassment of dealing with the other driver's too about it. I didn't get nosy about what the court did to her. But I do know some states are very hard on Commercial Driver's when it comes to that. Take care of yourself, and know that there are going to be alot more replys to help you here, than just mine!! Hang in there! ok? Sometimes, just that first time is a "rock-bottom" and it turns a life around forever! I'll be praying for him that he's going to stick with what he said about not doing it again. We all make mistakes. That's just a part of life. Some learn from them and some don't. Looking forward to seeing you here more, and how it all works out. Hugs, Korinne
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
I feel from your post, you love him very much. The way you are staying back and not putting him down, or telling him what to do is perfect.
It is perfectly normal to feel bad for him. He has a disease that has gotten him into a pickle. I would say to my AH, I am so sad you have to go thru this.
It is not easy for us to see someone we love be so tortured. We can not do anything for them except take care of us and our family, and home. When we take care of us, and do not get into their businesss,they don't feel as guilty as they do when they we get upset, we yell, we hurt, they cannot stand seeing how they and their disease tears us apart.
Makes it easier for them if we take care of us and be strong and not put up with any of the diseases bs. Do our best not to let it get to us.
today is today. ONE day at a time. It is not Friday yet, his job is not in gone yet. I know a gal whos AH went thru this, and he does a delivery job with a big company. He kept his job.
It is all up to him. Whether he cont. to use or not, we learn in alanon it is not our choice and we do our best to not allow his disease to tear us apart.
When we let go of them, we don't gauge anything anymore on if he or she is using or not. Becuz the truth is, they are A and even if they are sober on program one minute, relapse is only a second away. And it is part of aism .
I am glad you are here. You have a good head on your shoulders. Your A is fortunate that you love him so much. love,debilyn
Hi cgolly, and welcome to MIP. rtexas is exactly right. We cannot predict when or if they will hit bottom. Each time my A sobers up from the last binge I hear, "I can never do this again. It is going to kill me." And it just might. Like rtexas said, bottom? Nope. So I don't wait for his "bottom" to show up if you will pardon the expression. I concentrate on me. That's the only thing to do.
COme back often. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Of course you are worried - if he loses his job that will impact you, too. That's the problem with "letting the A suffer the consequences of his actions" -so often, those consequences drag us along....
There is so much wisdom in your replies. I'm not sure what i can add! I agree with rtexas, their "bottom" is never easy for us to define. I know for me his "bottom" seems ever out of reach. I have done everything, from trying to help him to trying to make him see the error of his ways! How foolish of me! But, I did it all, over and over again....
Now, I can't anymore. Now is your chance to put yourself first. I know this is hard do do at first but it is an essential part of feeling better for yourself. Try to do something nice for yourself today. Maybe just a walk or gardening for a while or a long bubble bath....whatever you enjoy...just for you.
You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it and you can't change it. Try to remember this.
I realised early in my own recovery that he will do whatever he is going to do regardless of what I say or do. This was a hard lesson for me. I had to learn to save my energy for myself.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Keep coming back, we would love to hear all about you and your life.
I agree that it's hard to tell what anyone's bottom is. I recall readding in some AA literature that there was an alcoholic man who had lost everything - his job, his, family,friends, and was living in a mess in motel room,etc. ( it read something like this). Then one day as he sat on his bed, he bent over to tie his shoelace and the shoelace broke. The man said "That does it!" and then went for help. My own A "hit bottom" a few times, always after he found himself either very sick at home or in a hospital. So there's never really been a bottom for him the way I see it and I guess that's one of the reason it's one day at a time......jaja
Sometimes I think A's are just bottomless pits, there is no bottom, whatever you throw in there just keeps falling forever. I just want to be able to rely on someone again, to do what they say they will.
Something I've started to find helpful...whether he hits his bottom or not...the real barometer of all of this is...how is this all affecting me? I found I was making big decisions and taking actions on my life all centered on.....his recovery! I was hoping he hit bottom (he didn't) but even if he does, he can always relapse.
So hard to know and we hope and pray for that bottom so that one day......but the reality is - we have no idea if and when that will ever happen....we have to take care of numero uno first and foremost.
only he knows when he has hit his bottom . And if he works for a decent company they will give him a second chance, he may have to do the drug and alcohol testing to keep his job , but oh well , small price to pay for keeping your job . Try not to project disaster . one day at a time and leave the problem with him right where it belongs . good luck Louise
I really caught it yesterday that I do not respond to the A. I generally over-react. I am not beating myself up for that anymore. I just got into that modus operandi. Now I am trying to respond. I can only do that when I totally gave up on him for emotional support.
I no longer wonder what's next. I just live one day at a time. I can respond to what's next but I'm not second guessing anymore.
I see enormous strength in your post. I also hear the anger and frustration. I know the anger and frustration can totally consume me so I have to work on that sometimes 24/7.
I appreciate your post because it points me in the direction I need to go to.
I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown. 
Hugs, Korinne 
