Why doesn't mom want us to stay with her? - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Why doesn't mom want us to stay with her?

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RTEXAS))))
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLY SANE!!
You should be really proud of yourself through these trials and tribulations.

Christy

Mobirdie · Senior Member

My heart goes out to you and your son both. I went through a similar experience when my XDIL abandoned her three children at my house. They were to be here for 2 days and 3 weeks later she still hadn't come to get them. I was hesitant to call my son because at that time I was only suspicious that he might have an A/D problem but legally I had to do something. After the children were taken to my son's home his youngest son who was 3 at the time kept asking "Why doesn't my mommy want me?".

That was a toughie, how do you explain to a 3 yo that his mom does want him when all indications show that she is in deep trouble and probably doesn't know what she wants. We finally told him that Mommy does love you so much but right now she is sick so you need to live here at Daddy's for awhile. That seemed to calm him at times so the rest was just waiting for time and our HP to make things different. That was over 10 years ago and today this little boy and his other two siblings are living with their Mom because Dad's A/D problems excallated to the point that he couldn't even take care of himself let alone his children.

Being a grandma is a really hard job sometimes.

hersh · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RTexas)))

You are so wonderful to explain this sad situation to your son so well. You are teaching him compassion and to take care of himself, whether you know it or not. You are teaching him by example and by your explanations. I am sorry your AW is so sad, and seems to not know what she needs, she is lost in the disease. The good thing is maybe she will get sad enough to seek help.

I know how disappointing it is to see the alcoholic drink again, after getting your hopes up. My prayers are with you and your family every day...

Love, HeidiXXX

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, that was good work, good tact the way you explained it to your son.

I think what's really going on is that she's seeing that when she's sober that the family wants to be around her, the family is happy to be around her, the family is happy to be with her. Then the memories flood back of how long it's been since she's been sober and how much it takes to be sober on a long term basis. Then the guilt sets in. The grief and shame sets in. So she makes up some lame excuse. Then runs into the bottle. The irony is, as you can see, she's setting herself up for more misery by retreating into the same solution that's caused her problems in the first place.

I know for sure al anon has some adolescent books that discuss the disease of alcholism. Certainly organizations like hazelden and places like amazon.com or barnes and nobles will as well.

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Rtexas))))

When I started noticing things like that w/ my A was when it really dawned on me that my A's drinking had NOTHING to do with me...or my kids...it was him and his addiction. Part of that offered me relief (it really wasn't my fault!), but part of it made me uncomfortable because it just shook me that I really didn't have any control. No matter what I did, how I behaved, or what great ideal situation I helped to orchastrate -- my A was still going to drink. My A can make it to about 2 pm on a good day, as we approach 1 pm he starts with why he needs to wrap it up or get back to the house. My kids have learned to appreciate the moment -- and know how this works with their dad.

This awareness has helped me to let go a little bit more and the more I do that, the more room I give HP to do His thing. I don't think I'm programed to turn it over all at once LOL.

((((lots of hugs to you & son))))))

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

My dear friend,

You were dead on with your explanation. You son is sure lucky to have you for his father. Keep up the good work.

Peggy

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks RT for sharing this part of your recovery with us. It is so hard to know how to handle those situations as they come up, but you did an excellent job. Sounds like you know your son well and how he'll respond. He sounds like a level headed boy that has obviously been following your good example. You also seem to be dealing with this from the realistic mind set that your AW may not stay true to her word with sobriety. I was in meditation the other day praying over an issue in the home and I remembered not on my time but on HP's time. I just realized how long its taken my AH to get where he is now and that any other changes in personality flaws will take a while as well. What I do believe is that if we lovingly give over our spouses or whomever to HP that those issues are being worked out for the good of the person, even when it seems nothing is going on. Glad you were able to have a good weekend despite the sadness your AW is experiencing. Real growth in allowing her to be sad and not trying to fix it or change the mood she was in.

(((Hugs to you)))

Twinmom~

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Rtexas))

What a heart wrenching question. Hate that this awful disease puts you and your family in this situation. You should be very proud of the way you handled it - that seems to be a very healthy compassionate way to explain the situation.

Pat yourself on the back - the hard work that you have done in working on your recovery is definitely showing - Look how far you have grown. Thanks for sharing your recovery with us.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you & hope that this coming weekend will be filled with peace, love, serenity and hope.

Easy Does it,

Rita

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.