The material presented
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First I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I know for some the holidays is very difficult and a sad reminder of the state of affairs in their life, but I pray for blessings and hope for every person on this board during this season.
My way of coping and trying to make the best of the season was to put up the tree and decorations anyway and sit around the tree and enjoy the lights with my dogs and cats even if the recovering ogre doesn't want to enjoy Christmas.
Okay now to the question but first with a little bit of explanation. Fear is running my life and driving me to do and say things I wish I wouldn't say or do. As I had mentioned in another post during my husbands active drinking days he was in a two year affair and of course during that time there were all kinds of signs and symptoms of the affair.
Now that it is over I have major trust issues. You see because of his lack of affection/attention to this day, and various other things that on occasion trigger me I look for reassurance from him. Only he is a very grumpy unkind person and although he will let me know where he is and what he is doing, he is very verbally abusive and unkind if I ask to many questions. He says I'm a royal pain in his ass. The more cruel he is the more fearful and hopeless I become and the more I want to ask questions looking for reassurance.
There is never a time to talk with him that is right, never a time to be able to talk about my fears, insecurities, because of all that has happened and never a time to be reassured. I tried to explain that if he could just answer me kindly and take some time for me I wouldn't feel so fearful that he is or is going to do something wrong.
Anyway it's driving a further wedge between us and I know I need to stop this and just let him work on his recovery and me on mine, however; I'm terrified. You see I was hurt so badly that it literally broke me in heart and spirit. I don't ever want to have to go through that kind of emotional pain again. It just tore my up.
I don't know how to overcome the fear of being hurt so deeply again, therefore I can't seem to control my behaviour of questioning so much that it hurts more than it helps. I know I cannot control what happens in terms of his choices. I know I need to trust my HP, but folks I'm having trouble trusting my HP and I've always had a pretty good amount of faith in my HP...just can't seem to overcome my fear and trust issues.
Wanted to get some feedback on how others have dealt with the issue of fear. This fear thing is controling the way I live my life and I hate it. HELP!
First off I want to say Happy Holidays and good for you for taking pleasure in the little things that make Christmas extra special - like trees, lights and our beloved pets!!
I am deeply sorry for the added pain you have experienced that sometimes comes with alcoholism - the pain of an affair. How devastating that must have been and still is for you. Rightfully so, it sounds like you are trying to get reassurance from your A that it will not happen again. I would want the same thing. The sad thing, I'm not sure you can get that while he is still actively using and does not have the awareness to understand the insecurity you feel. He is blind when he is using. He isn't even aware of his own needs let alone yours. So I urge you not to beat yourself about having a lack of faith - it doesn't sound like that lack of faith is in your HP, it sounds like it is in your A - which is completely understandable.
I believe that the fear will subside when YOU have healed. You are still healing from what has happened and it doesn't sound like you can count on your A to help in that process. It is even more painful when we must recover, gain security and look for support outside of the person that we love the most. We are supposed to be able to count on our husbands, wives, family ... how unnatural it is when we are unable to do that. The blessing is that is why we have sites like this, friends and other supports.
You are in my prayers and I wish you many blessings!
My A is my son who is still active. I think I understood your post to say your AH is recovering. Is he in a program?
I think the only way to release that fear is to learn how to detach. Literally...expect nothing from your A. Expectations will fuel the disappointments and keep you in that fear.
I would say, for me, when I am able to just mind my own business, I can feel so much better. Now, I understand that there is a difference between a spouse and a child but the detachment from it is the same. It is for your sanity.
Try to keep enjoying the holidays. Go to face to face meetings and speak with people who can understand what you are going through. Make plans with other family members and friends. Force yourself to do it if you have to. I promise...you will feel so much better when you put the focus on yourself. I started to go back to church when it all came falling down on me. It is helping develope a relationship with my HP. Now, I hate to miss it on Sunday. It is really a way of taking care of me. Believe me...I am only a work in progress but feel I have come so far in this past year...and I believe you can too.
Those are all good points. He is going to AA but doesn't have a sponsor and in his words; he isn't sure you need to work the 12 steps or read the big book. I don't argue that I just listen and validate as my counselor told me to do.
I think I really haven't healed from the pain of the affair, still so fresh so I'm triggered so easy. Had another reaction today.... all was going well this morning until I brought up our anniversay and going somewhere he got mad and called me a friggin idiot, (that's the short version). Then later he sent me this chipper text message while I was out and asked if I was shopping for him, only my brain defaulted to what it's programed to default to; that the text message was for someone else because he's being mean to me and when he's mean to me that means someone else. At least during the affair it did.
Sooo I accused him of meaning to text another woman not me and he didn't know what the heck I was talking about, cause it turns out after we talked it through that it really was for me and I felt so stupid. I'm just so reactive. I feel out of control and I want to detach and just live my life but I trying to figure out how to do that in small manageble steps. What do small manageable day to day steps look like and how do I get my self esteem back??
I would ask myself.......how do I overcome the resentment?
The big book says in the ninth step......"after a few years of living with an alcoholic, a wife becomes worn out, resentful, and uncommunicative....how could she be anything else?"
You are going to be in a bit of a pickle here....because the big book suggests a small period of separation when there are strained relations.....I am assuming neither you nor he has another place to stay temporarily until the dust settles a bit....
You should refrain from nagging, for he is a sensitive alcoholic, drinking or not. Especially if he has no sponsor, or meetings to attend. He is basically a time bomb waiting to go off, and you are handy. It may not get much better in your home, even if you do start employing the principle of detachment, and start really focusing on yourself.....there are still bad feelings on both ends. Why would you trust him, and why would he want to be nice to you right now? A no-win situation if you can't try to take some space for yourself....it could escalate and get even worse than it is now.
Good for you putting up your tree! I know the first year I was separated from my wife (now ex) I didnt feel like putting a tree up. But some told me to do it anyway! And I was so glad I did.
As to your trust/self esteem issue.
My wife also cheated on me during our marriage. And once I found out about it, I felt those same obsessive feelings about wanting to know what she was up to and questioning everything I thought I knew about her and about myself.
I felt like it was my fault somehow. That I wasnt a good enough, lover, friend, husband..whatever. This caused my self worth to plummet to a point where I even apologized to her one day for making things such that she needed to go out and have affairs.
The best thing I can tell you, is what worked for me, as far as getting my self esteem back. Working this program.
Going to meetings, getting a sponsor, reading the literature, working the steps!
Their affairs are not about us. It is part of their character defects. Period. They can find a thousand ways to justify it in their minds, but that is their business. Not ours.
I have come to understand it doesnt matter how smart, good looking, kind, loving...or conversely, how rude, uncaring, bitchy..whatever! we are. They are the ones who choose to cheat. Just as we dont make them drink, we dont make them cheat.
Coming to love yourself and respect yourself is what will get your esteem back.
As to trusting. For me someone who has "done me wrong" they have to earn my trust back, if I choose to let them try. I am not gonna nag them. I am gonna do my best not to dwell on them in my thoughts. I will live my life, focus on me and watch their actions. If I find I just cant trust someone, then I just have let them go.
I walk on eggshells whatever the A does. If he is working he is grumpy, if he isn't working he is grumpy.
I have to keep the focus on me. I fall somedays. Yesterday was rough for whatever reason.The holidays are super hard for me. I have 2 more weeks of them. I will be so glad when they are over.
I went through this also. There were some days I felt so broken down I didn't want to get out of bed or shower or anything, I guess some would call that depression.
I can only speak for myself and not your situation, so for me things only changed when I changed my thinking. That included stopping looking to him for reassurance. It's like he'd do something that would really hurt me and then I would turn around and look to him to help me feel better!
I realised, and you might also one day agree, that only *you* can make yourself feel better. You can choose to be miserable or you can choose to say 'NO, I'm going to be happy and trust that I'm not all these terrible things he says I am'.
I think you kind of know this because you have acknowledged that looking to him for reassurance is only making you feel worse. You know this. You know in your heart what is right for you.
Maybe come to this forum when you feel down and write it out and then read it later to reassure yourself that your feelings are valid, and you don't need *him* to acknowledge it for it to be real.
I know it can feel lonely. I get lonely sometimes too, but sometimes being alone with yourself and being your own best friend is better than feeling broken and dependent on someone else to make you happy. Besides once you are happy you won't feel this mistrust because you will trust yourself to get through whatever happens - if it turns out he is untrue to you again you can trust you will be okay because you look after yourself, you will be too busy to care.
If he is verbally abusive to you he'll notice the change. I would take the risk and put on a brave face, act strong and like you could care less if he does something bad. Only do what you feel comfortable with - if you feel mistrust then what I would do is go and do something that you enjoy to take your mind off it and get back to a stronger place, make him wait and make him come to YOU. Try not to focus on him.
Happy holidays! I am learning to appreciate were I am on this day. This is not perfection. It is my 33rd anniversary on Christmas Eve and my AHsober is living in another town. So it is not what I hoped but I will celebrate life anyway. And for that fear, it is part of life but we just need to walk through the fear and see what is on the other side. You can do it. Our A's know how to push our buttons. so we have to put boundaries around our heart and soul.
First let me say how sorry I am for what you are experiencing. My father was the original alcoholic in my life, and mother had a life long affair with another man, starting when I was about 11, so I absolutely empathize with the pain that you are feeling. I know it is different that it is your spouse, and for me it was watching my mother carrying on the affair. I can tell you though, that my response was basically the same as what you described. I was vulnerable as you are vulnerable. In looking back on it, I agree with many of the responses that you have received. Nothing you did or didn't do, drove your husband to the alcohol or the affair. Relieve yourself of that responsibility, and you may find your appropriate anger, hurt, etc.
I am a recent returnee to Alanon, as my spouse is an active alcoholic, so my ability to quote from the Alanon literature is going to be very limited. I can tell you this, though. 10 years ago, I became very ill as a result of the things going on in my life. My alcoholic was in overdrive as far as his alcohol abuse went, my youngest sister was living with me (age 17), because she was unable to live at home with our mother any longer, I had a 9 year old myself, and I was in school and working a full time job. I made myself ill, taking on more burdens than one person should ever have to bear. Many of these were not my burdens, they were everyone else's. A very wise doctor sat with me and told me that if I didn't take care of myself, of my mind, my body, my heart and my soul, I would not be able to be good, really good for anyone. That sent me to Alanon in search of peace. That is what I would I wish for you. That you realize that you have no responsibility for your alcoholic's actions, and that, by the very nature of this disease, it is an inherent risk that loved ones, before a program for themselves, will feel as though it is something that they have done, could have done, or should have done. You sound like an incredibly lovely person, and I pray for you that you find the peace of the program.
When I first came to MIP my self esteem was very low. It was hard for me to realise this. I had a job and a car and was independant. I appeared confident, yet me self esteem was so low.
I had to really work on that. I read many books and I journalled every day, and gradually I realised there was a way forward.
I learned not to give my energy away to people who didn't deserve it. I learned that I have a responsibility to put my own feelings first. Thats a good way to gain respect from others.
Be kind to yourself, you really do deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Thank you so much, there are some really good pieces here that I'm trying to apply to my recovery.
Some of you have experienced the same devestation of an affair be it your spouse or parent, either way it's such a betrayal and it hurts. Thank you for sharing your stories and how you cope. I can relate so much to the emotions here, the depression, blaming ourselves, taking responsiblity for the A's actions, but it also encourages me that there is a way through the quaqmire of low self esteem and fear to a healthy confident self.
I'm learning to detach with love, my counselor and I talked about it yesterday. I find that when I stop making his business my business and stop asking questions that things are much more peaceful. She gave me an exercise to do when I'm triggered. It's kind of similar to that STOP, BREATHE, THINK concept. I had to practice it last night, cause he was a little later coming home. I found out was that he was the chairperson at the AA meeting and got to tell his story for the first time. Actually, I'm kind of surprised he spoke because he doesn't have a sponsor and he isn't really working the steps as far as I know, but he does religiously go to meetings. I guess when you have stayed sober for almost 7 months your first time around maybe that's impressive in and of itself. Sorry if I sound totally naive about this stuff, I still have a lot to learn myself.
I think it really made him feel good, he said a lot of people came up and thanked him. I was kind of proud of him actually even though he still doesn't want me to go to meetings with him or anything.
I also was given another intersting analogy. If you are a baby buckled in the back seat of a car and fear and anxiety were driving how would you feel? I thought well.... really insecure and fearful. Then my counselor said buckle fear and anxiety in the backseat and you drive. I keep trying to picture that when my fear comes up...I'm going to drive today.
Also like the idea of what mama nz suggested just writing my feelings down here on the board to be validated. Don't always have to look for validation from my A.
My counselor (who has worked in a rehab facility) also had a session with my A and we are going to start couples counseling together with her. She told me that the from talking with him he clearly had moved on as far as the other woman was concerned. That he was working really hard on staying sober and she said with only 7 months of sobriety he is really an infant in the program and that it's takes a lot of focus given the fact that he spent 18 years depending on alcohol to deal with life.
Thank you, all for the support here, it is an up and down roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty, but it really helps to hear others stories and apply those pieces to my own recovery.
