The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I swear I am (used to be?) an upbeat optimistic person who always had high hopes. Sometimes too high I guess. Now, how did I get to be the doomsday prophet. When the bingedrinking A gets sober and swears that all is well with the world I can only listen to a certain amount of what I perceive as bullshit. It is only a question of time before I point out that everything is exactly as it was before and therefore, most likely is only a question of time before he drinks again. How much bullshit am I supposed to listen to without saying anything? And why do I feel like such a phony when I do manage to keep my big mouth shut for a while?
I'm still going through this, however I have made a few realisations that have helped me: I used to think that saying nothing was being fake too, that detaching meant pretending that you don't notice it exists.
But my take on it now is that it means saying to yourself that if you think it is a problem it is a problem and instead of focusing on them and how to fix or stop them, focus on what *you* want.
In other words if you feel you are biting your tongue - you don't have to stay in the room with the person or stay on the phone, you can leave. You ALWAYS have a choice. If you wait for the other person to tell you to stay or go then you are handing over the choice to them.
You said 'How much bullshit am I supposed to listen to without saying anything?' - I think only listen to as much as you want to. If you are done then make the choice to leave or talk about it later. Only do as much as you can handle because in the end you only have control over you and none over them and what they do. So you may as well make yourself happy. I wasted years arguing for hours for days and weeks with my ex A and in the end it's all pointless, I should have seen the sunshine outside and gone for a walk it would have made better use of my time.
'Keeping your mouth shut' is a good idea only in the sense that it is a good idea not to enter into arguements or trying to rationalise irrational behaviour or talk sense into them.
You said you are usually an upbeat optimistic person - good! You still are that person, I'm sure, you probably have just become too focused on negative things the other person is doing - I heard a comedian Billy Connely say something that related this to me, on TV a while ago: he said something along the lines of: he was walking down the street and an old lady came up to him and said 'I've seen you on TV' and he's like 'Oh yes..?' and then she goes 'you're crap' and he says to the audience he was thinking to himself 'if she thinks this about me why did she bother to come and tell me - if she doesn't like me then why did she go out of her way to tell me. I'm an old man, if you think about it I only have x many years to live and I'll be d*mned if I spend the rest of them with people who don't like me, so I told her to F off! ...F off then!'
Well the A always has someone or something to blame. Its never him. He hasn't worked all week. He just sat around and did nothing. He played games for his usual 40 plus hours. He sat around, slept, every ounce of food in the house. Of course he needs it and his needs trump everything. On the other hand I am not supposed to have one day off ever. I worked two jobs recently getting no sleep at all. Did he lift a finger to help me now.
Yet all the time every word I hear out of the A's mouth is how hard he has it. How hard is when you are doing nothing but playing games for 40 hours a week?
Pretty hard I guess.
If I say one word its seen as treason so I say very little but I do set limits and I mean those limits. I also mean it when I say I have absolutely had enough of him.
I think most of us can relate to what you are saying. For me I had to learn that Actions speak louder than words. I also had to accept that this is a disease, one that is a battle for both us and the As. I had to accept that when my A said something, at that moment, he meant it -- only his addiction was stronger. It applies to things he's going to do, how he's going to be and every time related appearance he is suppose to make.
I had to just look at it as, if he doesn't drink -- that's wonderful. If he shows up, does whatever he has said he would do, etc. That's great. I just didn't count on it. I knew from experience that his actions were what counted. It didn't matter what he said. If there were things that I knew needed to be done (for example a bike to be bought for Christmas one year) then it had better be something that was not extremely important. I was only setting myself up by thinking I could trust that he would pick it up. -- and he didn't. You can bet I was mad, angry -- only I knew that that was one thing I shouldn't have placed in his trust to do.
So in a "normal" situation, we should be able to trust what our spouses say. We should be able to count on them etc. But ours is not a normal situation. It gets old listening to all the things they are going to do/not do. We want to scream "you're lieing and you know it!" But it does no good. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't make us feel better, it punishes the A and makes him feel worse ---and what will that get you?? more drinking. They punish themselves enough on their own.
This program reads easy but is hard to put into practice. And that is what it takes - practice. We learn to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. We lean not to stuff our feeling and also not to punish our A's. We lean what it is to detatch from them and yet still love them. We don't sink their ship and we don't try to keep it a float. We allow them the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making. And most important we lean to put the focus back on ourselves. That is how you will get that happy person back that you use to be.
Keep coming back. Read as much as you can about Alanon and this disease. Use this board to vent on instead of your A.
