The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My "A" likes to give me the silent treatment when things in his mind are not going the way he wants them to or I may have said something to him that offended him. I struggle with this and it hurts. I do not know how to approach him or the issue at hand. I find myself beating myself up as to "What did I say" or "What did I do"? Since being in the program I am learning how to deal with issues that come my way, but this one is hard. I sometimes feel he does this for control. Can someone out there help me ease my tension up on this. It's eating me up inside. I want to be gentle to him and myself. Thanks
In the acceptance paragraph, it says something to the effect of "any time I am upset, I am forgetting that this person, place or thing is exactly as it is supposed to be at this time, in this place, as it is, and I am giving my power away to it. I am letting it upset me." Whenever someone is being petty, snotty, or acting like a middle schooler--and, let's face it, adults don't give eachother the silent treatment if they're behaving like adults--I let them go. It's none of my business why the person is acting the way they are, and, in truth, what they're gunning for is a power struggle game--by making me so uncomfortable with myself, this person is trying to get me to beat myself up, beat myself down, and give them whatever they want. This is a self compromising, self disrespecting attitude that serves no one. It only creates more problems.
If, at a certain point the silent treatment ends, it wouldn't hurt to say something like "I'm glad to see you're feeling better. Would you like to talk about what's been going on with you the past few days?" Then, using reflective dialogue, try to understand what's been going on: "So what I'm hearing you say is...." "If I'm hearing you correctly, you're saying..." "Let me make sure I understand you. You're saying that...."
If things get vicious, and sometimes they do, reflective emotional dialogue is oftentimes called for. "When you say.....I hear.....and I feel.....What I would like you to say is....." And continue to use the reflective dialogue described above. Use I statements. No blaming allowed. Own your part of the street only. No taking of other peoples inventory. No matter what someone else does, you are accountable for your recovery.
Thanks Tigger for this bit of info. Before I entered Alanon and I was getting the silent treatment, I always let him know that I am glad to see him feel better. I also, asked him in a gentle way if he wants to talk about whatever is bothering him. You have some very valid points in your post that I do not use. Thanks for th reminder
I struggle with this a lot - as soon as he is not acting just right, I start to wonder "What did I do, what did I say?"
I find that if I really use my alanon tools, I can stop giving up power in these cases. I ask if there is anything I can do, is there anything he wants to talk about, and then, if I get no response, I really do just let it go. He's a big boy, if he has something to say, it is up to him to say it, not up to me to guess.
I have to remind myself not to get drawn into his game, but as long as I do, it's OK. One thing I have noticed - if I stop hovering and worrying, and just go off and do my own thing, before you know it, here he comes, looking for me! Or, half the time, he just digs himself back out of his hole - it really WASN'T anything to do with me. We really do have choices in these situations - just becasue someone wants us to be uncomfortable doesn't mean we have to.
Depression is common with Alcoholics my husb used to do this too me all the time and I took it really personally and would do all the wrong things like keep bugging him about what was wrong , cook his fav foods etc which always tiked him off .I was complaining about this one day and a lady asked me a really stupid question > Have u ever thought of enjoying the silence? I looked at her dumbfounded and had to reply well actually NO I hadn't thought of that . hehe
She said to leave the mood with him where it belonged and to turn up the music and dance , when quiet he wasnt complaing or hollering at me for some stupid thing or another . so to enjoy , she also guaranteed me that if I did that the m oods would not last nearly as long . she was absolutley right. So now even tho sober for along time he occasionally gets really quiet and kinda crawls inside himself I ask once if I have done anything to upset him if he says no I leave it at that and enjoy the rest of my day. and the moods do not last nearly as long as they used t o. * suprise surpise* I mentioned this silent treatment to my husb once in early sobriety and he said Why would u think It had anything to do with you > I get depressed he says thats it ? jeeeeeeese go figure . So turn up the music and dance rose /
Personally I think the A does it to punish me. Anything I don't like he will do to punish me.
I see signs of it all the time. I think many many A's are actually pathologically rageful. I was married to an A for a while. He got into recovery after I left him. He raged and blamed and raged.
Then he got in recovery and I certainly never got an amends. I try not to judge people but this was a man who refused point blank to have anything to do with his child (who was biracial). Next minute years later he is being honored by some asian social services organization. This A I am with like that A are masters at looking good in public.
I think some of them do break down and recover. I hope my exhusband recovered. I do not work to check it out. I don't think the A I am with now will recover. I think it will kill him. He has maybe 10 years at most left his health is already going. I am not going to watch him go.
