The material presented
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How do you guys deal with it? I am so tired of being miserable in this marriage. He drinks every single night. He gets drunk every single night. I caught him sneaking vodka in the garage. I was mortified. He told me today that he wil not quit drinking no matter what i say or do. He will admit he is an alcoholic, but does nothing about it. It is just so depressing. I know that it will eventually kill him. I have thought about leaving, but I don't work, I am a stay at home mom, and I know he would royally screw me. He can be very mean and vindicitve. I wish I can make it all go away...
wow I can definitely relate to your story. I am not a stay at home mum but when I came in these rooms I was unemployed. I am underemployed now but I have a job of sorts.
I definitely felt hopeless, resentful, lost and depressed when I came here. I can't say that is the same today. I am a lot more focused.
I don't feel personally responsible in any way for the A's drinking at all. I don't feel responsible for any of his problems at all anymore and I used to try to help him with all of them. I used to take them on as my own in an effort to try to change him. I was so wrong in doing that but of course I had no idea where I ended and he began. These days I do.
I can't think of a better place for you to be than here. First of all no one is going to judge you here and no one is going to "tell you" what to do either. This is a great great place to come and be heard and heal. I am glad you've found it.
My heart goes out to you, I can relate so much to what you are going through. My A hid Bacardi all over the place including the garage. He pretty much kept going until the withdrawal symptoms became so bad he was having to drink morning, noon and night, not eating and not functioning in a very high-powered position with his job.
Your husband's disease is talking right now when he says he won't quit, it won't allow him to because his body craves it so much. They have to hit some kind of a bottom where they are scared enough or desperate enough they have reason to stop. For my A it was in his words, not wanting to take an early dirt nap.
I lived with it though for the 11 years we have been married and I know how difficult and lonely it can be.
Your recovery is really important and you will find strength, support and answers in those F2F alanon rooms as well as on this board.
A concept that my sponsor shared with me and may be of some help to you at this point is that of detatchment...with love
The concept of detatchment with love can help you and your family maintain some semblance of sanity. When you sense that a situation is dangerous to your physical, mental, or spiritual wellbeing, you can put extra distance between yourself and the situation. Sometimes this means that you don't get too emotionally involved in a problem, sometimes you may physically leave the room or end a conversation. And sometimes you may try to put spiritual space between yourself and another person's alcoholism or behavior. This doesn't mean you stop loving the person, only that you acknowledge the risks to your own and your family's own well-being and make choices to take care of them and yourself.
I know it's hard but if you can try to apply this concept one day at a time as well as gaining strength and wisdom from Al-anon support you will find the answers.
In one way or another, everyone here knows what you're going through. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say. Your A has said the same exact thing my ex-A said (I'm re-married,though - to another A). I believe you've taken the first step in climbing out of your misery and that is to come to a place where you can grasp what is really going on with your husband and yourself. For now, you're just going to have to let him be and let him do his thing which is to drink himself senseless - there's not a thing you can do about him right now.(don't you wish you were that powerful? I used to think there must be something I should say, a way I should behave that would make him quit). And you need to find a good way to calm your nerves while he's out there drinking because #1) you can't think straight when you are tense and stressed and #2) it will help you get your mind off him and what he's doing. I admit it took a lot for me to calm down and focus on something else so I could start focusing on me. I just was not into bubble baths, or jogging, and my mind wandered too much to focus on a good book. Those are things some people like to do. I just got involved in something that kept me moving, like going to the store or to friends, relatives to visit or else get on the phone and talk to whomever. You'll find something. And you need to be with other people who are going through or have gone through what you're going through and, believe me, you will find them here and at Al-Anon meetings. You definitely must educate yourself about alcoholism so you can understand what is wrong with your husband and why he does and says what he does. Get your hands on all the literature you can - I found that Toby Rice Drews "Getting Them Sober" series were right on the money. She also has an excellent website which includes excerpts from her books. VERY GOOD and easy to read. So, with this as a start, you will find the tools you need to help you begin climbing out of that misery we all know so well. Lights will start coming on and you'll begin to see. You'll find changes begin to happen. There's a reason why she calls it "Getting Them Sober". I know that at this moment you feel angry, like there's no way to deal with any of what your husband is doing, no way to make life better. Just keep coming here and you'll be headed in the right direction. Hang tough...............jaja
REading your post I just want to give you a hug. I only joined this board a couple of weeks ago and already in that time I feel that I have for the first time others around me for support who know what I am going through.
I recently discovered that my A has been secretly drinking vodka and hiding it all over. Even managing to buy it when I have been with him without me noticing!
Since I have found out my A's vodka drinking he has gone on complete self destruct mode for the last month. He has always been a drinking ever since I have known him but never the spirits. He has now got himself into such a state that he is drinking half a bottle of the stuff when he wakes at 7am and continues to he passes out in the evening. Tonight that happpened to be 5pm, but I know when he wakes in the morning it will all start again. He is starting to hit rock bottom and has even now said that he wants to to detox and rehab. He has never said that before but I will wait to see some action before I believe him.
Like the others have said here you need to take care of yourself. Read everything that you can and learn about the disease. I am very new to all of this but over the past couple of weeks it has helped me so much. I have been co-dependant for many years but by taking each day as it comes and taking small steps I am starting to get myself back. I've a very long way to go.
You say you have thought about leaving but you don't have a job and you think he is mean and vindictive - but he also has an alcohol problem, so what leg would he have to stand on to be vindictive to you if it came to you leaving. You have to think of your and your child's safety and well-being foremost.
Hi desperate ,well it won't go away bt there is help for you . Please find some meetings in your area make new friends and find people who understand what your living with . I didn't want to leave my marriage either and by working this program I found that like it says I can get happy regardless of what he is doing. Hard to believe but true.
This is a disease and it only gets worse never better , in our prog u will get your life back on track , and get happy . It also says that changed attitudes can aide recovery . When u live with alcoholism our thinking becomes a little distorted and we become bitter and angry . I personally got tired of being angry at the world . Al-Anon changed that for me. Getting a diff perspective on what was actually going on helped me alot .
U need support and u will find it in Al-Anon rooms. good luck Louise
I invite you to think about YOU. learn to sto watching what he does. Start thinking about something else. rent a dvd, read, take the kids for a walk.
Start putting something else in your mind. We cannot make them stop anyway.
I know how sad you are. I am too. I had to let go of it. We CAN get to where we feel it is not our issue, so we don't think about it anymore and do not want to.
The more we do that, the better it gets I promise. go to meetings, read books on alanon or AA whatever to educate you. If you get tired of it, then read about flowers or novels or whatever. Take your mind away. ASk your hp to help you.
Come here and vent. Tell us your plan of helping you and the kids.
Can you make a room for just you and kids when things are too much? Put a tv in there a bed or pillow or fold out bed things. A safe room serenity room.
If he gets bad go in. lock it if you have to. When he complains, catch him sober and say, I don't try to control your using, my boundary is no one bothers me in my serenity room.
Your kids need you to protect them too.
In time it will get so bad, he won't control his bowel or bladder. They also do disgusting things and pass out, you don't want the kids seeing that.
I think, though, that the alcoholic has a better chance of hitting bottom and then getting help when we step out of the way. Sometimes the things we do or say to them with the hope that it will change them, is the very thing that keeps them at it. Enabling. I always wanted my A to get a grip, straighten up and fly right but it was a long time time before I realized that he was going to have to do it on his own. My priority became my kids and myself and another important thing I felt was to explain to my kids on their level what was going on with their Dad and that it had nothing to do with love - he'd always love them but he was sick. That was soooo important because those poor little things were so confused and upset to see him like that. I used to be so stressed, pacing around waiting for him to come home after having disappeared for a week or longer on a binge. Then I'd be stressed when he got home. I stayed stressed and it was no good for me or the kids. Soon I learned to carry on in spite of the way things were. We did whatever - go to the beach, library, over to Grandma's or cousins', the playground,etc. and I tried to keep our routines. It made a big difference. And when my A was ready for re-hab. I was more than happy to take him :) I knew it was possible he'd want it but I was not holding my breath waiting for it..........jaja
Yes I can identify, it can be very hard and especially with the lack of reality displayed by A's. This was the hardest thing for me, plus the vindictiveness, that can be very painful. Keep posting and you are not alone. I have gone through this. You need to take care of you.
(((desperate))) I can totally relate to what is going on in your life! I have walked in your shoes. There is hope for your happiness. I encourage you to go to a face to face meeting and gather all of the newcomer information from al anon. There are so many tools and slogans within the program that can help you rediscover your life in spite of your A's disease. Also, read the chapter "for the wives" in the alanon blue book, and attend an open AA meeting. You need to learn everything you can about a'ism and al anon. It takes time to master the concepts, but once they start working the miracles within your self will begin. Trust me! My AH still drinks, still hides, still lies...but I have found happiness in my life by learning to let go and let god. It works if you work it! Keep coming back, go to f2f meetings. Email me if you ever need to talk privately!
I could have written this. I was desperate also, no job, no chance for a good job, alcoholic hubby. I remember calling an Al Anon hotline and the nice lady on the other end saying "Oh, I was there once too sweetie, you need a plan B."
I could not make my ah stop drinking, but I did stop my obsession to make him stop drinking. I started a plan b and it is a slow process. But well worth it.
Only you know your situation. Some of the things important to me was stashing some cash away, having extra sets of house and car keys. Hiding my purse. Getting a credit card in my name only. Photocopying some legal papers. Deleting my computer history after use.
How to get extra cash from a hubby who controls the money.
Write a check a little over the exact amount at the store and get cash back, especially if he does not check receipts and only a small amount.)
Buy something with a check (not debit card) and return it later for the cash.
Coins, never pay with your change, save the change-it adds up quickly.
You started by reaching out, welcome. Take what works and leave the rest.
