The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I'm feeling like a bit of an Alanon fraud these past few weeks. I can come here with the "wisdom" I have gained here. I can respond to posts as if I was living the steps. So why can't I apply them to me in my daily life? I mean I know what I should do, but either I'm just being irrationally hard on myself or I'm not getting it.
Ever since the flood (a week before Thanksgiving) I have been feeling like ! Here it is a week before the holidays the tree still isn't finished. I have done no baking. The Christmas Cards with the exception of John's request haven't been done. We keep getting hit with financial trials (the car yesterday), I am today so I am not going into work. (I can't tell if it's the flu or I am just run down.) Hubby is still with a nasty cold. So now I am getting upset that I have sooo much to do (or in my mind I think I do) but I won't be able to get it done. I mean the world won't fall apart if I don't send out cards this year. Nobody will be angry at me, if I don't bake. The tree is already pretty and no one will know that it isn't finished.
Where's my gratitude that hubby is now 8 months sober? Where's my gratitude that I actually have a place to live in rather than out of a trailer or heaven forbid being homeless. Yes the flood has set me back, but I didn't loose everything! Why can't I be greatful that I have a job rather than dwelling on the fact that I am loosing time at work. I worked extra this week and taking today off means I really only lost 3 hours vs. 6! Where's myODAT, Serenity Prayer, Baby Steps?
I guess I just need to realize that I'm human. I can't do it all. We both try and snap each other out of it, and we do. But practicing what we preach is another thing! lol I mean somebody please slap me with a trout!
Well I'm getting again. Time to go back to . Maybe in a few hours I'll feel a bit better and make some dog cookies for the Retriever Rescue group that comes into the store to wrap for the holidays. Thanks for letting me vent. I really am okay. This too shall pass.
Love and blessings to all of you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When I feel run down with a cold, it is very hard to give myself pep talks. LOL But you are doing great, you expressed all the gratitude in your post... you are just not up to feeling it right now. But you will.
Don't be hard on yourself, you are such a alanon hero. (not a fraud)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm sorry you are sick. The "funk" has been going around. My poor mom has been struggling with bronchitis for two weeks now. Being sick around the holidays is no fun. Sounds like you have had your share of struggles lately. I can certainly relate to that. Life has been busy for me as well, so I didn't do as much this year for Christmas as I normally do. You are right, no one will care. I put up a small tree, used last years stuff, put up my wreath, and wah-la!! Christmas time at my house!!! We were going to go to a Christmas party tomorrow but we decided its been a crazy busy week, I'm exhausted and we haven't spent much family time together so we're not going to Holiday parties this year, just going to drive around look at lights and get ice cream.
One suggestion while you and hubby are recouping.... lights some candle's pop in a Christmas CD or movie and pass the tissues. Your body is telling you to slow down, so ease up on you. You know you are blessed and that's what matters.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Sorry you aren't feeling well! This too shall pass. Before you know it, you'll be back living strong. Your posts are an inspiration here, praying for your return of good health with Love, and lots of TLC
Wow isn't it amazing how we can put pressure on ourselves. Like you said most of these things aren't going to ruin anyones Chrismas -- but they are bugging the crap out of you. I'm so guilty of thinking that I need to get xyz done or thinking it should be done.
Take a deep breath , light one of those candles that smell like homemade cookies, turn the lights out, plug in that beautiful/half decorated tree, curl up with your dh and a bag of oreos (or store bought cookie of choice) and relax. First things, first -- that's taking care of you.
Big, huge hugs to you. As someone else said...this too will pass. Sorry to hear that you are in a funk. Sometimes it happens makes us grateful for the good days. Awareness of how we feel is important. You are an alanon angel. You have no idea of how many times your words helped me thru some rough days. Take care of you...you are worth it.
You are no alanon fraud!! You are a human being dealing with the effects of a terrible disease and it's a constant struggle.Add to that your body fighting something and it's enough to bring anyone down.
When I get like this I find it is usually because I am doing the hero thing again, trying to be there for everyone else but not nurturing and caring for myself.When is the last time you did something just for you?Something fun?
Since coming to Alanon I am amazed at the things I have let go and the world didn't end, no one I care about accused me of being a horrible person,House Beautiful didn't show up at my house with cameras, lol.
Karilyn, you are always giving to this board and it seems in your life as well.Don't forget that you need to fill your tank also in order to keep giving.
For me it was the repitition of the program,,,going to meetings,,,listening,,,and of course....."Fake it til you make it"!!!!!!!!!...Keep coming back,,,it will click one day, trust me....the mind and the heart will meld together!
You do not sound like a fraud to me--just human!!!!!! Hon you have been through so much lately. And anything with finances on top just stinks in my opinion! Honestly you sound tired and worn out, I personally don't handle anything well when I am tired and worn out.
I love the candle suggestions given by twinmom2. Just take care of you and everything will eventually work out fine!!!!
I think a flood would really set me back. I know certain things have really set me back this year. The A crashing the truck for one. I know also work is setting me back. I don't like my job much. I know you do not like your job much at all. I know they also have not been generous to you. I have to allow myself some space. I allow lots of space in my life for others why not me?
I have more than one person in my life now who show me that they care. That means a lot to me. They may not be perfect but they are interested which is more than the A is.
Why not give yourself a break. I don't think we have to be superhuman all the time. I've tried that. I ended up in hospital twice in a year with two different illnesses. I didn't know how to give myself a break before. I am learning how now. I need to because I know I can run myself ragged very very easily.
Sometimes I just need to rest and regroup. I don't allow myself that too often.
Often when we are not feeling well, we allow negative thoughts to enter our minds. You'll be fine...physically and mentally. Let yourself rest and heal. All will be well. Promise.
With all best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Sorry you are not feeling well. I know what you mean I have been in a funk lately too. Completely burnt out at work. Many financial set backs. Just finished replacing entire heating system and water heater. Sister just had a double mastectomy. A has pending DWI and goes to court in January and I have been having to do all the driving (no public transportation in Windsor). Haven't sent my cards, done any decorating or shopping yet and xmas is in only 10 days. A has been sober again since Thanksgiving which is good but I can't get out of my slump either.
You are no fraud and have brightened my day on many occassions. Give yourself a break. This too shall pass eventually.
Sheesh! You're just sick!! Poor girl. Guess what else? I'll break it to you gently and whisper...*You aren't a saint* LOL!
I forgot to say congrats to your hubby this month!! So,Congrats!!
Hard to believe mine is less then 2 months from celebrating a 1 year sober. Who woulda thunk it?.
And you are right, this too shall pass. It'll roll off like water on a ducks back! Once you're well you'll say "WHEW!!* Glad that's over and be your wonderful self again.
Love ya sister, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have a tendency to do this too, expect perfection and expect everyone else to live up to my perfection expectations and get angry at myself and everyone when I or they don't. Lately I just try to do things without getting upset about my station in life. There are worse, there are better but if I just do it as Nike would say then it gets done and then I feel great that I accomplished something. I will clean during commercials and watch the show, I will do several things at once so I can finish everything I want. I take my time rather than trying to rush through and get done and I have found that makes me calmer, nicer to be around and happier about what I'm doing. Occasionally I go on a screaming rampage and stuff gets done quick and well but usually I try to avoid that. I think it all goes back to the chaos seeking I was talking about in another post. I like it when I'm rushed and things are hectic and out of control and I'm yelling and the adrenaline is pumping. But now I'm learning to slow down, not complain and just get r done. I did my xmas cards while watching a movie, you may be bummin now but once you do something it will snowball.
Untie the cape - take it off - You don't have to be Superwoman!!!!
Going thru the flood is a very tramatic experience. That is bound to take a toll on you emotionally which usually makes us tired physically.
I'll bet if this post was from anyone else - you would be pouring out the TLC to help that person know it was ok to take time to rest, relax and pamper themselves. We are so bad about not doing that for ourselves. So please give yourself some serious TLC.
Sending prayers & good thoughts your way for rest, relaxation, peace and serenity,
Fraud- you - never my friend - never -
Love & Hugs,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This is the thing I would be concerned about......is there a slight resentment lurking in the background? I have never grown much in my recovery when I have gotten sympathy or pats on the back. The 4th step is really the suggested program of recovery, whether you are in the alanon fellowship or any other. Your husband is only 8 months sober......I will assume that you have put up with alot over the years, but I am new to this, so I really am not familiar with your story. I would check my motives for not getting the xmas cards out, as well as doing your usual baking and finishing of the tree. Remember the book, "When I got busy, I got better". I am noticing a slight self-pity binge. Those are dangerous, especially around the holidays. Colds come and go, but the built up anger and resentment in an alcoholic home is deadly.
Another thing, just because you may not feel particularly grateful does not mean you are a bad alanon member. We aren't perfect.
It is called being human. As we work our recovery program, we bobble a little. The more we post and work the program the stronger we get. Eventually it will be real. Too funny Rita G. Around this time of year it is hard to get everything done. Especially the meaningful ones. I just read somewhere about starting over. So for me I am looking at the cards I bought and didn't send last year. About baking those cookies. And the tree. How will it go up before the boys get here? I will fake it until I make it. I will do the cards one at a time. I really want to stay in contact with people this year. I made the dough one day and baked the cookies the next day. If I can't get the tree up tomorrow then I am just going to grab red and green things and throw them around the house. And let the boys help me with the tree. And take Pipers Kitty lead, take a nap when you are tired.
Ya know what sister??? When I get in a fog and stress about all the crappy things going on around me....I get sick!! It's like my body is telling me to slow down and replenish,relax,calm down. I can whizz around in a panic convincing myself the world is going to grind to a halt because Chris isn't "fixing" things.....then panic sets in and before I know it I am feeling physically ill,caught a cold,upset tummy.....you name it!
Then it dawns on me that I'm trying to do too much....again! It's like my body gives out on me and ORDERS me to quit.And dang.....I do it everytime the pressure is really on.
Yep (((((((((((dear Kari)))))))))))))).....it's time to put ODAT into practice. The candles and hot bath sound good to me.........and a nice relaxing CD huggled up with Hubby and Pipers.
Doctor Chris's prescription to her dear Alanon sister........with love
Lately my life has been wondrous and terrifying. I ask myself, "What do I wish to focus on?" "What results do I want? How do I want to feel? Terrified? Dissappointed? Despair? Or do I want to feel peace of mind? Do I want to feel the joy that comes with the wondrous miraculous changes I've seen in myself and my friends?" I know I can see the changes, and some things that have unfolded cannot be anything less than divinity at work, at its best. But I can't feel wonderful if I think too much about what hurts.
How do I want to feel? What kind of day do I want to have? What does God have in store for me today? Scary things happen, wonderful things happen, sickness happens, suffering happens, but what do I want to happen within me, where no one else but me makes it happen? What feels better? Focusing on the worry that the things I can't control may get more out of control? Or by focusing on all the things that uplift me and make me whole, which increases my faith and allows more of that to unfold?
I want to feel the magic love in my heart, that I almost believed was gone, to keep growing. I want this newfound joy, that I almost believed I didn't deserve, to shine within me and upon every heart I come across. I want this powerful awareness of God, that I almost believed I had lost, to fill my life like dazzling splintering sunbeams splashing across a room through crystal prisms.
Please take a peek into your own beautiful heart and see the incredible person you are. Take a look at the blessing you are to others in your life. Add to the list of what makes you feel better, the fact that you touched my heart and held my hand until I was dancing with joy and celebrating the miracles that are happening in both of our lives, and in the lives of our Al-anon friends. Please remember that your generousity of heart, your warm spirit blesses the world around you every day. And in the throes of feeling less than exhuberant, comes the clarity that we'd rather feel happy, joyful and expansive. Then we can decide what to focus on, in order to achieve it. And I'll give you and myself a little hint where to look today, from the boy who's birthday we're all in a dither about celebrating...He says, "The kingdom of God is within YOU."
! Here it is a week before the holidays the tree still isn't finished. I have done no baking. The Christmas Cards with the exception of John's request haven't been done. We keep getting hit with financial trials (the car yesterday), I am 
today so I am not going into work. (I can't tell if it's the flu or I am just run down.) Hubby is still 
We both try and snap each other out of it, and we do. But practicing what we preach is another thing! lol I mean somebody please slap me with a trout! 
again. Time to go back to 
. Maybe in a few hours I'll feel a bit better and make some dog cookies for the Retriever Rescue group that comes into the store to wrap for the holidays. Thanks for letting me vent. I really am okay. This too shall pass.
