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Three years ago today my son lay critically injured with head trauma, a broken neck just millimeters from paralysis. He had a motorcycle accident, hitting a traffic sign after an on-coming car forced him off the road. Airlifted to trauma center.... Three days of induced coma, he then regained consciousness slowly and was weaned from ventilator. His head was encased in a halo with screws inserted in four places to be worn for the next four months. He had hundreds of stitches, was not recognizable from one side. Ten days later, he came home to recover. With dire predictions about memory loss, personality change, etc, he seemed to recover unscathed. His dad and I and his wife took care of him at home and he returned to normal. Or did he? It seemed a miracle to us that none of the prognoses came to pass. But now perhaps they did on a small scale. We see short term memory loss, anger management problems, depression. He drinks to alleviate his anxiety. His wife is now his -ex. Part of the miracle, of course, is the baby whom he loves with all his heart and soul and who is the one big thing that makes him smile and laugh. His life changed three years ago today. A miracle that he came through as he did, a tragedy that it did not change later for the better.
About half an hour ago he called from work to check on the baby and say hello. But as usual, the call was passionate, out of control, and has put me on the downside for the day. He ranted about his job, how he should never have taken this job, how he will never get promoted, how he is assigned horrible things to do, how others on the job are out to get him, etc etc etc. I so want happiness for him and know that I cannot make him happy. Alcohol is only part of his problem. It is the personality and the changes we see in him since the accident that is troubling me. Altho alcohol was the named culprit in the break-up of his family, I sincerely believe the accident played a huge part. He is not easy to live with; she couldn't do it but would not admit that the accident and its aftermath was part of it. I guess it sounded too cold on her part; she told me I was making excuses, but I can only report what I observe and feel.
So today I am grateful that my son lived. I am grateful that he can walk, talk, laugh, play with his child, live his daily life. I will try to concentrate on that and not on the negatives. Just very hard to cope with the negatives. I want to say "do not call me when you have nothing good to say", but can't because he has no one else who will listen. My husband won't; his ex and he are doing OK in their relationship until he gets on a rant...she won't listen either. So five of seven days are usually take up with the drama of his life for me. Weekends, if he is going to drink, are lost. If he doesn't drink, great...we love those days. News from him, however, is so often bad news....he hardly sees life any other way. Thanks for listening. I guess I have to rant a bit, too, today.
I understand your post only too well. My daugher was critically injured in a car accident. The doctors were able, through the grace of hp to put all those broken pieces back together again. ( it has been 3 1/2 years) Still there is a huge behavior change and drug use that wasn't there before. Detach is the only hope for me. That task has been difficult. I have really gone back and forth is my head with the difference between giving her a break and enabling.
She is still pretty young so I don't want to stand in the way of her getting any kind of psycological help for herself that could help her. I do not want to hinder her from growning up to be the self sufficent, wonderful woman she has in her. Yet I do want her to know she has my support.
I have noticed as I have let her be more accountable for her own mistakes, things seem to be improving for both of us. I pray it continues. So hard after seeing how fragile life can be and the mountains they have had to climb.
I don't have any answers just tons of understanding and prayers for (((you and your son))).
Three years ago at about this time the A was struck down by a muscle disorder. He was really sick, in bed for months, scared and very resentful. I think his life changed on many levels then. He has never shown me a moments thanks for nursing him shouldering all the bills and more. He's always downplayed it. He's always downplayed anything I did. I understand that now as part of his alcoholism.
I felt immensely sorry and tremendously compassionate for him when he was sick. I did all I could to help out. I helped him to the extent that I had nothing left. I shouldered a great deal of the emotional burdens.
His family did zilch. His mother ignored it, minimized it, joked about it. He was hospitalized with a suspected heart attack, broken bones (all from the drugs he took when he was ill) and more. He put the whole burden on me. Yet he eulogizes his mother regularly saying what a wonderful woman she is and how great a mother she is. I understand today his black and white thinking is also part of his alcoholism and not doubt other issues he has. I know not to take it personlayb but its still very very hard to be around.
I've had to detach so much from his ilnesses. I have had to detach from his drug taking, alcoholism, debting, crazy making behavior. I have had to stop stepping in. I don't have too many conversations with him anymore about his life because he'll push it off on me in a second.
I hope you will leave room for you in there. I know I have severely severely neglected my health and finances for the A. I have left no room for me in there. I'm taking that back today. I'm glad the A's health is under control I am glad he has help. He can get his own help for the alcoholism if he needs it he knows where to go. I no longer volunteer compulsively.
I'm glad the A survived his illness and managed to get help. I am not glad I was "there" for him. I know he didn't appreciate it and probably never will. I think I personally took myself over many many lines with him and I barely made it back.
I no longer feel the rage entitlement revenge stuff towards him. I know the A is sick and chooses to stay sick. He can these days I no longer intervene. I also no longer think somedays I love him. I think the A I live with had many many issues before he got his alcoholism but nevertheless the alcoholism compounded it. The A I live with has had many many many bottoms, too many to enumerate. There is no bottom for some people I know that. I'm no longe counting on it for him.
I'm sorry your son is so ill and so naive about his affect on you. I know that is typical of many A's. I also know that I work super hard to detach from them as much as possible as I am worthy of having a full life and not going down with them. The A's alcoholism almost destroyed more than him it almost got me too and I am not willing to go there anymore.
I have read through the responses to my post this morning. I hope I did not mislead anyone to think my son is terribly ill...he isn't, really. He is just, for lack of a better word, "iffy". One minute he is great and doing well and the next in the pits of depression and feeling sorry for himself. And dragging me into his dramas...my own fault.
I try to leave room for myself in all this, but having been a lifelong "caretaker" of everyone, it is difficult. Old habits die hard! Sometimes I suspect that if I don't have someone to take care of I go looking for problems. You would think when we are in out sixties we would have learned life's lessons a bit better. My best philosophy is "this too shall pass" and it does...but when you are in the middle of something you just have to go on through with it and see it to the end.
