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As I was getting ready for work this morning my A came up to me and said 'we are not working are we'. It totally took me by surprise. You see the problem all comes down to sex. I simply don't have any interest anymore. when we get to bed he is usually so drunk that it is just a turn off. My A has taken this quite badly and thinks that I am using this as a way to punish him. Talk about trying to make me feel guilty!!
I love him to bits - yes I definately do, that is why we are still together but the physical side of our relationship is just not there. He says that he is desperate for the physical side to come back. I'm really struggling though and don't know how to get it back without him getting sober!
First and foremost can I suggest that you not allow your feelings of guilt to be a guide for you. Feelings are not facts, but yes, they are our feelings.
What you are going through sounds familiar to what I had experienced when I was with my ah. I know I had come to the point in our relationship that I needed to do what was necessary to make myself secure. That included having the courage to set the boundry to not have sex when I wasn't able to give myself entirely to the "dance". Earlier on in the marriage I had stopped going places with him. During the first round of his sobriety he had asked me why. I was able to tell him then that I no longer felt that he and I were going out together, but that I was a third wheel and his true romance with with the alcohol. And yes, also during the early stages of sobriety we were finally able to determine that sex, not love for one another was also an addiction as well. It was an addiction, it was a lost hope of retaining a relationship that simply was not there, it became a denial that kept our marriage a marriage in name only, other than sex we were married living single lives. Unfortunatly for us, we began our marriage with his alcoholism and we ended our marriage with his return to alcoholism and the behaviors it brings along with it. I hope for you that you are able to become secure enough with yourself to not hang onto the guilt that often comes with making decisions for ourselves. It is very freeing to know that it is ok to not always make the best of decisions. It is very important for us to know that we cannot affort to allow of "need" of perfection in ourselves to jepordize the reality of the necessity of taking care of ourselves. I always try to keep in mind that my life has been and will always be affected by the family disease of alcoholism and that it is necessary for me to continue to work my program in order to not fall prey to the manipulation of the disease.
Hang in there and as we say.... "keep coming back, your worth it!"
I can relate to your post (though I am not living with an A right now). For us women, it seems that part of our lives is a lot more complicated (and yet so simple). The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage has a part on sex. When men want the physical side, they say we are punishing them. That's not the case. It's called boundaries. Each action (drinking) has a consequence (no sex).
Anyway just wanted you to know you are not alone. Check out the book,
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Please do not feel guilty about not wanting intimacy with a drunk. I cannot envision anything more distasteful!! *UGH!!* He'll carry on and blame you for his lack of a sex life; you know that. Don't give away your pride and self-respect. That would be almost like prostituting yourself. He'll eventually get the message. Others are going to disagree with me, but I cannot imagine why.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It sounds like you are trying to take care of you. Nothing to feel guilty about. I once looked up the defination of guilt. Found out there are two kinds of guilt. One has to do with feeling guilt over our actions, the other had to do with guilt imposed by others. It really made me think. Keep taking care of you...that is all you can do. your friend in recovery, rosie
Not wanting sex with an A is pretty natural, both physically and emotionally.... there are consequences for everything in life, and this is one of the consequences of a dysfunctional relationship with an active A. Just to let you know - it doesn't change much from the other side of the gender equation - my ex-wife A used to come home plastered, and would "expect" sex with me, after not wanting anything to do with me whatsover when she was sober.... I chose to say NO to having sex with a drunk, and it created a lot of animosity, but it was a boundary I needed for me....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aaahhhhh, welcome to the world of the alcoholic manipulation strategy. He is powerless over his drinking, and can't or won't get off of the merry go round of denial, so he is trying to manipulate you to hop on the ride! They are soooooo dramatic, those active alkies.......
If you buy that ticket, then you will continue to buy the rest of the tickets he presents. In alanon, we ask you to be honest with YOURSELF. If you want to have sex with your husband, then have sex with your husband, drunk or sober. You aren't going to stop him from picking up the next drink by withholding, I will tell you that right now. By the way, I hate to disappoint you, but when they are drinking, their inhibitions are down, and they will hit on anything in front of them. So, I also suggest that you not take it so personally. You are just handy. If you reject him, it is a small possiblity that he will find sex somewhere else......NOT love, sex.
So,,,,,,,,I want you to really be honest with yourself. I lived in a situation like this with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I was very attracted to him, and was uncomfortable with the idea of going to bed with someone who had been drinking. However, I had sex with many men when I was out there in bars......so what's the difference, really?
You really need to search yourself to see how much longer you want to waste your life with someone who isn't interested in getting sober.
I just really hope it doesn't come to domestic violence. But I fear the worst in your case. You need to get a sponsor to talk to over the phone. Yours could be a potentially dangerous situation. Mine was.
I think for me this is part of the illness. I think the A loses touch with what is attractive and romantic. Its interesting that one of the posts here suggests that the A romance alcohol. I've always felt that the A I live wih romanced all his friends. Right now I feel like he is romancing his mother. I had some romance from him for sure but its been gone a long long time.
The other night he made some crude remark to me like that was an invitation for sex. I told the A years and years ago I had a problem with the way he put me last. He laughed at it, he resents it. I don't so much feel as if it is the alcohol alone I feel its the whole package, being left out, being resented, being manipulated and being "forced" to rescue him over an dover.
I think that's a pretty big recipe for sexual turn off myself. Of course the A is acting from his alcoholism so lives in denial and his answer is that its a punishment. I have to say for me it isn't I don't find him attractive anymore. I don't feel that kind of affection for him anymore but I do "care" about him.
There is no question for me that alcoholism kills love. I feel incredibly lonely living with someone who is so out of tune with me. What I have to realise is that in the day he hid his alcoholism he was just as out of tune as he is now. I certainly wasn't willing to admit that for a long long time but I am now.
I don't resent the A and hold back because I resent him I am just turned off by being last in his life. I want to be first in the life of someone I am sexual with. I'm not that for the A not by a long shot and I can't deny it any longer.
