The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello to all. I have only been a member of this online group for just over a week or so. Not new to 12 steps, in fact, very familiar with them. Maybe I never was ready back then to truly have that desire to heal, and be willing to reach out for help. I can't figure it out.
I live with and active A, who can be the sweetest man one would ever know. Fueled by the alcohol, and he can and is a walking time bomb. I think I am trying to come to terms with the three C's you talk about. I suppose I cannot bandage this issue up witha buffer. I guess I have to face it head on.
Last night, I did very well. Part of me thinks that my calm, cool nature, and the way I defended myself and stood my ground was rather selfish. I have a lot of physical illness, as well as PTSD and Bipolar, which I am on meds with. He knows that but still somehow expects when he has been drinking (don't mind much when he is not too bad, and still has some sense) I can barely take care of myself sometimes.
He is living with me in my apartment. I am disabled, and my housing is thru HUD. We have known all along he wasn't supposed to be here, and the possibility of the S**t hitting the fan is there. Add the drinking, and my reactions to it, and we have a good lifetime movie.
I want mine to be a happy ending, with or without him. I sometimes (more and more though) just want my place back to myself. He has me in a spot, though, since he and I have both helped with the bills.
Am I afraid I just won't make it financially without him? I love him, but you can kill love.
This is so hard, and I am confused.
My therapist and I talked yesterday and she said I was doing better before he came along...
Hmmmmm?
please ESH needed!
Thanks
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This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off
Be blessed and have a wonderful day.
Remember God loves you.
PEACE
Hi Hippiechick! Glad you have joined us. I used to do case management for HUD housing units and it is very serious when you have someone there who isn't supposed to be. You could lose your housing and it sounds like you know this. You must put yourself first! It''s hard to get into this housing in the first place and I would hate to see you kicked out because of a choice you made. I would suggest that you read back over some of the posts. I don't know your situation but the question you must ask yourself is "Is being with him worth risking losing your housing"?
Welcome to MIP!!! It was nice seeing you on chat last night.
I am with Carolina. Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves first. Especially with your disabilities, you don't want to lose your housing. A's always make it somehow, someway, with no thought of the consequences for their loved ones. Regarding your bills, you may qualify for more assistance w/out his income. Sometimes less is more.
Keep coming Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Welcome to MIP, this a good place to gain insight and support in dealing with the affects of A'ism. I guess the question is not whether your therapist believes you were doing better before the A came along, but if you believe you were doing better before the A. Glad you have returned to the 12-steps, it does work if you work it. Adding mental health on top of this disease is a tough one. You will ultimately be the one to decide how much emotional energy and time you want to give to your A. Take care of you first, you have to be feeling well enough to deal with the other people and parts of your life.
My A was the same way when he drank, he forgot that the rest of us have needs, deadlines, things to do. He became very self-absorbed and he wanted to sap all my energy. For a long I allowed him to sap my energy out of worry, control, and fear that if I did not oblige him in giving my attention he would leave or do something stupid. I finally realized that when he drinks he just does and says stupid things and I learned that I no longer needed to oblige him and be around the drinking if I didn't want to. My A had no clue what his behavior was doing to me or my mental health, it is up to me to communicate that to him and set my boundaries.
Keep coming back you will gain the insight and the answers you seek.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Your therapist is probably right. Being dependent upon someone who brings you heartache and bad times is not a good way to contemplate your future. And having to "defend yourself" is the icing on the poisoned cake. I think I would probably be trying to devise a plan.
Whatever your decision, I do sincerely wish you well. Keep coming back. I am not judging you; only providing a little nudge in the direction my mind tells me you need to go.
Very best to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
