The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have to write...in 97 my a started drnking/na ...for 6 yrs it went on...i was in church and surrounded by support...i finally stood up and put him out after restraining orders, fights and such..he tried suicide which put him in a hospital..he blamed me...he then came out and it started again...i put the r/o and when he called, i called and he went into an institution...he then went to carrier clinic from there...i had contact and would visit. but then i felt i didnt want him back...but my sorrow for him allowed him back...it was okay for a while ...he blamed me.....we fought alot .we were making a move to another state and he said things would be different. we came here middle of 06 and we continued to fight...him always cold to me and me back...then at the end of october i decided to leave...for a month...he started drinking while i was gone....said he was unstable, i abandoned him etc, etc.,,,he threatned me that if i sell the house he would find me...i could do what i want but not sell...i came back because i couldnt bare the fact that he was happy living his life, doing his thing and i was miserable thinking he didnt want me....i became more obsessed w/that thought that i was back in a flash....like it took over my thinking and all my rational thoughts. 3 days after iwas here he had a drink and said it was the last time...we had a fight, he said he was ready to go down with the police...we made up the next day becasue i didnt call the police....he didnt drink for 5 days and now he is out since noon and will probably be all night....i want to lock the door, and not allow him in....but i know that will cause a lot of troubvle....im tired of trouble....i dont want to be afraid...unforturnately in my mind i see our love...i think i am sick....i hate to end this 22 yr relationship...even though 95% has been garbage...he beat on my self esteem saying that any other man will only use me, picks at my looks,,,im 44. i know if i go the distance and divorce and sell the house he will drink continually and then come back in contact w/me and i will feel like i want him back...but i'm more afraid i won't....should i sit here and let him ruin it all or should i take the step and ruin it all.....i need courage like i had before....i have someone coming saturday to try and talk sense to him...i know deep in my heart it won't work..but i feel like i have to try by some miracle. i know he needs to hit bottom...how do i change my behavorior? detach myself from him? when i feel i need him but know i dont need him. i think middle age bl;ues have got me. Someone asked me last time he came home.."do you want to go through this for another 20 yrs?" I don't. i feel foolish and shameful.rejection hurts.
Bother ??? your not bothering anyone . so glad u found us . I hope for your sake that u will find some al anon meetings in your area you need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling , who have been where your at and can share thier experices in getting thru them. People who can talk on the phone when your having a bad day or go for coffee when your troubled. Your sharring is normal for us and it is part of our insanity , doing the same thing over and over again hopeing this time it will turn out different and it never does. This is a disease and it only gets worse . there is nothig u can go about him but alot u can do for yourself , find some meetings give us a few months adn see how u feel then. You will be able to make an informed decission .
You are not the reason he drinks , no matter what he says . Your simply not that powerful if u were u powerful enough to make him drink you would be powerful enough to make him stop. Which I am sure u have already discovered you can't .
Taking on the shame of his drinking breaks my heart , it is not yours to carry . Rejection i understand but alcoholism isnt about not loving you , if love could cure alcoholism we wouldnt need AA or Al-Anon. Alcohol is running his life at the moment and until he hits his own bottom nothing will ever change for him . If we continue to rescue them we are not allowing them to grow up and become accountable for thier own behavior and the choices they make. I was told to step aside so that God could get at h im .
Until someone changes the insanity will continue please find help for yourself your worth the effort. good luck Louise
I agree with Abby, Dessiray, you are not a bother One of the greatest things you will learn in Alanon is not to apologize when you did nothing wrong. Us Alanoners are often overresponsible (ugh, what a burden).
Alanon suggests that you attend six different meetings to see if Alanon is for you. Also we suggest that you not make any changes (except for safety reasons - do them immediately) for approximately six months while you are attending as many meetings as you can get to. While he's drinking, you get yourself to a meeting. This board and chat where we talked last night is wonderful but no substitute for face to face meetings.
You will learn so much by attending meetings. If you keep coming and work this program, you will begin to feel so much better about yourself and then will be able to make the right informed decision for yourself. At first, it's a little overwhelming coming to Alanon, but we have the "tools" Keep It Simple and Easy Does It to begin.
I hope you keep coming and get yourself to an Alanon meeting. "It works if you work it and you are worth it"
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I am so sorry for the hard time you are going through. I would say it isn't just middle age blues though--I would say it also has a lot to do with dealing with an "a" for soo long! Sweetie if you take steps to take care of yourself you are not ruining anything! Can things really get worse? Or would they just be different? (Difficult, yes probably, but worse?) It is so hard starting over, I think the longer we wait the harder it is, only you know what is right for you, but you still need to do that---what is right for you.
Reading posts on the board, going to F2f meetings, going to online chats, reading alanon literature, posting on this board, all of that will help you make decisions for yourself. Keep coming back!
We are glad you came!!! Just try to breathe, and take it one step at a time, one day at a time, you will figure out what to do for you!
Welcome to the MIP family - so glad that you are here - never, ever are you a bother!!
We have all been affected in some way by the disease of alcoholism/addiction - cunning, baffling and powerful. Together, we are learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free regardless of the condition of the A's in our lives. We use the tools of recovery, Al-Anon, Alateen, Open AA meetings, MIP Forum, on-line & f2f meetings, literature and helping each other.
Please keep coming back - Don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm 51 being dealing with an A for 6 years now. I would certainly say it has taken a toll on my looks. I would also say that recovering from it has given me a great deal more.
I think there is recovery and recovery doesn't necessarily mean leaving him this very minute. Recovery can be with them drowning themselves. The A I live with is belligerant, manipulative, selfish (there is no one else) self pitying and more. I no longer take responsibilty for it. He can cause chaos and crisis I don't jump in and save him anymore.
I feel I am very very much in recovery and I am still living with him. So no you certainly are not a bother to me. I know what insanity it is to live with an A and not be able to deal with anymore of it but not know how to leave it either. I also know about taking him back and giving it another shot and wanting to make it work. I've done that so many times. For about 20 seconds the A can be nice when he wants to be.
I think I'm pretty accepting these days that he doesn't want anything remotely like that I would call recovery. I can accept that now I couldn't before. I felt somehow sacrificing myself was a way to help him stop. Now I see its a way to help him continue. I'm not the source of his alcoholism I never was. I do know that I carried him for years. I had no idea I was doing it either.
I am so so glad you are here. I hope you will come into chat and get to know people. The meeitngs here are wonderful. Posting is a great great way to get a lot of feelings out. When I have posted a lot in one day I feel so much better so much clearer. It is amazing the issues I get to process here.
I hope you will allow al-anon into your life. I did a year ago. My life has changed a lot. I still live with an A I am not being destroyed by it anymore. I am no longer the out of control person I once was. I am still sad admittedly. I am often angry but I'm not a raving maniac anymore and that's certainly a miracle.
One of the greatest things you will learn in Alanon is not to apologize when you did nothing wrong. Us Alanoners are often overresponsible (ugh, what a burden).