The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought I took Step 1 a few months ago, but I didn't. I read the words and I knew it intellectually, but not emotionally.
When my A relapsed in August and all the troubles and consequence it brought him surfaced I thought that was it for him and for me. We could finally recover together and our life would be rosy. I tried to detach from him and did to some degree, thorugh the help of Al-anon which I've been working for 4 months now. I tried to watch how he behaved (and how I responded to him) and also tried to not put too much into what he said or tried to believe himself.
One of the things he said he did was attend AA meetings. I knew he didn't - one occassion I even went driving past the church to see if he was there (how attached was I?) - but he wasn't there. Other times, I encouraged him to go and on a few occassions we talked about it. In some way I wanted to believe him and denied the power of the diseases over him and over me.
I thought, How could ANYONE want to drink again with all of the many problems it just created for him - possibly losing custody of his 10 year old son, court battles, fights with the childs Mom and his Mom, expensive legal fees, doctors bills...not to mention all of the problems in the past. I really didn't understand that he lost his choice and doesn't know any better.
I stayed attached to the disease unbeknownst to me...until Monday, when I found the bottle in the trash. That was my HP talking to me - it really hit home that he is sick, he has lost his choice, that he needs a program but it is HIS choice and I am powerless over all of this. I am powerless over alcohol...I didn't feel that before.
After grieving for a few days and finally feeling the pain and then letting go, I can fully acknowledge that I have taken step 1...I am POWERLESS....Steps 2 and 3 are not far behind. Ironically, I now feel great! What a burden has been lifted from me - I am not responsible for the actions of another - just me - it takes so much pressure off of me and I feel for the first time I can really start focusing on my life and goals.
Yes, I would love to have a healthy life and future with him but I no longer have the expectation. I don't know the future but I know I am headed in the right direction and my HP will be with me and guide me on the steps to take. Al-anon and the principles have helped me - this is and will remain a way of life for me.
That is so awesome! Great for you. Thank you for sharing with everyone.
What a relief step 1 brought to my life. The impact was huge.....it only got better as the steps went on. I am very pro sponsor. For me, the steps wouldn't have worked any other way. Step 1 was the main one.
