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As an adult child of an alcoholic, I learned to compensate at a very young age. We just didn't discuss what was going on in our house. Now as a spouse of an active alcoholic, I have spent the past 23 years doing the same. I have always been financially tied to him, but three years ago I got a phenominal job that would make it possible for me to support myself. I am not in the place of leaving yet, if ever, but do find it difficult to respond to my new fellow employees and employer, when there is a social function that they want me to attend, and I am uncomfortable attending with my spouse. He is reclusive by nature, except when he drinks, of course. I am torn between just frankly explaining why I either do not attend or attend alone, and just continuing to make excuses, which is getting thin. Please offer any suggestions. Thanks Cindy
Hi Cindy - I don't really have any "advice" per se for you. What I have found is that I share with people who I know I feel comfortable with and can trust. In the past I went around telling everyone everything about me and my situation and my boyfriends situation - now I am much more selective. Not everyone needs to know my business. It is a fine line and only you know who you will feel comfortable sharing with and who you do not. Good luck.
Ditching every business social engagement.... check
There are very few people who know what is going on in my home. I don't however make up big excusses any more. Just say I am doing something else "vague" if invited to something I don't want to go to.
To be honest, most of my office get togethers are big drunks, and I am the one not interested.
My co-workers have been good about not being too persistant. Makes it easier to pick and choose.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
If you share with one co-worker, you will be telling them all. How do you feel about that? My suggestion is that you make no excuses and offer no explanations. Your personal life is yours alone, and allowing other than true and dear friends a glimpse inside doesn't always turn out well.
My business is my own, and I feel no need to let others know that I live with an A. If you feel otherwise, by all means do whatever makes you the most comfortable. There is certainly no set rule here. I simply tend to keep my business to myself.
Ever have anyone relate to you more than you wanted to know about his/her sex life? Remember how uneasy you felt as a listener? And sometimes we grow to resent the people who "know too much."
Some ideas to consider.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't make excuses for others. Not anymore. It doesn't help the other person or myself. I also don't have to give a reason as to why or why not I want to do something. I can simply say, "Thank you, I appreciate the invitation but, I will not be attending". Or I can tell someone I will be there and show up with or without a date. I learned that no one was judging me when my A would get drunk at any functions we went to. The focus was pretty much on him or just the function in general.
I went to a Christmas party with my former A, couple of years ago. It was for his work and it was at a Bed and Breakfest. This was alway something I wanted to do was to stay at one of these and never had. The place was nicer than I imagined it would be. His co-workers were somewhat uptight at first. They all were drunk before the night ended....him being the worst crawling up the stairs. No one said a word about it. We did have fun. I was embarrassed with the deal with the stairs. I woke up the next morning and just laughed. They all were drunk. Yet, no one pointed out that he was crawling up the stairs. Why did I let that ruin my evening. I enjoyed what was left of the trip and enjoyed the time he was sober.
It wasn't long after that, my sponsor gave me the co-dependent speech. He told me I was possibly co-dependent if my hubby wrecks the car drunk and I am the one embarrassed, goes to jail and the whole town knows about it and I am the one embarrassed, bounces checks and I am embarrassed, anything along the lines of something he does and I get embarrassed.....I was more than likely co-dependent. He was right.
Easy does it on you. Take things one day at a time. You are powerless over what he does. You are not powerless over you. You deserve to go and have a wonderful time with or without him. You are worth it!
hello Cindy , been there too along time ago . after Al-Anon and realizing that i was not responsible for my husb behavior i started to ask him to attend functions with me again , & I have to admit I stood with my fingers behind my back crossed of course hehe hoping he would say no he did not want to go. Most times he said no . and I also learned about Plan B here make my plans just don't plan the outcome . If husb agreed to go then declined i simply went by myself and since it was not longer my job to explain why he wasn't with me or lie to them I ahd a great time.
If he attends with you remember you are not responsible for his behavior . I also learned that it's not my job to tell people my husb is an A. it is none of thier business anyway. and it is disrespectful to him . I had al anon friends to talk to I didn't have to talk to other people , the less they knew the better. I was told if my husb ever did sober up i would make things awkward for him in sobriety if i had talked about our relationship to others. So ididn't .
So Cindy enjoy the holdays make your plans and remember Plan B it is a life saver. Louise
Everyone has given great suggestions to this dilehma. I made the mistake of telling my team a few years back about my A's drinking problem. They all new about my life and my relationship. I realized later that it was my lack of boundaries for myself and my A that I allowed myself to share that information. I would not do that again. People grab onto the negative in other's lives and gossip about it, blow it out of porportion. If I went to a social function without my A I just simply said he was busy and had other things to do, no more no less. Coming into AA/Alanon I learned to respect his anonymity and my own. HP tends to place people in my life every now and again that are either in the program or just someone I trust not to rambel their mouths. Mostly I just keep this part of my life to myself and just share with you guys and other fellowship members. Its safe... and over the last year or so it has helped me go to the social functions feeling good about being there even if I'm alone and not feeling the need to share why I'm alone. Hope this helps.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
When you are invited to a social function, do you know that you can say "No thank you" without an explanation. You do not have to give a reason. "No" is a complete sentence. Or you can go to the function without him.
The most freeing thing is that you have choices - what is healthy for you.
As for telling people about what is going on in my life - I try to share my problems with a few recovery friends that I know will protect my anonymity. I don't want everyone to know what is going on in my personal life or especially in my emotions. I have to know that what I share with a trusted friend will stay with that friend and never go any further.
That is what works for me,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I really don't do anything anymore. That is all on me--of course. I don't like going alone and I know my husband would be uncomfortable and I would have to listen to his negative comments if he did come along. I have felt really alone in the world lately, but I do realize that is my own fault. Most of the people in my life know my husband is an alcoholic/addict. They don't realize how that truly affects my life and I don't discuss all the hard stuff, but they know as a family we have gone through alot and will continue to go through alot.
I don't have any magical answers or great advice, but I do understand a little bit of what you are going through. Good luck in making the decision about what is right for you in this situation!
Thanks to all of you for your responses. I value the advice, as it seems, only someone in this position can really understand how it feels. I do believe that I clearly need to be able to establish better boundaries, and have to find a way to stop people pleasing and just say no when I want to to an invitation, and to just go alone, since that is how I feel more comfortable. I am just not up to the explanations any more, and feel so deceptive when I give them. Thanks to all of you for your candor and for taking the time to respond. It makes the lonely's dim some.
alcoholism is a terribly embarrassing illness. Be honest with yourself....that is the main principle here. Do YOU really want to go, and if so.....then go, and have a good time. Invite whomever you want to, whether it is your husband or your child, or friend. Plenty of people enjoy events. Take someone who will enjoy it. I have surprising news for you......most people don't really care about what is going on in your home. Because you live with a drinker, everything is magnified. Get to more alanon meetings, and definitely get a sponsor to run things by. I have seen people come to meetings without having a sponsor for the past 8 years....and their progress is poor compared to someone who dives in.....
You may not be desperate enough to get a good sponsor yet.
There is nothing rude with saying "Sorry, can't make it". You really do not have to give people reasons for refusing an invitation, and it is very rude of them to make you feel you do.
However, do YOU want to go? You can, you don't have to bring him if you don't want. You do have choices - some of them may make some people raise their eyebrows, but so what? And anyway, m ost people are not really interested in you - they are paying attention to themselves. D what you want, don't worry about it.
