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I am posing this question because I'd like some viewpoints. I learned that my husband has a gambling addiction in Feb. 06 and confronted him. He came clean -- and since then he says he doesn't want gambling in his life. I don't think he does - it just makes him feel like shit. But, you know, it's an addiction... we'll see. But my question is this: when I first confronted him, he asked me not to tell anyone about it. Well, I had already told my best friend, because I needed some support, and I told him this. But he didn't want his friends to know about it. (He wants to keep his addiction secret - because of his shame).
A few months later we were on vacation with his best friend and his friend's wife. I was having a really hard time dealing with my own controlling thinking, and I decided to talk to her about the stress I was feeling and why. She has known my husband longer than I have and I wanted to find out if she knew about his gambling before I met him. and I needed someone to talk to. I wasn't in Al-Anon yet. I confided that in her that he had gambling issues. She promised she wouldn't say anything to her husband.
Now, my husband and the two friends mentioned above are in Las Vegas (!!) in a necessary slew of sales meetings all week. I'm wondering if they'll mention, accidentally, anything about his gambling to him. If that happens, I know he will be very angry at me. If he confronts me about this, my viewpoint is that keeping secrets is part of the addictive process and I don't want to do that. I have needs too - and at that time, I needed support.
Am I wrong? Do I owe him an amends for not keeping his secret, as he asked?
I don't think you did anything wrong, babz. You didn't do anything in the spirit of being mean or vengeful. Sometimes I think it's best not talk to certain people in cases where, for example, a job is at risk. But you confided in the people closest to you, people you felt you could trust. In my case, it was too hard NOT to talk to my family and friends but then my husband is addicted to alcohol - no way in the world that could be kept secret even if I didn't talk. Keeping secrets is part of addiction. If your husband gets angry, it's probably because he doesn't want to deal with his problem. I would just let him know that I was very concerned. In the meantime, if you go to meetings, you'll find answers......jaja
"I have needs too - and at that time, I needed support." I think if my A confronted me about something like that, that is all that would need to be said.
Sometimes, we are so busy walking on eggshells so as not to hurt/anger our A's, we forget to take care of ourselves! We do have needs too, here in Alanon, we learn to start taking care of ourselves and after a while, those eggshells just get swept up and put in the trash. It sure is a good feeling.
Remember, take care of you!With Love in the program, TLC
Thanks to you too TLC2 - It's so nice to get such immediate feedback! I get afraid sometimes to talk about the gambling - because I know my husband wants to forget about it and minimize the problem. I am realizing that I can't play this game. I can't cure him or control his behavior. but I can acknowledge to myself and him my need talk about it.
Have a wonderful afternoon and evening, wherever you are.
I agree. We have to take care of ourselves first. You do need support. His pride in the don't tell anyone....could mean...because I am not done yet, or it couldn't. Either way. You did right. Keep the foucus on you. You are not responsible for what he does, says, or feels.
