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I was wondering what others think about this. My DIL comes each day for lunch. She is one that never talks so that alone is a hard issue. But today she started "knocking" my other son -(not the one she is married to). She starts off by saying how "ryan" tells her kids he will buy them something for Christmas and he never does. I could feel the emotion and tears rising in me cause I am so sensitive of my kids. I said yeh-he bought them something before--she thought and thought (silence) and said ONLY ONCE. Well is this what Christmas is all about. My son will not be here for Christmas and I said he'll probably get them something when he gets home. Well she said no-he never has. I could tell she wanted a arguement. So I said you know "Judy" that really hurts me when you knock my kids--thats the way Mothers feel. Do you think she would back down!! No way., Now I do everything for this girl-lunch everyday (on table when she gets here) babysits their children all the time-if they are sick and she is working I babysit--have them between Christmas and NewYears-every weekend when they go out etc.etc Take their son to hockiey practise if they can't--- the list goes on.. I sure don't mind to help out-I never had that as a single parent and 3 little boys. I love the kids and love to watch them. Never a problem. BUT I think she was totally wrong-sitting in my home "knocking" by son. I am sick about this-so close to Christmas. please help me about this-Thanks-Bonnie
Actually, you know, she reminds me of me. When I'm at a break down point, and I don't know what I'm feeling, and I don't know where to start with what I'm feeling, and I feel so overwhelmed and confused, I will look for a fight. I will literally look for someone to piss me off, to say the wrong thing, to do the wrong thing, to do something, so I can go nuclear. I need to go nuclear, I think, so I can get better. I need to lose my temper, explode, reem you a new you know what, so I can feel better. Those priceless few moments of release, those incredible few moments of power, are of course followed by hours and days of guilt and shame because I broke one the cardnal rules of "Being a Lady:" "Good girls don't get mad." Which is interesting because when I came in I was nothing BUT pissed.
If I had to hedge my bets, I think she's hurting. I think she needed to pick a fight to blow up. To lose her temper. She may not know of a "safe" way to express feelings. I've had to learn that there no "good" reason to lose my temper. There is no "smart" way to go about blowing up. And it's not worth it. It doesn't do anyoen any good. It just winds up with everyone hurt and me feeling like dog poop. And if I had to dig a little deeper, I'd wonder if your DIL has any experience with the rainbow that IS emotions: I was angry all the time for one, because I didn't know how to have "safe feelings." I didn't know how to have joy, I didn't know hw to have grief, I didn't know how to have serenity. I had to have A feeling AT ALL TIMES and because I didn't know how to "Just Be" (thank you Calvin Klien), and anger was THE ONLY emotion I saw in my house, that was what I expressed. Caveat emperor, let the buyer beware, because whoever was in my way was a casualty of my anger.
I also think, to some degree, you were a casualty of the anger. Mothers are never a good person to talk to about their kids. Never. The fact that you are the mother automatically gives you a bias. Additionnally, if you want to have an honest conversation with your DIL about what's going on in her home, at some point, a level of detachment is called for--that there are no saints in the house, but also, no sinners. As a therapist I once went to discussed "effective fighting stratega:" 1) No body wins; 2) no body loses; 3) no body gets everything they want; 4) everyone comes away with something they want, but most importantly, everyone's needs are met; 5) MOST IMPORTANT, this fight is over when it is over and is NEVER brought into another fight. Some how, the way you see your son and the way your DIL will are gonna be two different prospectives; there's enough hurt to share here. Hurt together.
Hard telling what her motives are but you said the right thing in stating your feelings. Though I might have added "what he does (or buys) is not my business".
christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Bonnie...I am sorry that happened to you with your dil. I agree...she needed to vent and you were the one who got it. I can really understand that the mothers of our grandchildren are so concerned about the children's disappointments.
Hopefully, the next time she could vent to "Ryan" or whoever it is she has the problem with. You need to detach from her and avoid such conversations with her. Tell her if you want that you wish not to discuss any of your children with her.
If you are anything like me.....when someone speaks negatively about your children....you feel a sense of inadequacy as how you raised your children.
this is not really my arena, but i do see how my mother acts when one of us (her 3 sons) is attacked. she gets all defensive and hurries to point out the injustice of it all, leading to an all out argument... which is what the attacker wanted in the first place... sigh... let go and let God
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am sorry that your DIL is having a hard time and has hurt you by coming down on your kids. My kids are still young and I will be the first one to tell you "they aren't perfect"!!!, but I sure get upset when anyone else gripes about them!!! (You better back off my baby chicks!!!!!!!)
I think I would just tell her that there are somethings we should avoid discussing, due to the sensitivity of it. I avoid a lot of things with my MIL. Sometimes I feel guilty about that (I wasn't this bad with my first MIL), but I know if we touch on some topics I am likely to say things that will be painful for her to hear and there really won't be a point b/c she still wouldn't understand.
Hopefully if you stated clearly and kindly your appreciation if you could avoid talking about the problems between her and your children things will improve.
It's like arguing with an active A - it gets you nowhere. Maybe you can say "I hate you feel that way" or "Well, I guess we will just have to disagree on that subject" or "You might be right"
What she thinks can't change what you know is right in your heart. Hurting People hurt people. If she wants to play tug-a-war, you don't have to pick-up the rope. You can walk away and say "I'm not comfortable discussing that"
Whatever you need to do to protect your sanity and serenity.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Well I do know that when I am angry at the A I find it safer to "pick fights" with people arond them.
I also think that when I'm in true need position I can't really appreciate what others do for me. I just feel need.
I think this woman is in a whole lot of pain. I know when I detach I spend less time around someone. I appreciate you are a very giving person and others here will. Do you need it from her?
I have given up with the A and his parents or rather mother and brother to have them appreciate me. I've had a few candid conversations with his brother that's about it.
Sometimes that is about it.
I also think when I am into the mode of who gives me what I am really hurting. The A's mother is not a giving person yet I've held tremendous resentments against her for it for years. She can only be idolized that is her only mode of relating. She can't manage anyting else.
Sometimes I think we look for stuff that isn't possible with people.
Hi Bonnie , yeah it hurts . The next time she starts to talk about your son practice the art of diversion change the topic and keep doing it til she gets the hint. And if that dosent work walk out of the kitchen and let her eat dinner alone. Please don't mention this to your son her husband as it will only put a strain on the relationship . this is between you and DIL. good luck
I have to say, I'm kinda wondering why she comes to your house for lunch every day? Especially since you don't really seem to be close. Personally, I can't think of any person on earth that I'd really like to see every day, not even my own husband and kids! (can't get rid of them, though....)
You have the right to speak your mind. It sounds like you were not abusive or angry to her, just told her how you felt. There is nothing wrong with that. I get the sense from your post that you feel a strain in your relationship with her - you might just be spending more time with her than you really want to and the two of you are getting on each other's nerves.
Another thing I thought when reading this - yes, we moms always want to stick up for our kids. However, your kids aren't you. If she has a problem with your son, you don't have to let it hurt you, or affect you in any way. It is not really any of your business. You could just say something like "I don't know why he does that, why don't you ask him?" If someone criticizing your child really hurts your feelings badly, you may want to look at your boundaries - maybe you are taking on emotions that are not really yours.
