The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things that we talk about in here alot is "How can this horrible situation be made right?"..."How can I accept this horrible pain?"...."What will I do?"....Time. Time changes a significant amount of our prospective from when we come in to where we are now.
Somehow, it seems as if members, especially new comers, feel a need to forgive the alcholic for their actions. It seems as if, no matter the gravity of the action, forgiveness will yield acceptance, surrender, a deeper level of understanding and bonding between the suffering alcholic and the family member struggling to come to grips with the suffering as a means to ending it.
In my own experience, I have not found this to be true. Acceptance never implies that I like the situation, that I am okay with the situation, or that I find ways to "see the good in the bad;" acceptance, for me, simply means that I take whatever is causing me discomfort as it is, no questions asked, and find ways to stop allowing it to hold me hostage. Whenever there is a situation, a person, or a memory causing me pain, to some degree or another, I am allowing this situation, this person or this memory to cause me pain. Does this mean, at least to me that it's completely unfounded to commemorate the pain, or at least remember the past experiences that a certain situation evoked? Not at all. But so long as I continue to keep these parts of myself at the forefront of my life, rather than letting the past be in the past, I am refusing to accept what was vs what is.
Example: I was certain that if I didn't keep my guard up at all times against my father and mother, my parents would sieze on an unsuspecting moment, pounce, and victimize me all over again. Consequently, I kept bad memories, painful emotions, and a very derisive, sarcastic and hateful side of myself at the forefront of my life. The belief that my parents are preditory in nature and are looking for an outside solution for their inward problems has consistently been proven true; BUT, when I finally stopped living as if I needed to keep the hurt and the hate at the forefront of my life, I found that not only did I do an excellent job of protecting myself from my parents derisive, upbraiding, hateful ways, I did it in self respecftul, self accepting, self loving ways. I did it in ways that were kind, loving and thoughtful toward both my parents and myself. I was also able to accept a great deal of my parents and myself.
All of this, however, came with time. The idea that any of this came any other way is hopeful, but, for me, hasn't happend. Additionally, when I am "not on my game" I am more prone to "going back" in recovery. My buttons get pushed easier; I'm less patient; I snap back and am sarcastic, derisivie and criticising. I'm a person I don't want to be around, and I don't need to be that person.
Now, having said all of this, some members have asked "What about amends? Aren't I owed amends?" Not at all. Amends focuses on our part of the dysfunction and hurt we have caused another. No person is ever "owed" amends, and if we ever take on the attitude of owing and being owed, what we're really looking for, and I've been guilty of this too, is revenge. I want amends from my father more than anything else in the world--but I know if I had the chance to hear these amends, I'd use them to humiliate him. Degrade him. Shame him. I want to hear from my mother also amends for her role in the alcholic home--but I realize, too, that I would not be kind, or loving. Here, time again will change my prospective--whereas initially I wanted nothing to do with my parents, I today have a relationship, to one degree or another. Furthermore, amends requests a change in attitude, behavior or thinking (preferably all three); if this is how I would respond to the amends of another, what does that say about me?
It is important to give time time. People who have been in this program awhile have continued to come, through their good days and bad, when they felt strong and weak, and when they felt ashamed of their program and when they felt proud of it.
So eloquently put. I believe anger, acceptance, and wanting an amends go hand in hand some days. I have had such emmense anger towards my father, I could not accept his flaws, and I was not accepting that my childhood had a great deal of pain and it was caused by my father's scathing hurtful remarks to me. I could not forgive him for so long and wanted, wished, and prayed for my father to come to me and say I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you.
One day about 3 or 4 years ago... I had just become a mother, my father and I got on the subject of my younger half sister whom he did a great injustice to by being vacant in her life. He has made excuses of why he could not be emotionally or physically present in her life growing up. I remember talking to him about some of the things he had said to me as a child that stuck with me, caused me so much pain. My father didn't even remember saying it. That blew me away, but after some counseling and trying to understand that there is an emotion under anger most of the time that people can't always tap into and express. I realized my father was angry or dissapointed at me at the time, he really believed in his own mind that he was helping me, motivating me, or teaching me something. He really had no clue that the things he was saying were damaging my self-esteem. I knew then I would never hear an apology because he truly did not feel that he needed to make amends to me. I was able to let go then, accept his flaws, I didn't agree with it, and I'm trying like h*** to change that cycle of abuse in my own parenting.
There is no difference with the A. The things they do or say, they do not have the emotional level of understanding to comprehend the pain they heap on others, its only after sobriety and working a program can they take ownership and responsibility for what they have done. I agree we don't have to like what an A does and we certainly don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, but can choose to accept that the A chooses that behavior and remove ourselves from that person. Get out of firing range to avoid being hurt from further unhealthy behaviors.
Thank you for sharing this part of your recovery with us.
Peace,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I had a tremendous fantasy with my family of origin that at some point they would realise what they did and be sorry. They did know some of what they did I am sure of that. They were certainly aware it was wrong.
My fantasies probably kept me alive on some level.
I had the same fantasies with the A. I had strong overpowering fantasies that at some point he'd realise that he hurt me deeply and I was owed an amends.
I hung onto that for a long long time. I felt entitled to it. I've given up on the amends from my sisters (who are all that is left of my family of origin) and i've given up on it with the a. I don't feel defeated but it was certainly a process and I had to own fantasy as not necessairy being healthy in my life.
I still imagine a better life with a partner who wants to meet my needs and takes tehm seriously but I think that first I have to take myself very very seriously.
