The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My work for some reason seems to have got incredibly difficult. Then I did a whole bunch of overtime and didn't get paid for it. I've done of the footwork of remedying that and am willing to to take it further if they don't pay me. I have another 6 weeks or more of wall to wall bills (some of them related to the A 's never ending crashing of the car) so I can't just up and leave.
This week I went for an interview for a job that would so help me. If I got that I could leave the work I am currently doing. I could have money to have a little extra (after a year plus of not having anything extra) and I could really move on with plan b.
I'm really trying not not to put all my hopes in the basket of getting that job because I don't get up that easily from being devastated. Last month was truly an incredibly difficult month. I tried to do two jobs for a while and ended up exhausted. I let that exhaustion interfere with my boundaries and ended up having huge rows with the A. I'm still recovering from the exhaustion of not getting enough sleep. The A went through an incredible panic about money and took it all out on me.
I think I am also feeling the toll of the holidays. Every year I allow myself to be sucked into some what if scenario with the A and every year he just ends up getting loaded one way or another and doing nothing that I want to do. I refuse to do that this year but without money (and I am really without money) all the things that would help (like going to more meetings) and treating myself in some way are out the window.
I am going to be working a lot and I know that will make time go by quickly. At the same time without something to take some of the pressure off I feel pretty down. I am trying to build myself back up, taking vitamins, resting a lot, taking care and really working on my issues. Yet I feel alone (which is what I feel every Christmas with the A regardless his Christmas's always consist of going out without me) and isolated and sad.
I hope that I do get the job that would help. That would allow me some necessities like shoes (mine are currently stuck together with superglue) and a coat (one that hasn't been patched up so many times) and gloves that match and more. I could plan to have really nice food for myself for Christmas and I could go to a movie at least.
At the same time I also know that my current financial hardship is temporary. In a matter of months regardless of whether I get this job my financial burdens with the A will be less. I am not saddling myself with any more financial obligations around him. I have a plan b regardless of how long it takes. I can have patience because I deserve patience and care and love. I deserve to be kind to myself regardless of how bad things are.
A big hug to you! Thanks for sharing - to me it sounds like you have a very open approach to your situation, you know where you are headed and what you need. How those needs get met you sound to me like you are flexible and trusting.. Good for you - a very healthy attitude. I'm sure your HP will guide and bring to you what you need when you need it and in the form you need it in! (That's a mouthful...)
I hope the result from the interview is what you are hoping for - I will keep all crossed for you.
Reading your post i know where you are coming from totally. TRying to make ends meet is a nightmare. Over the past few years no matter how much extra i have been paid through getting promotions it has always gone on the A's drink and I have never had anything left and have to juggle the bills. like you a coat that is too small for me, shoes that I have had to stick the heal on with glue....no matter what though my A has always had the money for the alcohol.
It is great to hear that you have a plan B - yes it is time to not saddle yourself with the finacial burdens and like you I now have a plan b. It is time to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself because the A's in our lives won't!
I want to offer you a big warm hug girlfriend.....so sorry for the pain you are in....just hang in t here it will get better....this I know.....sending prayers that you get that job... hoping your Holidays are a little better this year...
Good luck with the job. Getting a more stable job has given me a different perspective on my A. I feel free-er to make a decision than I did when I was so financially dependent on him. Best of luck :)
I am sorry sweetie. Things will workout themselves out in their time. I know it gets frustrating. It is okay to stand up for yourself. Do what you can today to survive.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs for you. You sound like you are having quite the time of it, but at the same time you sound like you are moving forward, taking it gently on yourself. You deserve to have a nice job and clothes that aren't patched together. I feel for you, and know you work hard and long hours.
I always remember when times are rough that it won't last, that eventually the fog will lift, and you sound as if you are finding some bright spots even in the bad times. And, meetings don't cost anything, you aren't obligated to put in the buck. People understand.
About the holidays, they get to me too. I always remember something someone said in a meeting, that their pet did not care or know it was Christmas. That always makes me stay in the now and forget the bustle and craziness of this time. It is so commercial and fake to me, like everyone is mean 11 months out of the year and suddenly they are so joyous and nice? Give me a break. Why don't they try being kind 11 mos out of the year? Anyway, it is a hard time of year, just remember to take it in stride and sit in quiet somewhere, try to do it every day. It helps you to calm down and get into contact with yourself.
Best wishes on your interview. I hope you get it too.
One tip someone shared with me when I was looking for a job. Go into the interview with a "quiet, kind" confidence like you don't need the job. They say, somehow, our attitude of desperation comes through.
I hope it helps, yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I'm sending prayers your way for financial blessings and HP to open a door for you to gain more income. You sound like you are doing what you need to do for yourself with the time you have. Remember "Easy Does It". Hate that you have had some rough times with work. HP is working things out for you even at this very moment. Hang in there.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
