The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I mean, what would anyone expect of children raised by alcoholics/insane and violent people?
We did the best we could to survive.
It has taken a lifetime to figure out a lot of things and I give myself and my siblings a lot of credit for raising ourselves (to a certain degree, of course). Now that I am raising my own children, I realize almost every day why I became the person I was (as a young adult/teen, before the years of therapy) and forgive myself for my mistakes. My suspicions about people and fear of them were for a good reason - and they have served me well in the sense that I have never been involved with an abusive or alcoholic person in my adult life.
I guess this is more mourning the wounded child. It was unbelievable. I had no idea life could be good. And it is.
I do work on forgiving myself daily. I work on forgiving myself for being in the position I am in. I allow myself to have mistakes daily. I also allow myself not to be as strong and as on track as I 'd like to be. Allowing myself to rest is so so key. I allowed myself to get totally overwrough and over the edge around the A. Now I go far far more quickly to detachment but it took me years before I was even willing to consider detachment as a tool.
There are also times when I can think of my mother and my sisters without incredible pain around it. There are certain things I can forgive my mother about being poor, being scared to get help, being unable to accept help and more.
I am finally getting to a place where I can think of my mother in ways other than the cruel person she was. I still cannot understand why she did not get help, though she would sometimes say she would. Her religion, which is a weird one I think, told her to stay married and be subservient: this does not work when you have impulsively married a pyscho. She obviously had problems bigger than her mistakes and was probably not capable. The fact that she acknowledged, once, being cruel, meant a lot to me. Later of course, she blamed it on this person or that, and the rest she will not acknowledge, but that's the pattern, I now know.
"what would anyone expect fo children being raised by alcoholic/insane and violent people."
This statement means a lot to me. I posted not too long ago about having trouble with my stepdaughter. Jerry told me not to forget she is the daughter of an alcoholic. I never had really even thought about that. She lived in a family with 2 drug addicts/alcoholics for 4 years before she came into my life. Those 1st 4 yrs of her life were so formative and then even when I came along--dad was still using (so was her bio mom, but she disappeared out of her life). No wonder she prefers to take care of things herself and doesn't seem to need me. She learned very on to not depend on the adults in her life. I need to keep this in mind!!
Thanks for helping me keep it in my thoughts and helping me think about how I can relate with her.
