Dilemma with my 12 year old daughter. - Al-Anon Family Group

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Dilemma with my 12 year old daughter.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((CG)))))))),

Children are incredibly sensitive to these things. They pick up on everything. My nieces when they see my sister have a drink have the same type of fear. Their Dad uses and while Mom is in denial they express their fears with me. The only thing I can tell them is that each person is different. Some people have high blood pressure and others don't. Any chance she's willing to look at Alateen or a support group. I wonder if there are readings for younger people that can explain addiction in a different way.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

12-year-olds can be very sensitive and fearful. How about considering not drinking in her presence? She has a valid fear (for her age), and you should assure her in every was possible including abstaining when she is around. Just a thought.

Diva

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

Years ago when I was single, my 2nd son would page me over and over again when I was out with my girlfriends. When we sat and talked, I think he was around 12 or 13 years old, I found that he was worried I would be in a bar and get shot! ! ! He thought all bars were like those on the movie Desperado. His other fear was that I would not come home, like his real father and step dad....I was very open with him. They say that children will take what they understand from our conversations we have. Years later it came to be true when I explained to my youngest that his step dad (the only dad he really has ever known) is sick. That it is a disease that some people get because of the way their bodies are made. It helped him to be upset with the disease and not the person. Hang in there.

Hugs Mar

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I think I would bypass the alcohol and talk about loss. Sounds like this child has experienced a significiant amount of loss. I would talk about missing her father but understanding that he is too ill to be around.

There is always going to be loss in life. One of my Uncles died an alcohol related death when I was 12. I remember my mother telling us and not allowing any space to process of be sad. I can imagine she must find it difficult to be sad around the loss of yet another father in her life.

Maresie.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree info from Alateen would probably be great for her - she is at the perfect age for that program. There is really good info on the disease of alcoholism - that it is not just about the drinking - there are other issues.

Open communication with her may would help also - why does it scare you? Can some people drink responsibilily? And then if she needs a boundary set to not be around people when they are drinking - can you possibly give her that boundary? She may need that for a while to feel safe.

Just my e,s, & h,

Rita

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism has taken a whack or two at your daughter she is scared to death of loosing someone else she loves . The best way to show her is by example . Our kids don't like to see anyone drink and they adults themselves . It leave scars as u well know. Perhaps by not drinking in front of her will help. Louise

isabela40 · Senior Member

I deal with this also.

I was never much of a "drinker", not even socially, but I have cooked and prepared desserts with alcohol.

My daughter was realistically scared that any one of us would also turn into an alcholic. This is actually a very logical and realistic concern if you think about it. It is a fact that people can develop alcholism at ANY AGE. I had an aunt who was purely a social drinker and never got drunk. It simply was not a problem (she married into the family). However her son was murdered and she began to drink to deal with the pain. She quickly became a full fledged alcholic and ended up dying from alcholism. She was in her early 60's when this happened.

I chose to simply leave the alcohol out of my cooking once my daughter expressed a concern.

What was more important? My daughters emotional well being? Her being able to trust in the FEW adults who were sober? Or a dessert with a little "bite" to it? My daughter came first...

I dumped out the bottles that I had.

I at that point became a total abstainer of alcohol in any form.

I also want to let me daughter know that you can live a full and rich happy life totally without alcohol, as many AA members learn to do. She will be a step ahead of the game this way.

Part of the problem with alcoholism in our society is the fact that so many people think you NEED alcohol to "relax" and have a good time. This is how many people get carried away, it starts just wanting to feel good then CAN (but not always) turn into full fledged alcholism.

I want my daughter to know that you can have wonderful family celebrations with lots of fun, laughter, and great times were NO one is under the influence.

My mom also decided to support me in this endeavor, she also now totally abstains, when she used to also make desserts with alcohol. She too understands the need to teach my daughter this valuable lesson, that no one NEEDS to drink to the point where it makes loved ones uncomfortable.

Several family members still drink in extreme moderation, but my daughter does not have to worry about me and my Mom, the only stable consistant adult role models that she has.

Just my ESH to add to the wise words of others...

Isabela

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have avoided alocohol in the house and drinking because of my husband but now that he is gone, I am an adult and NOT an alcoholic. I don't think hiding it from her is going to help the situation she is wise beyond her years! I don't want her to be afraid of alcohol, I just want her to understand that not EVERYONE is an alcoholic and they can drink and not turn into monsters.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Since she has a father who was A,it is vital to educate her asap. She may have the genetics that predisposition her to be an addict. So she should not touch it.

If I were you, and I was, I would not drink at all. I would down load the latest info on addiction. Educate you, then educate her. The reason I say this is because she is afraid, and I would not want her to feel so. My kids, I was a widow too, were so scared. I could not figure out why, they were afraid if something happened to me,how would anyone find them?

Hon no matter what you say, it is possible she may have some serious issues on security. All we can do is give them information so they can figure it out. My daughter still has trouble bonding as she is afraid to lose loved ones. With counseling she has gotten better.She is 31.

Your daughter will be more likely to believe what is on the internet and in books.There is also alateen.

Great question. I hope things go well.Waiting for your updates!

Your daughter is fortunate to have such a good mom.

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know EXACTLY where your 12 year old daughter is coming from. This past Thanksgiving, I was at my sponsor's house. Her SIL poured himself some champaigne--and, not realizing that he was the epitome of a social drinker, I became this stone, pale, freaked out mess. I was waiting for him, just waiting, for him to get drunk and beat his wife. He didn't finish his (1) glass of champaigne all night, and I was the one who was the most uncomfortable. It took me awhile to realize what was going on, and then I realized it: I had never seen anyone drink responsibly before. All my life, ALL MY LIFE, the reality was that the adults drank till they were drunk, got absolutely nuts, and it was up to us kids (the oldest being 13) to take care of eachother--make sure the little ones got to bed, make sure everyone was fed, make sure that the knives were hidden from the grown ups...

To me, the idea that drinking in front of your daughter, or not, would help the situation isn't quite it. I DO think that talking with a professional WOULD help. I also think that talking with your sponsor's husband in AA would make a difference. Your daughter isn't crazy--she's right. She has the insight to see that, some how, all the people in her world were 1) adults, who 2) became alcholics, and 3) left her. They quit being parents, guardians, and protectors. To boot, these people were her FATHERS--little girls NEED their fathers. I don't blame her at all for being upset or anxious about seeing you drink--given the history alchol has on this family, what else has she got to go on that you won't be 1) an adult, who 2) becomes an alcholic, and 3) leaves her?

See, to a 12 year old, and it's totally legit, it doesn't matter that one dad "died:" He's not here, is he? So he's gone. And the other father? Well, he's not allowed around here, and the few times he HAS been, he's not been exactly welcome, right? So he's gone, too. And now, you're moving. So, again, there's all these feelings of being left. Of not being wanted. Of not being good enough.

One last thought--I remember one time I saw a pastor I knew drinking a margarita in front of her kids and husband when they all were at dinner. Then I was agast when she left and was getting ready to drive the 2 blocks home. I never connected how she never finished her drink. How she had been sipping on it all night. How she had just ordered it as a "side" if you will. There are books on amazon.com if you want; there's some great literature at the rehab centers. But I think the big thing is look at this from her view--to me, the logic works perfect.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Carolina,

The best way I was able to ascertain the difference between an A and a non-A was the allergic analogy.

I was told the A in my life had an "allergy" to alcohol must like many kids I knew had allergics -- to cats, dogs, mold, tree pollen, etc. Some people have this allergy; some such as myself do not so I was able to understand it that way.

I, like many others, however would listen and respect my children's wishes, especially after all they've been through. Their lives with us is really very very short. On the other hand, if you decide you are going to drink anyway, please don't lie to her because children know anyway (even when we think they don't). The other light bulb moment was when someone shared this "when you lie to your children, you teach them not to trust their instincts" which messes us all up and ends us in Al-Anon.

Take what you liked and leave the rest,
yours in recovery,
Maria123

Mobirdie · Senior Member

On the main page of MIP there is a section for teens. Perhaps she would gain some insight to her fears on this website. It offers the message board and chat room the same as here. Just a thought.

http://www.12stepforums.net/teens.html

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

How often do you drink in front of her?

I was corrected by someone working a detox floor when my wife was in the hospital. I said, my kids come first. She reminded me that I come first. I'm one, my kids are 1A...the wife was 2 at best.

That being said, there is a fine line between not taking care myself and over doing for the kids and doing what is right.

I've had these thoughts of, 'if I want a beverage, will it make them uncomfortable?'. 'Will my drinking responsibly in front of them show them that it can be done?' I was in a situation where my kids asked me if I was going to have any. I answered the question quite frankly and said that alcohol reminds me of alot of bad things and that right not, I don't like to have any. Maybe occasionally on a business trip.

Also for me, having a drink is not self care. I can do without it. And if I gave it up for or in front of the kids, I wouldn't miss it. I know I didn't get resentful for the things I gave up for my kids, except when I expected certain behavior and results in return for them. I'm and adult, true, but there are many freedoms that I give up when I chose the responbility to have children.

Bob

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

(((CG)))

I don't want my children to think that everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. I don't want them to grow up thinking alcohol is awful and be judgemental of those who do drink, BUT I don't have alcohol in my home. My family was never a drinking family--the only drink my parents ever had was of champagne that was given to them by a high school exchange student's parents. We all had a sip as a "thank you" to the parents, then we poured the rest out.

Now that I am married to a recovering alcoholic/addict I don't have anything in the house that might be a temptation. Now my friend who is also married to a recovering alcoholic/addict will keep alcohol in her fridge, she says it's his problem, not hers and she is going to live "her" life. In the end we have to do what we feel is right for our families.

I will also say that I have told all of my husband's girls they should never even try alcohol, b/c more than likely they are allergic. My 9 yr. old step daughter proudly announced during drug free week that she was allergic to alcohol the others said it isn't good for any of us to which she said, but you don't understand I am REALLY allergic to it!!!! Now the older two girls, I'm not sure they will stay away from the stuff, but I think she just might. I think I personally wouldn't drink any infront of my daughter if I knew it was that upsetting. Now to say that if you went out with some friends and wanted a little something with your supper, I would say do what you want, but I would want to respect my daughter's feelings.

Again--these are just my thoughts and opinions.

Good luck in finding the right solution for you and your daughter!

Dawn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.