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I'm very new to this site but have been reading everything and find it has helped me so much over the last couple of weeks to become much stronger than I have ever been before in the 5 years of living with my A. I now realise, that I can not cure him and I do have to get on with my life and protect myself and son. It is very difficult though!!
Well... my A is now saying that he wants to go to rehab more than anything. He keeps on bringing up the subject and it is not me for a change. I suppose my attitude has really changed over the last two weeks and he hasn't been getting the attention. He is no longer the centre of my life and I haven't been worrying about him - what will be will be.
He nows says he is going to go to do a detox in a clinic for a week and then a week of intensive 12 step therapy. This is the first time that he will have attempted this. I do truely believe that he knows he has a problem. The main issue now is that he is determined to book in for this for the new year but since making this decision he is drinking more and more. I have spoken to him about this and he says that he supposes in his head he has come to realise that his drinking is coming to and end and he is just making the most of it before he is dry!
Is this normal?? He keeps saying that he knows if he doesn't stop he will be dead soon. The doctors have said that he would be extremely lucky to see another 10 years.
On top of all of this we have sold are house and are about to move to a new house and new area. He thinks this will solve everything. In his mind detox - therapy - new house = problem solved. I suppose I am just trying to be realistic and point that that it might not work but I feel that I am also being very negative. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I should handle this? We are talking more than we ever had at the moment and that is great. I think my change of attitude has been helping me.
Does anyone have experiences of first time in rehab and how to handle it from my point of view? Would really appreciate this.
Welcome to MIP!! I am so glad you are starting to take care of you and your son! Living with an A is very difficult.
About Rehab--My husband decided he needed rehab--the weekend before he went in--he went to get high "one last time". From the time my husband decided to go into to rehab and we took him was only about 4 days--so he didn't plan long and have a long wait--so he wasn't really able to keep up a huge binge before entering. From that experience and talking with others that went to rehab with him, that is the normal. They want to get in as much as possible before they "give it up".
Your attitude--I think you are just trying to be realistic. I don't think you are trying to be negative, you are just trying to keep yourself in "check"--not too hopeful. I don't think anyone could blame you for that! Just keep taking care of yourself. If rehab works for your husband great!!!! If it doesn't at least you have already taken steps to get yourself better!
Rehab and my A--my A used drugs/alcohol for about 15 years before going into rehab. He stayed "dry" for about 3 months then went back out. It took him another year, before really working the program again. He was in and out of AA during that time, but was miserable. He has been "sober" for 4 months now. Everything is not roses and candy, but it is so much better. My point really is though--rehab isn't magic. It can work, but it takes a lot of work. I think the longer they have been doing drugs/alcohol the harder it is to stop the old behavior (this is truly just my opinion). I hope rehab works for your husband. I hope he can stick to it, the "good news" is even if it doesn't a seed will get planted and maybe that will grow and eventually take over.
I wish you and your family the best of luck! Keep coming back here and posting. There are so many people here who give great encouragement and wisdom (many better than I!!!!!!) so Keep coming BACK!!!
The "get as much in beforehand as possible" is standard alcoholic thinking. Very common, I would think. Keep your boundaries, whatever they are, just like usual.
As for rehab, I suspect he is putting all his hopes into this - going to extremes is another symptom of his disease. Who knows whether it will work for him - it depends so much on him, on the rehab centre, on his supports once he gets out....
My husband has been clean and sober from drugs and alcohol since rehab, nearly four years ago. However, he got into some other addictive behaviours when he got home - they don't get better all at once, even if they are taking it seriously and really working.
A little moderate hope on your part wouldn't be out of line, but you are right to be cautious. Anyway, even if he does sober up and become the model sober alcoholic, you still have your own stuff - you didn't get through these last years unscathed. Work on your own end, stay out of his way while he works on his, love and support him while not doing it for him...that's plenty to keep you busy!
Living with addiction is hell for both the addict and the family members...don't be so hard on yourself....maybe you see it for what it is and don't want to have false hope...
My husband has been thru numerous rehabs....the problem with that is he did not change his life....he kept living the same way....and that has not yet worked.....Sobriety and living clean depends on how bad the person wants it and how far they are willing to go to get it....some addicts just succum to the temptation and some go on to live happy healthy lives...
My wish for you is that your son finds himself again....and most of all, I hope you find some peace in your life....good luck with the move....take it slow and easy.
You are already doing one of the first suggestions to new comers that we suggest at face to face meeting. "Get as much conference approved literature and read it." "Find out as much as you can about alcoholism and you and alcoholism." Other suggestions are, "Do as many face to face meetings that you can over the next 90 days and then decide if the program is what you are looking for." "Get phone numbers of long time members of the Family Groups and call them when you need to talk." There are more and you need to get to some Face to Face meetings to hear them. The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is so very "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling" and so it would be a great idea to just focus on your learning and changing and not on what he does or doesn't do or may do or might do or might not do or will do before or after or anything else. Its okay for you to seek help without interruption. Its okay to introduce your son to Alateen or Alatot, depending on his age, if those program are available to you.
Keep coming back here and keep doing what you are doing now. When you get to a face to face meeting you can listen to and take up on other suggestions. You will be amazed at what happens in a short period of time if you just keep coming back.
Ultimately, a person's recovery is between them and God. No matter what the institution, no matter what the abilities of said institution, if the desire is lacking, there is nothing that can be done to help the individual.
It would be wise to continue to dig into your program at a level where you feel grounded and safe enough to know that, no matter what his decisions, you can survive in a spritual and mentally stable manner. I have found step work absolutely priceless in this reguard.
Looks like you are doing the hardest thing to do -- EMPLOYING the magic of Alanon... so many of us forget that, and with an A in our midst, all the education in the world doesn't help if we don't use what God has granted us. KKKKKKKKudos
As for his binging, I (opinion only) would just hold true and steadfast to my boundries and let him continue to be introspective -- he got to the place where he recognized the problem because of what you were DOING, keep faith with that!!!!!!
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Oh yeah its normal , sober is pretty scarry . they will do and say anything to get us off thier backs i believe they mean to do what they promise ree> rehab but don't get your expectations up , keep the focus on yourself find some meetings for yourself and get your life back on track , with a bit of luck he may follow either way it is a win win situation for you.
I have learned to watch what people do not what they say . and it works for me . good luck Louise
I do think its pretty difficult to be around the alcoholic thining. That is why for me being here for a year now has really helped. I'm stopped arguing with the A for one thing.
We have this suggestion of giving the program 6 months before making any big decisions. I think that's a wise one. I also think living one day at a time is a wise one. I think all the time about the future. Today I was talking to a friend about when and if I am going to get Medicare. I think its wise to think about the future but the actions I make today really make up the future.
I used to come here and think people were crazy who said that they could live with the A and not have it destroy them. I have found that a pattern of detachment setting the focus on me and working on my issues helps. I never know what way the A will be from one moment to the next. The A I live with idea of heaven is to be blasted at Christmas. That used to be my idea of hell to watch him be blasted and me feel left out and abandoned. These days my life doesn't hinge on what he does. My life hinges on my goals and what I do. At some point for me at least that may mean life without him in it. There's a process there though and you can definitely be in a process that will help you if you get into al-anon and allow yourself to use some of the tools and watch others using them.
It is really great that your H is talking about the detox & treatment center - whether it is his 1st time or his 5th time - there is always hope that the "light" will come on for him and a spiritual awakening will lead him to start walking down his path of recovery.
Letting Go & Letting God is the best you can do for him.
Taking care of you is the best you can do for everyone. Keep posting here, attend Al-Anon meetings (on-line or f2f), attend open AA meetings, read Al-Anon literature, and most of all do something nice for you are some other suggestions.
Don't give up before the miracle happens in You - You deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
hi welcome! congrats on the new house. That is so exciting!
Your A means everything he is saying. We can hope for him he follows thru. However I doubt a week of any kind of therapy will be enough. It is a wonderful step in his path, however. There is no set time. Longer the better.
AA recommends 90 meetings in 90 days. My A did 87. He was sober after this and continual AA, being a sponsor, heading meetings,living a strong program. A program of honesty, morality, giving, selfless, making amends, cleaning up the mess his disease made.
If it were me, I would say, thats cool! Your choice! I would leave it all up to him, even figuring out how to get there. The more energy they put in, the more they will take from the program.
Most jobs/careers if they have insurance, have alcohol rehab in their policy.
Again that is up to him.
I look at it like anything else my A would do. I cannot control any of it so I pay it no mind. I hope and pray, but have no expectations. It is their jouney not mine. All I can do is love him. Which I did and do.
He has been to rehab I don't know how many times, detoxed who knows how many, Kicked heroin who knows how many times. It is part of the disease. Your A will learn this in AA.
It is hard for us to face, there is no cure, there is no sureness ever. They get worse is all that is true. Few stay sober until they die. But we don't think about that. We know it may be true, but we take one day at a time.
Each day is precious, we take our showers/baths, clean house, eat something good, hug, pay what bills we can, do what footsteps we need to, to accomplish our goals. Then we rest, have fun, smile, love. Accept things, pat ourselves on the back for getting up. Some cannot even get up anymore, some cannot even get dressed.
The disease makes "drama" each day we make it the best, and don't add to any possible drama. If things come up, we take care of what we can.
I guess our job is as it always is, living, being thankful for what we have, loving our A,not loving a lot of the behavior, but it is theirs not ours to change or not.
We figure out how we can best live with the disease, and not allow us to make us sick and pull us in. We don't fight or argue, we don't blame or give ultimatums. We just love them. If it gets to be we cannot do it, we prepare to leave. We cannot change them.
Living with the disease, is like any other. We need to put money away in our name only, we need to realize at some point we may have to support the whole family. We don't put our names on anything with him. We put our homes in our name, and our cars. Make sure we have very good insurance on home and vehicle. If they drive drunk and usually do, if they get sued, you do not want to lose everything.
The whole time knowing we do this because we love a woman or man who has a horrible disease.
I am glad you are here. The more you educate you, the better it will be for you both. The disease will try to manipulate you, lie and make promises. You will know to ignore it, and watch what they do, not what they say.
It is not easy and it takes many, many times before we are able to not respond to the bs that happens.
We never know what is really on anyones mind but our own. He may know inside, i am sure he does, that a new home, new area is not going to take care of it all. He will learn all this in a 12 step program and AA.
Most all do really use a lot before they go in, sadly it may make it so they do not go in at all. the more they use, the more damage on their body. Again they know that, it is up to them.
We put them in our hp's hands. For me that is the creator.
Thank you all so much for what you have said. I am feeling so alone tonight and so confused. I know that many of you reading this will have all ready been here. after posting this last night my A and I sat up for hours talking. He must have cried for about 2 hours. (No i never showed him my post)
For years he has drunk cider and operated normally (whatever that is) getting up in the morning, doing normal day to day things and functioning quite well really for someone that drunk 10-15 cans a day. It was kept so hidden for 5 years. I think during that time I convinced myself that there wasn't really a big issue.
However since the vodka started only about a month ago things have deteriorated VERY quickly. He is now drinking atleast a bottle a day. He says he can't think straight and is in a total mess. He says that he is very scared about what is happening to his body. He says for the first time he can't remember things and doesn't even know what he has done in a day.Evewn though he has been drinking for a long time I think that changes that have taken place recently have really scared him. I use to say to him that he didn't really want to stop -he never had an consequences of his drinking. I took them all away. That has now changed and I see him falling apart very quickly. My instincts are to try to put it all right, to try to make him better but i have learnt from here that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I definately can't CURE him.
He never really had any physical effects before, but boy is he having them now. As I type this he is passed out in bed. I was reading my little boy a bedtime story at about 7pm and we were waiting for daddy to come in and say goodnight - daddy never appeared so we went looking for him and there he was totally sparked out on the bed fully dressed. i tried to tell my little boy (only 3 1/2) that daddy was feeling poorly. What do you tell a 3 year old??? After eventually getting him off to sleep i'm sat here and not really knowing what to do for the best.
The fantastic posts that I have read in response to my original post about rehab has warmed my heart. There are people out there that care about me and they do not even know me - how can that be? I have an awful longway to go in my own recovery, i realise that and I still do find it hard not to act how I have always acted - covering for him, lying for him, keeping it all one big secret. It has not helped him in fact it is getting worse, but more so it has not helped me.
I have spoken to my A about attending AA meetings but he is not interested - thinks that it is all godly and he is not religious at all - saying that, he is willing to go to a 12 step rehab. As it doesn't have the AA name he doesn't associate it.
On a postive note, i have found this site and the support of all of the wonderful people that are here. I may feel very alone and not know what to do for the best but by coming here and just writing my thoughts and feelings down and hereing from others is a great help. So thank you all for everything and providing an outlet like this for so many people that are living with this illness
When my husband went up to rehab, the last words he said were "I'm not going to join AA or anything like that , though..." Famous last words - he called me three days later, he had been going to two meetings a day and,although he has stumbled, has never really looked back.
It's good that he's scared - it might be what he needs. At any rate, you have your program, and you have us. You will survive, no matter what happens to him.
We're glad you are here! You've taken the courage to speak and start caring for you - good for you. Sorry you have to go through this, alcohlism is so painful for everyone. Perhaps he is hitting bottom - he needs to feel to heal and its hard to watch our loved ones go through that pain and struggle, but they have to. And we have to give them the diginity and respect they deserve to go through it, just as we have to. You will be in my thoughts, keep writing, keep praying and keep the focus on you health and well-being. We are here for you, you are not alone and your HP is always with you.
So, your husband says he is going........my experience is that when they check in, you can believe them. Until that time, I would suggest that you practice the alanon principle of detachment, and talk to your sponsor. Living with an active alcoholic is insanity, and you can't pull yourself out without help. Just let everything he says go in one ear.....and out the other.
Stop bringing his drinking up. Stop nagging, harping, lecturing. It does absolutely no good at all, and breeds resentment in them. Period.
You may be having nice talks, he probably loves talking while intoxicated.....mine did.
You are going to get sicker and sicker the longer you participate. Remember, alcoholism is progressive; it gets WORSE....never better. That means your illness, too.
He probably knows that you enjoy hearing about his rehab plans, which is essentially why he brings it up. He has no intention of getting sober, especially with the stress of moving. He is just trying to get you off his back by bringing up rehab. Sorry for the reality check....but you asked for help. If you don't have a sponsor, get a temporary one. Without help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.
Good luck, and remember, stop nagging, and learn to detach.
We don't advise anyone to stay or to leave a relationship.
But don't tell him.