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I'm relatively new to the life of dealing with an A. I would appreciate any help in handling a delicate situation. Just some background, my b/f is an A, we've been together for 6 months, living together for about 1.5 months. Outside of his drinking our relationship is pretty good. He says that he really loves me - in a way that seems to be new to him. I've noticed that he seems to hold himself back from getting close. For example, he said that his last girl friend was just a fling - but I know that it was more than that. He just doesn't want to admit it because she ended the relationship because of his drinking.
My problem is that he has said some things - when he's been drinking - that make me think that he is planning to give me an engagement ring for Christmas. I'm not even sure I want to continue this relationship and he's talking about getting married. I've already told him that I don't want to get married because I will lose $300. in retirement money. I just don't know how to approach the subject in a way that won't really hurt his feelings. I know that he can be sensitive about issues like this and the alcohol has a lot to do with it. I have the hardest time trying to explain anything to him. I see from other posts that A's are only concerned with what THEY want and not anyone else. If they decide that they want something in their life everyone else should want the same thing. I'm slowly starting to see how true that really is.
Should I just speak my mind and not worry about whether he likes it or not? Or should I try to be nice about it? I just want to make sure that the message is clear. I have no reason to want to get married - and a lot of reasons not to.
Welcome! So glad you came. Stick around, there is so much to learn. We in Al-anon are not supposed to give each other "advice", but rather to give our experience, strengths, and hopes. With that said it is important to also know that alanon is about you--improving your life--it is said--"say what mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean." I believe that is what you are wanting to do. Living with and dealing with an A is so difficult. Even when we are trying to find a nice way to say how we think and feel they have the tendency to twist it around.
that is always the hardest part for me--trying to find a way to be truthful with the way I feel and think without him taking wrong and it upsetting him. The truth is we have to do what is right for us. Our a's love us, in their way, unfortunately more times than not they are unable to put our considerations/feelings in any equation. i know you don't want to hurt your boyfriends feelings, but don't let guilt get you into a situation that would not be good for you. You are important, you are worth a lot! Stick up for yourself--it is possible to do without being mean. Just be truthful.
I hope this helps. I know you will hear good stuff from many others here! Just keep coming back.
I would just take it one day at a time. He may or may not be giving you a ring. Doesn't matter. You know how it is your feel. You know what your gut is tugging at. You are not responsible for what others do say or think. If he were to ask the big question.....and you tell him no. That will be his deal to work through. Not yours. That is part of my co-dependancy. Worring about how someone else will take the news.....catching myself doing what they want so that I don't hurt their feelings and they are happy. Where does that sound healthy. I am not doing for me what makes me happy.....I am allowing myself to hurt my own feeling and telling myself I am not good enough to feel.
You don't have to be cold to say yes or no. This is just not want you just yet and do not feel it would be a good move for you.....and it is okay to feel that way.
Be repectful but make it clear when and if he should ask ,that at this moment your liking things just the way they are . if you don't speak up u will find yourself married . and u won't be the first that has happened to . good luck A great guide for talking to the A or anyone for that matter is SAY WHAT U MEAN -- MEAN WHAT U SAY --- BUT DON'T BE MEAN WHEN U SAY IT.
1. After marriage people don't get better they get worse.
2. My A wanted to adopt my 2 daughters who get survivor benefits, if I would have done that I'd be out almost $400 a month now because he sure isn't paying any support for ANY of the kids.
3. Refusal to admit your role in past relationship failures and blaming are signs that the A is definitely not in recovery.
I have to say that if I had $300 a month coming in and it was a sure thing and someone expected me to give away that financial security on their promises I would think they were out of their mind and must think I was too. I think this money issue is a good excuse for you to use when the question is asked if you desire an out. You don't have to be married to someone to be "with" them and to give up a sure thing for a possibility especially a possibility that has been proven unstable in the past would be setting yourself up for pain and resentment later. You are aksing the question, you know the answer in your gut, listen to your gut!
Sorry to hear you feel you are in a tough situation. I have somewhat of a similar situation and recently talked to my counselor about a conversation I needed to have with my A boyfriend but was terrified to have. I too didn't want to have it for fear I would hurt him or his feelings or set him off into an alcoholic relapse. My counselor explained to me by not having that converation, by not being true to me and my feelings, that I am enabling the disease and giving alcohol power over me as well. Its called co-dependency. Tough, honest conversations are difficult but are necessary if we wish to maintain our health. I got up the nerve and we had that conversation. I told him from my perspective waht I needed at the moment to maintain my health and that I wasn't doing this to be hurtful or to punish him in any way. I was just taking care of me at the moment.
Let us know what happens and know we are here for you in any way. Good luck if it happens. Hugs to you
Thanks for all the great comments. They really did help. I know what I have to do. I guess the hardest thing is that after reading so many of the posts here, I realize now that A's live in a distorted version of reality and I'm not sure that he is really 'getting' what I say. It's just good to hear others' opinions.
Kethry, you have a good grip on the situation and its possible consequences. I won't advise, but I sure as heck will "suggest." Run, run, run. Be very afraid. Nothing will change by marrying him except maybe you. Stand your ground and stay single. Once married, you have dumped yourself into legal responsibility for his actions. Just think about it. FOllow your good sense on this one.
I worry so about singles who are about to marry into alcoholism. As far as I am concerned, it's not worth it.
As AlAnon says, "take what you like" of what I have said, "and leave the rest."
All good wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
