The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading alot of posts lately but have not been posting alot.
Sometimes it is hard to relate when I read mostly posts from spouses of A's.
I would like to encourage those lurkers out there...especially if you are a mom or dad to get in here and participate.
You will notice that when you do post about a child...alot of people will come out of the woodwork.
For me it is hard to relate when I hear things like "I am finally free of my A" or "I am getting my life together so that I can go out on my own." Parents cannot get to that place in their program. We will never be free of the A. We will never go on with our life and fall in love with another person. We can, however, learn to live a more fulfilled life...in spite of the A....in working this program of recovery.
Please...please...please...if you are a parent and suffering...let us help you why you would be helping me so much to have more people to relate to. Don't hold back because you are a parent or a child and not a spouse. I really need to hear from more parents and I know they are out there.
This program works for all of us in different ways. We all find certain people we can relate to. Sometimes we even strike up a wonderful and loving relationship with these people that we have so much in common with.
Please help me to not feel so alone as a parent of an A.
Gail, you are most definitely NOT alone. I, too, have stopped posting much or even replying since I agree that parents with problem sons/daughters have a unique position. Not to come across as denying the spouses here...never! But it is hard when you know that there is little expectation to completely free yourself of a problem such as this. My own situation is better lately, except for the daily reminder that my son and DIL are now divorced with the baby in the middle. They run hot and cold, but for the most part, get along fairly well. We have had no episodes of drinking lately...none that I know of anyway. My son has told me he is not an A....just a bad habit drinker who tends to go overboard when upset or depressed. He does not party, does not go out to bars, etc. It is so confusing. I just cannot see what caused my DIL so much grief that she divorced him in two months time. She has not discussed it with me at all, continues to treat me as if nothing is different. Plans are in place for the holidays and I dread them. We will do our Xmas Eve activities and our Xmas Day activities just like last year...except there is this huge Elephant in the room with us named divorce??? So confusing. But I do try to take each day at a time, I come on this site and read and think, I continue to try and detach myself from both of the kids' and their personal relationship, etc. My big concern is the 18 month old; it won't be long before he will be aware that his life isn't the same as other kids. Perhaps he will already have accepted his as norm since he will have no other memory. Daddy sees him daily but nothing has changed as to DIL's demand for supervised visitation and not allowing Daddy to stay alone with baby. Confusing because to my knowledge, nothing ever happened to have caused this. Anyway, Gail, let's continue to post and support one another along with some of the others in here. ODAT is the only way I get through this new situation in my life. I know I cry way too much, I stress way too much, I am not myself. But I am working on it.
I thought it was difficult in dealing with my AH, but I agree it is on a totally different level when you start dealing with your children. It doesn't even matter that she's my step-daughter. She's been my daughter for almost 15 yrs. Since shortly before she turned 15. She lived with us for years. She is the mother of two of my precious grandchildren.
As I walk thru the stores, shopping for Christmas gifts; my heart is torn. I buy gifts that will stay wrapped at my house for months after Christmas. She will not be at our home Christmas night to celebrate our family Christmas. Jackson & Caroline will not be there to open their gifts with their other 3 cousins. My AH & I will make arrangements after Christmas to see the kids, to give them their gifts - spend an hour with them and then be on our way. Her gifts will wait until she tries sobriety again. Her birthday was in October-we still haven't shopped for her gift for that.
Part of me feels like why even bother with the gifts, but she is still our daughter. Fair is fair - what I do for one, I would do for the others. I buy the gifts - if she sells them or trades them for money; that is her issue not mine.
So, I look back at your post, Gail, I do believe I've rambled a little - oops - Back to the original topic - All of you are needed, parents, spouses, sons and daughters of A's. We are the only ones who understand each other. I'll bet as many of you read this post, you could relate to my feelings, even if you don't have a daughter. Why? Because this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It has affected us in the same way - it has taken away the sanity. I believe only in working together with each other and a power greater than ourselves can we be restored to a happy, joyous and free life.
Please keep coming back - don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What you said is so true! When I first came to this site, it was hard to relate somewhat, because most of the people I met were dealing with a spouse or bf/gf. As a parent, your child will always be your child, you can't divorce them like you can a spouse. And as a parent, you will always have those memories or raising your child from infancy. Times that were innocent and sweet. I've always said I thought there should be a separate support group for parents of addict/alcoholics. I hope your post encourages others that struggle with children who are addicted to find some support. I know there is hope in the midst of this horrible disease. Our faith in God has been strengthened through this journey, and He has blessed us! Whenever I read a post about someone's child, I always pray for them. I know first hand what it is like...... Our son is doing well at this time, but a year ago, it felt like hell! I know it helped me to talk with other parents and find some encouragement.....Thanks for your post! May God Bless you!
BUT....I see signs of them disease and isms. They have the gene and they had the chaotic environment to nurture those defects.
When I hear parents that are able to detach from the problem, to me that is a powerful message because it seems to me as a parent that detachment, loving detachment from the problems of our children, admitting those things that we can't fix for our children may be one of the most difficult things to face as a parent.
Also, what is hard as a parent are the 3C's. It's really hard sometimes to realize that you didn't 'cause it' whatever the it is. It's easy for me to realize that I didn't cause these things in my wife. It's quite another effort to TRY to realize that my wife didn't cause these things in my children nor did I.
I could only pass along what I knew at the time, functional or dysfunctional. I'm working on more functional knowledge that I hope will be an example to them. I still can't control when that example would be accepted or if it will every be put into place.
Keep coming Gailey,
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
