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Well...it was a long night. I miss my A so much, I know at this point in my life I can not be with my A and since hes been gone I have realized the whole past two years of my life have been nothing but a big fat lie...I dont know now why I held on as long as I did...maybe so he could take the very last little bit of everything inside me, I dont know...I went to the online meeting last night, and theres a f2f in another town tonight that I will try and see if I like any better than the last...and Im trying to work on me and not get in a funk...Im lonely right now but I know that will pass to, but I am STILL wondering why the A's cant see how good life could be without the alcohol....and I find myself wanting to go get him, drag him home and tell him we can work it out,I can fix ME and well be better off..like my problems are what made our relationship end, how does he always make me feel like I need to say sorry...I am sorry..sorry hes so lost in his disease, sorry he cant remember how good our life used to be, sorry that he cant make the choice to get better...but Im not sorry for taking this time for me...Im nto sorry for asking him to leave, not sorry for finding out I do have the strength to go on without him...I feel like someone died...I know it will pass and I will be better off in the end..no pain no gain I guess.LOL
Thank you all for listening to me try to make sence out of something that never will. I hope you all have a good day.
I think that sometimes they reach the point where they can see what is happening. They know what the disease is doing, and know that they need to stop but are unable. I know this was the case with my own AH. Once he became aware of the toll his drinking was taking on our marriage, his health and career, and was able to admit it, the shame and guilt he felt pulled him in deeper. It is a continuing ugly cycle for them at that point... feel bad, get drunk,feel worse, get drunker.... it is awful to see it happen. Ironicly, this point for him was a turning point for me. It allowed me to have a compassionate view for the first time, as I could see he was truly helpless. I could see that although I had thought for so long he was choosing alcohol over his family, it was more like alcohol was hunting him down, determined to destroy him completely. He had lost his choice a long time ago.
Keep taking the time for you!!! That is what we need more than anything!!!
Sometimes I think death would be more painless, at least then you don't have to continue dealing with them, it's over and you HAVE to move on! In my epxerience, the only thing you get when you drag him home is more of the same and personally I'm not interested in the same old crap!
Sometimes I think they can't see because their vision is too blurred, sometimes I think it's because the have put on the blindfold and refuse to take it off and sometimes I think it's because we give them the blindfold and then fix it all while they're not looking!
Wouldn't it be wonderful to run around doing whatever you want all the time and having everyone else deal with the aftermath? Wouldn't it be nice if you could keep having everything you want and never have to work for it because it is always handed to you? Wouldn't it be nice if you could always be right and do the right thing and everyone else was wrong or all the bad things that happened were someone else's fault? Imagine. Why would you want to stop that? The whole world revolving around you and everyone around you allowing it and making it so.
I can relate to both of your post - I remember feeling some of those same type feelings - my sponsor suggested Open AA meetings to help me work thru some of those feelings.
It really helped me understand things from another perspective. Sometimes the A's are not as carefree as they would like us to believe they are. I was comparing my insides to their outsides. I really hadn't thought about how my AH was feeling on the inside. (really didn't care - lol) But open AA meetings did help me let go of some of the anger and develop some healthy compassion - which was more beneficial to me than anyone else.
Just my e,s, & h,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I understand your pain and your anger. I really appreciate being able to talk with my father who is now 20 years sober. It is very hard to understand, but it is an altered state of mind to be drawn by this disease.
I can't use conventional logic to figure out what's up. It doesn't apply. I couldn't see that at all early on. Only when it got really extreme in our case did it sink in.
I agree that an open AA meeting and an open mind does wonders. Imagine this if you can... a person with 20/20 vision has some issues with deep seated guilt that is so extreme that they will look right at the object of their guilt and not see it. I don't mean ignore it, or lie about seeing it.... I mean it is not visable to them. Thier brain is trying so hard to preserve sanity, and the pain of seeing it becomes so great, that it interupts the signals required to see it.
That is the way I understand this to be these days. Of course that is just my opinion.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so sorry to hear you had a rough one last night... please know it will get easier even though it does not feel like it right now. I have cried many a nights since my 'A' left... out of loneliness, sadness, hurt, anger... you name it... I have cried over it.
Do something nice for yourself... something you have wanted to do or thought you would never do. Give yourself a little YOU time... sometimes even though we are not the 'A's' it feels like this disease over takes our life.
One thing I have tried to do since I have made some of my choices... is to STOP trying to understand/ rationlize the disease or why my 'A' does what he does. I know personally that my 'A' is hurting inside from his own demons/childhood... alcohol is his coping mechanism. It has nothing to do with me... and since I have been trying to do this it has made some peace within me. I am willing to support my 'A' if he chooses to work on his recovery, BUT I will not support my 'A' in his choice to drink and continue down this distructive path... in the end the choice is ultimately theirs to make.
Just keep doing for you... right now YOU are the important one!
