The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've done it. I've left my Abf. I got a new place for myself and have now moved in alone. He also has an apartment, he shares. I helped him with moving...spent a week packing and unpacking and it still isn't nearly finished.
Really I'm amazed at how quickly it all happened. I decided eight weeks ago that his constant binges where he disappeared for two or three days were too much for me. (This is on top of all the ususl rubbish of course) I could see how ill I was getting myself. how sucked in I was getting. I knew I had to get out. It was the only way. Of course I had tried every other option of "making it work". Someone must have prayed hard for me, because I don't know where I got the strength to go through with it. I believe my HP took me through.
And here I am. I have a lovely place to myself that I can afford by myself. I got a bargain, my sister knew someone who had a house to rent. My family worry that it is too quiet for me, that I will be too isolated. No chance. I love the peace and quiet, and compare it to the madness that was my life only a few weeks ago. I wouldn't change a thing.
I did what I could to help him move to his new place. I even lent him a little money, not much. I wanted him to have somewhere to live too. I love him dearly, and pray that he works out. And I miss him so much too at times. He's still drinking as far as I know.
I know this move was the only healthy thing to do, for us both.
He thinks I'm having an affair!!!.....not even if George Clooney were to ring me up at the moment!! LOL. He seems convinced though. It's all so crazy. The irony is that he spent the last few weeks telling me how no man would want anything to do with me. I haven't shown him my new place, and he is very resentful of this. He is not talking to me at the moment.
I feel sad for him. Stepping back has really shown me how sick he is and how sick I was. Please pray for us both.
Al anon and MIP and HP of course has taken me this far I know.
I understand that I am lucky that we were not married and had no real legal binds, and that it could have been more difficult had this been the case. But even so, the emotional binds were emmense and this was a very hard thing for me to do. I believe I hit my rock bottom and somehow I got the strength to make the change.
I feel lonley at times these days. I keep busy and pray that this too will pass. I know it will in time.
Today, I got up and got dressed up. This hasn't happened in ages. I bought some bright colourful clothes and new boots and even though I feel fragile I knew I had to be brave. So far I've had a few complimentary comments and a few people taking a second glimpse. Wonder what's next!?
Just my story.....thanks for listening and for being there. AM
I know what you are doing is so hard. But you know in your heart you are doing the right thing for the both of you and that is the thing to hold on to.
When my marriage ended, I too was lonely for a while living alone. But that will pass. The peace available when you live outside of the chaos is so priceless!
I am so happy it worked out that you found a wonderful quiet place that you can afford! Keep working your program! It helped me beyond anything to NOT be alone and not feel alone. I went and continue to go to as many meetings as I have time for and conventions and online here too.
Sending prayers for your continued recovery and for your friend to find his place in the world too.
Thank you for what you have done for yourself. I am new to this board, and a returning Al Anon member who foolishly thought she could do it on her own for the last ten years, only to wind up where I should have been all along. I am an adult child of an alcoholic married to an alcoholic. I signed onto this blog yesterday because of the problems that I am having with my daughter, who has lived her entire life loving her dad, but living with his alcoholism. It is having a large effect on her relationships, and for this I am profoundly sad. Since you have the capability to remove yourself from this now, inspite of the strong ties, I applaud your courage. I wish that I, at age 19 when I married my childhood sweetheart who I thought would change, had had access to Al Anon and perhaps with the strength of that program, I would have been able to save myself and my child all these years of pain. I will be praying for you, Cindy
It takes the same strength whether you're married or not to pull away, it just makes it easier to not have to look back or deal with someone you would prefer not to speak to. Congratulations, I'm sure you will find many things to do that will fill up your time and make new friends to spend it with. It's such a relief when the chaos or constant fear of chaos is gone!
Congratulations on making such a hard step!! You have such strength and courage, we are all proud of you! You continue to take care of you! I hope you find some wonderful things to fill up your time!
You sound really good, and keep that attitude up. Just know that you are doing the most loving thing you can. There is no reason you cannot still be friends and still give each other freedom to do what you need to do. Remember he is in his HP's hands and he and his HP need to communicate.
I am so proud of you. You inspire me, truly. It is such a hard place to be in, but you are making the steps to grow and take care of yourself. My prayers are with you at this time. Please keep us updated of your love of yourself and life!!
Congratulations also on the place to live. I, too, crave the peace and calm - this busy world is so chaotic (even without the alcoholics) and we need some peace to get back to our feelings and to just calm down! I wish you a lot of peace at this time, and happiness that you deserve, Ann Marie.
So sorry for the pain you are feeling, I am kind of in the same place as you are...only I have two teenagers.....so you have it easier....lol.....
The great thing is you are moving, bought some new clothes....probably got a couple of winks....just keep busy...keep moving forward....hold on tight to Gods hand and you will be ok.......
He is going to do what he wants, with or without you....it is his choice, as sad as it is.... he must decide for himself to stay in addiction or get out......
I think you are doing great......and by the way, don't believe the George Clooney thing ont bit...I think you would jump in a minute......lol...I know I would......
Thanks for sharing your story with us - I will pray for you both. You sound strong and know that you've done the right thing. You are inspiring and I wish you more strength and more serenity!
Good for you!! He was telling you no one else would want you to make you stay with him. I'm glad that didn't work for him. I think you may look back someday and be grateful for what you have done for yourself. You just changed your whole life!!
p.s. If George does show up, take a deep breathe and say: Christy is waiting for you. ROFL
Take care and congrats on taking your life back. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The answer to the question I wonder what's next? is your choice. If you wait for something to come at you it will. If you're looking for a certain kind of consequence, do the things necessary to get that consequence. Those who just wait for something to happen are victims in the making. How about a bunch of face to face meetings. Go hang around the winners in this program and go build a new life. Its all choice.
I remember vividly the waves of emotions I felt moving into my apartment--the fear and the relief. Please keep in touch with us as you make this very significant life transition.
It all sounds good except for the help you offered with his move, and the loan. I realize that it is more difficult to detach when you are still living with them, however, it really wasn't in either of your best interests to help him move, or lend him money. Enabling is a very hard principle to understand, but when you can detach more, you will come to see that helping an alcoholic man do what he should be doing for himself is enabling him to continue on in his illness. You don't need to do that again.....ever.......even if it is someone you love.
I would have run that by a sponsor before helping him in any way.
But you are out now, and one day at a time is all we can do.
Wow, huge!! Congratulations, some never get the courage, nerve, reality check you've just described. Blessings with your new venture. You have every right to be happy, you'll be so amazed how different it looks from the outside. I'm proud of you!
I am right there with you. I left my husband of almost 12 years on December 8th. I moved in to my own apartment and he remained in our home.
During the days leading up to it everyone would ask me how i was doing. My reply was that somehow I was going through the motions and I wasn't really processing it all. I definitely think that was the Lord helping me along to follow through with my choice. I was completely numb... still am to a small degree.
I have a long road ahead of me and scares me.
The past two weeks I have discovered that I have a lot of things to work on for myself.
(((((((ilovethebeach))))))) Welcome. Isn't it AMAZING the strength that HP gives us when we need it the most? I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this - especially during the holidays, but it sounds like you're really taking care of you. I'm going through a breakup with my Abf, since Thanksgiving, and what I couldn't possibly have done for myself (emotionally), somehow I did. I truly believe HP has carried me this past four weeks. With lots of help from the angels he's sent my way (i.e. this MIP board!). I think once we get the A out of the immediate picture, we are left to truly take a look at ourselves. This can be both scary, and a real blessing. The new year is an excellent time to start on a new path of self-discovery, and recovery. You're NOT alone.
