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This may sound dumb, but I really don't know how I am controlling! I'm a co-dependant from way back - all my life, I guess. Just before my A left for his motel room, we were yelling and he told me that I always try to control things. We were yelling too much for him to say just how I controlled and I've been thinking about it. I was married once before to a man who believed that the man is the breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker. Even though I liked to think I could get a career, I didn't but I was a stay-at-home mom. I went along with whatever my then A said. He made the big decisions and let me know that was his 'job'. In fact, he never imagined I would leave him for good because I didn't know much about anything and that kind of gave him even more power over me. Well, when I got involved with the A husband I have now, I did control some things because I had to since he was often off drunk somewhere. I had my 2 kids from my first marriage and then my A and I had 2 more. I HAD to take care of a lot of things! I learned early on not to share money with him. I stupidly opened up a joint savings account with him in the early years and that lasted one month. He got drunk and harrassed the hell out of me one day until I gave in under it and got him $100 of the $200 we had. He drank it. I closed that account and started to squirrel away nickles and dimes from my child support check and put it in an account of my own. I learned how to make a dollar out of 15 cents and eventually got a little savings going on. Then I started working week-ends and put away any little bit I could. Meanwhile, I left him and his money alone as long as he gave me a weekly amount for groceries. He paid for our car but when he got drunk, he'd take it to go riding around in and there was nothing I could do. After I while I realized that I could not own a car with him so I saved up for a down-payment on a cheap one of my own. Talk about freedom! I was never so happy!!! I had my very own wheels!! All mine!! He could not take them from me! When he was sober, he could use it anytime but when he drank, I would not let him touch that car and he wouldn't cuz it was MINE! Sorry but that's how I had to survive. And it's been that way ever since. I have been purchasing a 'new' (used car from a dealer) every 3 years now and I will never own a car with anyone else as long as I live. If that's controlling, so be it. I am a controller. .......There have been times when I would not let my A stay in our house when he was drunk (his friends would) and he couldn't come back until he was sober and I was calmed down and ready to let him back. If that's controlling, then I guess I have been. I never tell him where and when he can go anywhere ( That's a lie. I have told him where to go and how fast to get there at times. A place called Hell) but I do ask when he does go out the door. I've always thought that was fair of a wife to ask her husband. I don't think That's controlling. I mean when I'm going somewhere, I don't just walk out the door and say "Bye". I tell him where I'm going. And I would love it if he'd get ambitious sometimes, roll up his sleeves and do some chores around the house (like he used to) without my having to ask. I've had to ask for him to do anything in the past year or so and half the time he gets an attitude about it. I feel like a nag and maybe that's what's controlling. The list goes on but I just can't see where I am a controller. There's just been so many times when I've had to run our household single-handedly while he was binging that I don't see where control comes in. He's being super nice and affectionate lately but we haven't touched on any of the issues that had us split up recently. I figure I'll wait until this is more comfortable. Maybe then I'll ask him when he thinks I'm being controlling. We shall see
Anyone remember this? " I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped". (just don't don't go looking in a bar to find them.....jaja
That would be some what controlling for me, you do your thing...I will do mine. Instead of meeting in the middle and finding a common ground. Sounds like on some level you did find a common ground. Hats off to you sister!
I think for me the moment I became controlling was after I had my first child. Her father and I seperated and that was that. I had this girl to take care of and a dad that wasn't around for her. So, you bet. I had all the control I wanted. I had my 2nd child later on, same case. This last child of mine....I am having to find that common ground with her dad. It is hard for me to give it up. I do a little bit at a time in my comfort level.
Each day, I let go a little more. Little more. I can't control everything that goes on in my kids' lives. Even as young as they are. I love them everday. I accept them for who they are and encourage them to shoot high.
My BF lives about 500 miles away. He is pretty grounded in his program most days. He does slow me down on my controlling behaviors a lot. He doesn't do it by telling me what I am doing right or wrong. I learn by watching him and in his realtionships with others. I learn by others in the program and watching in their relationships with other. I don't have to dominate a thing. I haul the water. That is my job.....just to haul the water. Do HP's will.
I didn't think I had a problem with controling things until I started changing in my recovery. I was pretty amazed.
Now, these are just my views. A very small glimpse of my view. Everyone has the right to feel the way they do. It is not my job to invalidate anyone inorder to validate my own feelings. It is just another way of looking at something. I may percieve this program in a totally different light than others....and that is okay....because it is what works for me.
So, hats off again! Keep on coming. I am seeing more and more recovery in you.
I think the spouses of A's are sometimes considered controlling because we don't approve of their alcoholic lifestyle and voice it. "please don't drink" can be considered controlling if you're an A. I'm not going with you if you drink. Quit embarrassing me Some things are self protection. Others things.... we are trying to control their drinking and where they drink, who they drink in front of, how much they drink etc.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
sounds to me like your husband isn't educated enough to know the difference between being responsible and being controlling. i used to tell my mother she was controlling -- when i was 14. i could manipulate her into almost thinking she was controlling, although in reality, she was giving me a healthy boundry which is what responsible parents do... especially with cunning, know-it-all little teenagers like i was.
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
