The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just thinking and needing to write it down.....not knowing how to deal with my life right now......thinks just seem like they are getting away from me yet again......
My job is fine, actually since I have to work, not a bad place to spend my day.....found the money to get the kids what they wanted for Christmas (((big relief)))).....things are calming down...just feel like things are not right........then again maybe it's the calming of it all........not sure...confussed
I can not explain it really.....maybe it's that my husband is in rehab yet again....maybe it's that I kee picturing the life I use to have....because in reality that is what I want in this world...the sad fact is I can not have it.....I do not beleive my husband will do the work to make his life "normal" again....I know that is all on him....it's just the sad face or reality keeps hitting me every where I turn.....
I do know that I will get thru one day at a time and that things have been much worse than they are right now......I just can't help the saddness...........
It's all those things and it's probably also the holiday season.
I work in retail and every day I see families and couples buying their trees and lights and gifts.The 'spirit' is all around.There is none in my house.At least you do have the kids...that's a blessing.
Sadness is part of the process too but it's such an awful feeling.Dreams shattered.Big changes.Things we thought we had pulled out from under us.
We all see the movies of the happy holidays filled with love and caring,families sharing love.Sadly it's not reality for many.
I vow right now that next Christmas I will have joy and peace and love.
Oh sweetie your post touched me. Of course you are sad. When we live with and love an A it is very hard.
We are watching them not be as happy. They are sick a lot. Bodies change, they age so fast. They go to rehab, we cannot help but hope. But we are also relieved they are safe and we relax.
That is sad in itself, that they have to be in rehab or locked up for us to take a breath. Becuz they are ill, every day of their life, of course we feel for them.
You would if they had any other disease.
My husband was the best he has been since june 99 when he was in jail. I wish he would go back to jail. In fact I would like to tell them where he is so he would go back. He has warrents for not going to his po and not paying fines.
But that would only delay the inevitable. Not my job.
It is a very hard life for the A family, hey I am sure he wants normal too, but they have NO idea what normal is.
I know for me Andrea, the more I detached from the bs part of his life, the disease the bills the dui's the fines whatever, I just loved him. Just him, the tired sick man, the sad little boy. there is no use being mad or blaming or revenge. he or she is sick.
I see him now so horrible, or the last time. I just cried and cried at the horribleness of it all. A man who I loved more than anyone the man I would have died for, a hopeless drug addict.
please do your best to keep detaching and just love him. And honey you will mourn what you used to have for a long time.
All marriages, friendships, families change. Sadly A ones, change fast, often and not usually for the better. The way I looked at it if he was sober a day or week or month or two, was I had a bit more time with him.
Now I have none. much love to you, love him while you can. love,debilyn
I think maybe its that you are still adjusting to your "new life". When we live in such chaos for so long, i think we become "adjusted" to it and when it is no longer there we feel something is wrong. And then, like dru said, the holidays. I know for me, when the holidays are here I think alot about the people no longer in my life, for whatever reason.
Hang in there, "this too shall pass"
luv ya,
Andi
PS call me if you need me.....anytime!!! (and i mean it lol)
I know that feeling of everything hitting at once and not really knowing where the root of it all is. My first sponsor was a hardcore big book person. The only writting I was to do were worry list, gratitude list, and my 4th step. He would tell me any other writting and I was wallowing in self pity. (DON'T SHOOT!!!) I would go to meeting and listen to others talk about writing. I could not understand for the life of me what everyone was writing. I knew they were not talking about a 4th step though.
HE carried me through the steps. I am forever grateful he was put into my life. He helped me find my way back spiritually. My new sponsor suggested one night I write about something. I was at a total loss and admitted I didn't understand what it was I was to be writing. She explained, and I went to do it. I got one page down about how "Ziggy" was feeling and what "Ziggy" thought, then.....before I knew it, I started doing another 4th step. Old habits die hard for me. It didn't hurt to do another 4th step. It didn't hurt to write about it.
I am getting better about the writing thing. I do go back to my worry list often and it puts things in an order my brain can function to though.
I sit and write on one side of the page any and everything I am worried about for 30 minutes. On the other side is everything I can do today. When the 30 minutes are up....I get up tear the sheet down the middle. Through the worries away, and have a to do list for today.
When I worry comes up, I don't have time to worry about it....it will have to wait until tomorrow's list. It helps me keep the focus on today and what I can take care of today. For me atleast.
We worked on step 4 tonight at our f2f. Not only does it clear confusion about why we feel the way we do, but is, in the end, uplifting and giving of self-esteem. Look into that mirror of yours, and tell yourself that "jeez, i am really doing it! i've worked. i've worked the steps. things ARE going okay -- and NO, I really don't want the chaos back"
i thought for a few days, that i'd be happier in the mess of it all... because that's what i'm used to. then, i took a nap.
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Sorry you are hurting hon. Remember that this too shall pass. It's a tough time of year...lots of memories. Someone told me once to make a list of things that make me happy. Take out the list when I am sad and read it. It does help even if it is a temporary fix. Make sure you do something nice for you this holiday season.
To me, your feelings are all just part of the whole picture of what you are and have been going through. It's okay, dear friend, to feel.....it's okay to express your sadness and it's okay to not try to figure it all out. Who could? I hate it that you have to feel this way, but at least you are feeling, which means you are not numb. To me, that is something good. It means you are healing. You can't heal without feeling pain in the process........unfortunately.
The Holidays make it worse, too. I know that all too well. I am sad, missing Ryan. But, he is okay and doing what he has to do and I'm just going to trust that HP has a wonderful plan for us seeing each other when the time is right. AND I know HE has a wonderful plan for you, too, Andrea.
I am thrilled you like your job and that you were able to provide the Christmas your kids so deserve. That has to be just a great feeling of accomplishment. You have so much to be proud of, dear friend. AND Chuck is not on the streets! You deserve the peace you have worked so hard to get. Just let go and feel it! It's okay to feel!
I am thinking about you so much and you remain in my prayers. I hope your Holidays are filled with more blessings then you thought possible.
I am sorry you are so sad. It is a really sad world we live in. When I get sad and don't know how to get out of it and just want to cry (and I can't put my finger on exactly why) I watch a movie that will help me get it out. My favorite is Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock.
Just know that you are loved and cared about! I hope this feeling passes soon.
I know that sadness and am praying for you! I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel the emotions.....necessary for healing. Keep your eyes on the Lord; let Him carry you.
As always, sending you lots of love. Perhaps dear friend you are in mourning. You're grieving for once was, the relationship lost. That's very normal. Go ahead and give yourself the time and the place to do that. We all feel that loss when something like that happens. They don't have to be no longer of this earth for us to feel this way. I felt it when I told hubby to leave. I felt it while he was active. It was very much like when I lost my parents. I still think back on the years lost with hubby and feel sad, and once in a while resentful. But I recognize the feelings and let them be. As long as it doesn't paralyze me for too long, I know I'll be okay.
The Christmas season also can be blue for me. The ritauls Mom and I had. The craziness of working retail. This year the flooding. The lost holidays with hubby. Even now that he's sober, he will spend it with his kids and grandkids and ex. (That's ok, but it makes me a little blue.) Sigh. This too shall pass.
Hubby and I hope and pray that this long term program will help. I have a friend from grade school who batteled double addiction. They found her barely alive on a street in NYC. She checked into a 2 year prorgam. She's now in the halfway house and doing great. After 25 years of this one wouldn't think that miracles can happen. But they can and do. Perhaps that will be Chuck's outcome. Fingers crossed (along with Piper Kitty's paws and tail) that it will.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn, Hubby and Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I too am so sorry you are feeling sad. A big hug to you. Know you are loved and we are here for you. For me, sadness is the road to healing and acceptance. I've learned in my own grieving process, and we grieve all the time as we mourn what was and what is, that we first deny, then get angry (why me, why is this happening), then get sad and depressed and finally we accept what is. For me, I too am in sadness wishing that what I had with my A would still be. I know I need to feel to heal, and I am one step closer to accepting the reality of the situation. You are in my thougths and prayers. Keep the focus on you and your health. You are loved and we are always here for you.
I think when things quieten down I often feel very very sad around the A. I also think that you've been through so many rehabs it would be normal not to want to have hope because the A has had your hopes so so many times.
I do hope for his children's sake he does suceed. The issue I find hard sometimes is to turn over the A's drug addiction. I know it is not in my control but I feel like I can't give it up. Maybe if I try one more thing...
I know I had signs of the A's drug addiction early on in the relationship. I also know that I cannot shoulda woulda coulda myself. I have to remember for me at least the beginning of my relationship with him (when things were good) was based on denial. I was not being in reality and neither was he. He was certainly not upfront about anything.
So for me at least there is nothing to go back to. There was no solid ground then either not that I was looking for solid ground. I was looking to be rescued and in turn I rescued him and then asked him numerous times to rescue me. I'm no longer wanting to or willing to rescue so that for me is incredible progress.
This is what I imagine empty nest syndrome must be like. I complain and complain and complain about the noise and chaos and craziness of 3 kids all the time and can't wait for them ALL to move out someday! But I too felt a serious emptiness not having someone to sit around and talk with whenever I wanted and go hang out with. My A was my only friend. When I look back, I remember a FEW good times and a lot of doing stuff alone anyway because he was too "sick" or "tired" or "resting" or just plain nasty to get up out of bed and go with us anywhere. So really I still have the kids to hang with and we get along a lot better without him!
Your post reminded me that a big part of my recovery was letting go of dreams, living in reality and living one day at a time. Dreams aren't reality and lead to sadness as they are usually unattainable because they are our dreams...not the other persons. When I finally let go of my dreams of this wonderful life with my alcoholic spouse I was able to let go with him and get on with my life. Now, I am having to let go of the dreams I had for my daughter and let go of her. It's not easy. I had to go through all the stages of grief before I completed the process, but it freed me to makeover my own life into whatever I wanted to and allowed me to finally find happiness. I pray that you find your way on this journey to a happy ending.
