The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have recently been struggling with Power and Control. Just when I think I have found a "groove" of letting go and Letting God something else pokes it's little head out and shows me something else I have to work on. Its no mystery to me that I have a big problem with letting go of my own will and giving up some control and allowing others to have their own power.
Money has been the biggest issue right now. My A recently got a new job and is doing really well with it. As soon as he started making better money the arguing about money started. His feeling... all I want is all his money. My feeling....our money should come to one place and it should be divided into places that make the best financial sense. My A never planned for his financial future. Before he met me it was work to drink and get by. Now the money goes to everything but fun. We have been so strapped because we allowed ourselves to dig a debt pit, so now we must dig our way out of it. Its tough to do when those old A patterns creep up. I realized last week after one of our arguments that my A's opinion about me wasn't too far off. I do have a problem with letting go of some of the power and control over money. I dont want to go backwards and I have fears that that old A behavior will keep us stuck in the same debt. I see the arguments and the struggles right now are for a reason. To teach us a new way of living our lives. The money isn't going to alcohol, but its so easy to replace that with other things to fill the hole in the soul. I hate being the one that says, sorry we just don't have it, cause I would love to spend a little too.
How have some of you let go of those fears and let go of the control and power. I am trying to give over some power to the A by saying why don't you come up with a budget and we'll use something from each of ours, or take over this or that bill. What I've noticed is that he really doesn't want that responsibility, its the feeling of him wanting something when he wants it and me saying no that he can't handle. Any ESH on how to detach with love on this issue?
Thanks for listening.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
you have your answers--you wrote them down. release the fears that your 'A' will revert back to old behaviours, yet don't be ignorent about it and believe that that can't happen. trust a little, and have confidence to sit down with him, voices low and non-threatening, and discuss your feelings on the finances. i think it very wise to divvy the income into 3 or 4 categories (to qualify this, i was, at one time, a financial planner). here were some of my rules/suggestions:
1. pay yourself first - find the right amount, ie. 10%-25%, to put into savings, emergency funds, life insurance, retirement accounts, etc
2. pay the bills - pay the bills ontime. credit scores are terribly hard to build up and terribly easy to tear down. this will do two other things: maintain your standard of living and alleviate any stress about wondering how you'll get by next month***
3. rid yourself of debt - add up all the revolving debt (credit cards, personal loans, arrears, collections). make the goal of paying that off in increments, from highest percentage finance fees on down. consolidate if that is easier for you, but pay a substantial amount every 2 weeks. by substantial, i mean, specifically, use 25% of the paycheck, if possible, but do not compromise #1 and #2. revolving debt is a huge stressor. get rid of the anxiety, noone needs it.
4. set future goals - take into account where you want to be (with my #1). how much in the emergency fund would you like to see, $5k, $10k... if the car craps out can you go get it fixed right now? if hubby falls and breaks a tooth can you afford a dentist? etc. most people who are financially sound save 3-6 months income into the emergency fund, 5-15% into retirement, 10% for funstuff, and the rest into future purchases (car, house, college, baby)
I would bet my left leg that you could sit your sober A down and ask to discuss this--nonthreatening, matter of factly, "lets do for us" mood. the mood and setting is very important. low soothing voice, keep the situation calm, let him speak/voice his opinion about the plan. perhaps he can even take part and develop it further... people, in general, are motivated when they are actively involved.
hope this helps, and i'm here for anything else!!!
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Maybe it's not about you. If you offered the idea of working together, the budget, letting him take over some of the bills & that still didn't make him happy - then maybe it's not about you.
Maybe it's something he may have to work on in his own timing - The next time the issue comes up, maybe you could say "We've discussed that, our finanical situation doesn't allow for that right now and I'm open to any ideas you may have to help us" If he just wants to exhibit unhealthy behavior pouting, anger, frustration,etc. - that is in his own garden of self. You have put forth the effort to work as a team - he just may not be there in his maturity yet. You don't have to accept that "blame" - take those time-outs if you need to - say "I don't feel comfortable discussing this right now" "Can we talk about this after everyone has had time to calm down?"
You are doing such an awesome job in looking at your part & working on approaching your relationships with a healthy attitude.
I agree with CJ it is great to have a budget & a plan. I also know that not all households can do all those steps right away. Try taking your finances One day at a Time - just like your recovery. The finanical situation didn't occur overnight, it probably won't get better overnight.
Remember First things First & Easy does it and most of all Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think its great that you have new topics poping up. Wouldn't that be a sign of progress?
That is a touchy topic for me and my Active A. I don't know how she would handle it sober. But I have always been "responsable for the finances", to the point that she will storm out of the room rather than even look at what I am doing to manage them. I just wanted to show her, you know?
And for her part, she wanted to spend it on what she thinks we need with no reguard to cost. If we need it we need it... so she bought it. Often that results in overdrafting the account and blowing through credit cards.
She has her own account now and I have all the debit cards and checks for our joint account.
In concept, she agreed that we needed a savings, that certain bills are too expensive to leave extended (like high rate charge accounts), but simply didn't want that to put a crimp in our fun and games.
Sound familure? For years I have harbored major guilt because I couldn't make that work and make her happy? Problem is that scheme for money management is flawed. It's not my fault she doesn't like doing it in a reasonable way. (A way that adds up)
I have decided to let go of the power and control of "her" bills. I don't look at her account, and she has enough income with what I add, to pay bills and have some left over. She can do whatever she wants with that.
But I have a responsability to make sure my bills, my credit and me and at least our son has food to eat, and a house to live in. Keeping that straight in my head and my heart has been a struggle, but I am on it now.
I wish you luck, the money thing is tough. All I know is I didn't feel good about it until I quit doing the wrong thing and regretting it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
what a great post!! problem... level head... level thinking... solution... your needs are met. congrats, my friend, on a job well done. take this success with you to the next!!!
yours in support
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
If we decide to stay with an using A it is my experience to put money away in my name only and do not share this info with anyone.
As long as they keep using or not and then use again, this disease will get worse and worse and sooner or later they will lose their job, get a dui, have fines, get garnished etc.
Get the debts paid off, get your name off anything with him. If you can get your house and your vehicle in your name, all the better. Protect you. and or make sure you pay the ones off first with both of you who signed the original contract and then get off of it.
I am sorry, for me I have learned the A is not one to stick to any taking a percent here and all that. no way. They will NOT stick to it. They cannot as they get sicker and sicker. Would you trust someone with a brain tumor?
Then if I were you, I would make sure I could pay everything for when he stops working, gets alcohol sick, maybe goes to rehab, crashes a car, and you have to support him. It happens almost every time in a home with an A wage earner.
You have you and the kids to think about and protect. And the A too, if they stay home.
The way to detach is to be able to support yourself. You could also discuss with him, to have his wages go directly to his account then a certain amount go to your account to pay bills with. Simple. No arguments. He then has money for his needs, you can pay the bills.
go to the bank and do something that it cannot be changed with out both your signatures.
Again simple no arguments. What would make him argue that? It would be a done deal every time he is paid.
I have been here so many years grieving with people who lost their homes, their cars, their credit, everything.
I am holding onto my home by a thread.If I ever lose it, I will be homeless no vehicle. His disease too everything before I knew about alanon.
I am doing my best now to rent my master room and bath with a private door and my two bedrooms and bath to share with this student. We would just share the bathroom and I would have my living room and kitchen. I am going to frame in my back deck for my bedroom.
always doing my best to survive.
Please listen to an old lady... protect you and your family now.
I was really glad to see your post, I could have written it myself, I also have a problem with control, Im trying to get better....but I have also heard so often how I just "used" my A for his money, I dont really love him I just want him here to pay the bills...and we have tried just about everything to work out the money thing but I have come to realize when you live with an A your life is never "normal" your bills dont get paid, you dont get money in the bank (unless you are working on your plan B and hide it there) hehe I really think its part of the disease...even now that were not together he tells me IM awful at paying bills its MY fault we have nothing My fault he left me with nothing because I would have just wasted it if he did leave money, its always something, some reason, some excuse...then when I asked my A to leave and handed my money problem to my HP and asked to be able to help myself I realized...I can take care of me...I might not have everything I would of had with my A here, but I also wont have all the BS...and I also realized my HP has never let me go without...everything I have needed was there....its hard to let go of the control...but your HP always knows what is best and will make sure you have it.
Thank you guys for insight and wisdom. All of you have really good points and ideas. I guess the good thing right now is that most everything is in my name only. My A does not have credit to speak of, allthough he would like a chance to better that situation. He does have some maturing to do with regards to how he spends, saves, and makes choices about his future and our future. My goal now is to make sure that the kids and I are protected... that may mean getting a seperate savings account for a Plan "B". My hope like most of us is that I won't have to use Plan B, but there are no gaurentees. I have struggled with doing this mainly because it felt deceptive to me, but the more arguments we were having the more it became clear that this could take a while to iron out the rough spots. He and I both have a lot of maturing to do as a team, Learning to partner... etc. If I never use the account then I've got some extra money for retirement, college fund, whatever.
I feel better after posting the question, you guys really help to put things in a clearer frame of mind for me. Hope everyone has a great day.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
