The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really greiving today. I thought everything was going OK, that my A was sincere and was working his program or had the desire to. I told him what I needed but I know that didn't necessarily mean that was what he needed or desired. He just told me the other night that he didn't want to lose me..
Last night he threw a lime away and my heart sank- I knew what that lime was for - one of his binges. He told me he found it in the refrigerator. He asked me what was wrong and I said I was concerned about the lime. He said, "do you think I've been drinking?" and I said "Yes" and then I let it go and continued on with the evening.
This morning, I confirmed for myself what I was thinking and found the bottle in the trash. I cried all the way home and I hurt. I went on a job interview last week back home - it was ok - but on the ride home I decided Iwanted to stay here and see what my HP has in store. In my heart I really want my A better and I want to have the life we planned and talk about. Most times we do until the stress gets to be too much for him and he gives in. Do I stay and just detach in those times? How do I show him I am serious? I am so torn
Of course, I know that it is out of my hands and it is my HPs hands. I don't know when if ever he will hit his bottom. Can I stay with him and watch this consume his thinking and behavior? Do I want to be controlled by alcoholism too? No and I am powerless. and so sad! I know I need to keep the focus on me - I know I need to take care of myself - I know I don't have any control over him or his alcoholism, I'm just hurting and so very very sad today. I was really hoping that his huge 12 day binge/relapse in August and all the court hearings and the potential of losing his son was the bottom. But I know he doesn't know any other way to cope with stress. I have so much compassion and love for him and wish there was something I could do, but I know I can't. I know I can only take care of me and I grieve this lose. I want to do the most kind and loving thing for me and I want to make sure my actions are free from blaming, controlling, yelling, screaming, manipulating... I know he doesn't mean to hurt me or himself but he doesn't know any better and hasn't taken that First Step. He's been in AA for years on and off - he knows it is out there for him, only if HE wants it. I love him but I love me more. My heart is broken.
I am so sorry for your pain!!! This disease is so sad!!! It hurts-destroys so many!!! You don't have to be one of them. I don't have magic answers--if I did--if any of us did--we wouldn't be here. Only you can decide what you are willing to deal with--what you can put up with and for how long. You may decide to stay--that's fine, that decision doesn't have to be forever. You may decide down the road, that it is time to move on. I hope that whatever decision you make you are truly comfortable and find piece with it.
Keep posting, keep coming back, go to f2f meetings, get online in the chat room if you can.
I'm glad you're making honest connections of surrender, detachment, and you're processing through as best you can the process of grief. I would recommend you call your sponsor, just to touch base about your feelings, and I would actually recommend you go to an open AA meeting, to ground yourself. You know exaclty what you said was true. You know exactly the status of the disease and how painful it is. But I think if you "just stay here" you're gonna keep spinning and "the meeting in my mind" is about as productive as keeping your fingers in a mouse trap.
thank you - i can honestly say that today I took step 1...it is so painful and I hurt and ache inside. I will be going to a meeting tonight and have a counseling appointment on Thursday. Thank you for your warmth, love and support. I'm here for you too.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so painful to watch those we love battle this disease. When I first came into Alanon I had alot of those similiar questions you have now. Everyone told me that only I could decide for myself if I could live with the ups and downs of this disease. My Alanon friends gave me support and didn't shame me or judge me for my decisions. Everyone just said you'll know what you are supposed to do when the time is right. I really think that putting the focus on me and the program helped me to put me into a better perspective. I made the choice to stay with my A. At this time he is sober and we have done some good work in counseling. There is still so much changing to do. I have a deeper burning desire to change myself more than my A has. I just continue to release him to his HP; because I have seen the good work that is being done. We have our good days and bad days. I don't miss the alcohol and all the BS that comes with it. One huge release for me was finally understanding that I powerless over anything my A chooses to do with his life. I also know that I don't have to live in dysfunction or live in pain. Its up to me to change things that have caused me pain. I can still get hurt and those old behaviors creep up, sometimes a few times a week. Its to be expected... everyone grows and changes at their own pace. The more my A grows and does things for himself the healthier I see him, the happier I see him. He had to make the choices for himself. Taking my hands off his life and his problems was/is very tough, but if I want to have a life and some sanity that is what I must do.
You are on a good path, keep working it.... the answers will come. Until then strive for serenity and peace and take care of you.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
