The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Real Love is not based on attachment, but on altruism. In this case, your compassion will remain as a humane response to suffering as long as beings continue to suffer.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
In my meditation today, it discussed the reality that all of us are children of God, and when we withold love from people, we find ourselves feeling unloveable, behaving in approval seeking ways, and, swinging to the opposite extreme, judging others in such derisively extreme ways that they cannot love us; they simply aren't good enough to love us. By witholding love from a person, it argued, we withold love from all people, and this sets us up for lonliness, something we all came in here with, manifesting it in different ways--anger, low self esteem, fear, denial, et cetera.
This made me think of my relationship with my father. I hadn't--and haven't--loved my father like I think most daughters love their fathers since 8th grade. Why that year I can't honestly tell you. But I can say that it was about that time that I was just "done." Finished with his behavior, the way he treated my mother, the way he was Jeckell/Hyde, I just stopped. And it's not like Mom got off scot free, no, no, no. Mom, too, has lost my love, but more around when I was a junior in high school, and she packed up and left the house for good. Telling me how she was always convinced that I needed a 2 parent home, and how she wasn't sure I could be "adequately cared for," seeing how the courts "always give the whole of the responsiblity to the mother." I could see how what councelors had said, what Non-CAL literature had said, what all I had heard was confirmed in this morning's meditation: by refusing to love the hardest people in my life to love, I was depriving myself of the love that this universe offers on a free, no questions asked basis.
But wait, I thought--why should I love these people who have been so self absorbed, so cruel, so dysfunctional, that being in a relationship with them is about as productive or safe as being on a hike in a mine field? The meditation went on to explain our "love" does not have to be the kind we see on TV, nor should it. The "love" we give any person, especially those we have a toxic history with, should not be of a nature involving expectations, but of the sort the Dalai Lama alludes to: humane based. Compassion based. In the vein of "I am so sorry you are hurting so much." Of the nature of, "These sufferings are not on my side of the street. You do not have the right to project your pain onto me. I am sorry you are hurting, however." Compassion without pity; understanding without patronization; acceptince without self demoralization. What a challange!
Given how it seems around the holidays meeting topics revolve around "How on earth am I going to make it through this year!?" it seemed fitting that this would come up in my email. It seemed to fit that, as I've heard in a couple of meetings 1) participation in any holiday is strictly voluntary, so if you don't want to go, why are you making your self? 2)it is only 24 hours, the earth will, God willing, continue to spin on its axis no matter what.
May this thought give you something to chew on in the upcoming weeks.
Thank you for your thoughts. Powerful and I'll have to re-read them to digest them more.
Funny how you brought up stopping loving your father and mother a while ago. I don't think I stopped loving my mother about 7 years ago, but I definitely made a decision that I was an adult and I got to choose who was in my life -- and subsequently chose not to have her in my life. The basis for that decision was that she and her (I think) emotionally disturbed husband are toxic -- to each other and her to me. Every time we talked, a huge fight ensued about the past -- her failed marriage to my father and why he left, her failures as a mother (emotional and physical abuse, but also -- and she doesn't know this b/c I didn't tell her -- lack of protection from a sibling who sexually abused me for a period of 6 years under her roof), her and her inability to take responsibility for her mistakes. Fianlly after hearing all the excuses and getting so frustrated -- and feeling so rotten after each phone call and visit (which always took about 2 weeks to recover from), I thought about the Bible says -- that children ought to honor their mother and father and parents ought not to provoke their children. Well, I know damn well that all the abuse provoked alot of anger in me -- but I thought the most honorable thing at the time was to make a choice not to be in a toxic relationship with her. She's old, she's not changing or growing. I just can't be in a relationship w/ her -- I just can't. I am growing and changing. I've been in and out of therapy for now almost 20 years and in the rooms for almost as long. I still love her though -- and pray for her... that she's taken care of, that she is healthy, that she and her husband find a peaceful existance and that she is no longer badgered by me and my anger about what a crappy job she did as a parent. I just stopped arguing and accusing and blaming -- and I had to stop interacting with her b/c I wasn't in a place where I could understand what she did and let go if it.
I think for me, as I am now a parent and am married I see how hard parenting and marriage is -- and I deal with a recovering addict and am an acoa -- I have some of the same issues she had to deal with. But, when I look at my precious 2 year old, there's no way in Hell I would ever put him in a locked closet b/c he was crying, because he was being two -- the way she did to me. There's no way I would throw a steak knife at my husband the way she did when she argued w/ my dad once... and as a 5 year old, I witnessed that. I know I would never do that. I can't say I always fight fair -- I try to -- but I would never throw a steak knife at my husband -- even when he was drink and/or high, I never reached that level of violence against him.
So, I struggle with all this.. I don't know what forgiveness and love means in this case... I don't know if I should let go of it and say,"That's that" and try to have a relationship w/ her. I know if I called her, she'd think all was forgiven and forgotten and she'd want me to be a "daughter" in the true sense of the word to her. I don't really want that b/c she has nothing to offer me as a mother or friend. I rather feel that I have forgiven her in the sense that she's "not paying the price/penalty" anymore which were my angry and hostile interactions b/c they ceased when I stopped returning her calls. Me not having a relationship w/ her is a natural consequence of her actions and inactions. It doesn't make sense to continue to have a toxic relationship w/ someone you know is toxic -- often at work, when I realize someone is toxic, I limit my interactions w/ that person.
As for my father.. oh boy.... I am in ther process of letting go of him and grieving the loss of a relationship with him. My pain this past spring, after being excluded from father's day celebrations (which my step brother, his wife and his child did get to celebrate) along with some other life stressors lead to me having suicidal thoughts and subsequently drove me to seek counseling.
My father re-married a woman (when I was 13) who is an alcoholic but is currently not practicing recovery. When she was in recovery, there was a huge push to blend our families -- my step brother and me. But, in the last 2 - 21/2 years, in fact, she has been quite unkind to me and I'm not sure why. Part of her unkindness is excluding me from family events /activities around my father. Like father's day and his birthday -- we were excluded from celebrating those with him. Until this past fall, I have pined after my dad -- I was daddy's little girl... and I wish I had a close relationship w/ my dad. I have been missing him since he left when I was 6 years old. But, he chose his wife and continues to be dominated by her and further, allows her to make all the decisions, however poor. For example, last year, she told me they couldn't come to my 7 year son's birthday dinner b/c her ex-mother - in law was dying of cancer. Now, bear in mind, she'd been married to my father for 30 years and hadn't been in contact with this woman for the past 30+ years. So, all of a sudden, my son takes priority behind a woman who's she's not even related to anymore? Not that I begrudge a dying woman a visit from a friend... but to say "This is more important" was hard to swallow.
It's very hard to love the way the Dalai Lama suggests when one takes so much abuse. I guess it's much like Christ -- how he took so much abuse and still looked lovingly upon those who persecuted him.
I know the kind of love of which you speak is what we are to strive for, but I think it is a process and requires some level of understanding (in the heart, not just the head) the process of forgiveness, letting go, and then loving compasionately. And... maybe faith plays a huge part of this too, I don't know.
When you find more answers or information, I would love to hear of it.
I have started to read Marianne Williamson's Everyday Grace and perhaps need to re-read some of A Return to Love.
I did find last night at a family Christmas party feeling hurt and isolated. My counselor told me to not make any effort to interact w/ my father or his wife -- as they weren't obviously interested in having a relationship w/ me -- why should I put myself out there? I did respond to my step - sister in law when she approached me and we talked nicely a bit. But, I have to confess, I felt like crap when I came home realizing I was at a family party and my step mother and father avoided me. No interaction whatsoever. So, I can kinda see your point. If I had been myself, I would've tried to interact with them and I could've walked away knowing I tried to be bigger than all the crap between us ... and probably would've gotten hurt... I don't know -- is this what you mean?
It's all very complex and deep and I'm certainly not there yet -- but am certainly open and looking forward to your and any response/feedback.
Thank you for helping me try to think beyond myself and my little brain...
Very thought provoking - thanks for the post and the good topic. I enjoy reading your posts - you are inspiring and encouraging. Thanks for being here.
I believe it is important, when considering philosphy, to look not only at the country of origin: its political and economic structure during the lifetime of the philospher, how fluid and changing its belief system is, and how it compares to the society in which you have evolved. Once you fully comprehend the differences only then are you prepared to internalize a new belief system. You may find that what worked years ago in a country far far away does not work in the here and now.
We can find devine guidance in the strangest places.Once, on an episode of 'Touched by an Angel", I heard that the best way to find love in your life is to give it.I have come to believe that.Spread it around...it comes back to you.Not always from the source you want or expect it from but it does come back.
It's an old saying in the 12 step programs...to keep it you must give it away.I think that applies to many things.
It's interesting that we talk about "it's a process not an event," and then we try to leave it at that, Lee Ann. I too, have found that I really have to pick my times and battles with my parents. I find it a victory when I have a 16 minute phone conversation with my mother ( ) or manage to sit through a play and dinner with my father ( ) . It's a sense of "Yes! I owned my side of the street, kept my moulth shut, and didn't take their inventory! I'm getting it!"
And, I can only speak for myself, I don't know where I'd be without my sponsor. I have really come to depend on this woman for, really, the approval and love I didn't get as a girl. I too witnessed grave and depraved violence as a child, and was even raped by my father. And I can say, hands down, alot of my recovery has been based in the courage of this woman to go through the process of recovery herself, and to really reassure me, over and over again, "If I can do this, you can do this. I will love you as you walk through the fear."
) or manage to sit through a play and dinner with my father (