As many of you know I had really big issues this year because the a's mother (who is 71) married some man she knew from high school. She had met him at a high school reunion and they married literally within weeks of the reunion. The A's mother went from a widow (who never dated anyone) to a blushing bride in weeks.  She moved several states away and has hardly been heard from since.  At one time she was encouraging the A to relocate now there is no such encouragement but that is typical of her on/off again pattern of relating.

I've had issues with her for years of course but a whole lot of anger, envry and frustration came up for me when the wedding was going on. Some of it was that in typical fashion that the A stopped everything and spent weeks helping her pack and move.  Since he has tremendous financial issues and obligations this was really frustrating for me.  Needless to say all I heard from him for weeks was more of his idealization of her. I've since seen that as real pattern with him.  He'll idealize certain friends and associates and make them the center of his universe.  Needless to say I am allocated a bit player role.  This went so far one year that he took a friend out on my birthday and deliberatedly ignored me. Those were the days when I counted on him to celebrate my birthday.

The A's mother made herself the centerpiece of every holiday. The A had to go there and be there a minimum of 12 hours. I used to feel terribly upset that there was no room for our holiday.  In recovery I've seen more and more that the A makes very little room for our relationship at all regardless of who it is mother, friend, associate, neighbor, someone he just met they get priority. So I've stopped focusing on his mother as the centerpoint of conflict.

Nevertheless his mother did do some very mean things and said some very rude things to me no doubt fuelled by the A's complaints.  No doubt she also has her own issues as she comes from a very deprived background (at one time I would talk to her about her issues but I stopped after she was rude to me - a first for me to stop something when someone is rude).  I see her drinking a lot of alcohol and surrounded by lots of dysfunctional people.  I also see that she is not a very generous person.  I would rail and rage against inability to "give" and be aware of others for a long long long time and I felt immense betrayal by her lack of interest in me at all.

One thing the A's mother did a lot is when she did give us something it was broken. She once gave us an Apple computer which she made a huge fuss about.  There was no way to get the computer to work and since it was huge (no doubt because it was pretty old) there were a lot of issues eventually in getting it recycled.

When the A's mother moved she cleared out her cupboards and I noticed that she gave me washing up liquid with like two teaspoons of washing up liquid in them.  There were some bottles that were empty.  I remember throwing them out with resentment and a heavy heart.

What I see as a real improvement for me is that last night the A told me that a juicer (one that is the biggest juicer I ever saw) was broken. Instead of going into yet another resentment spiral I just let it go really quickly. I didn't even have a moment of resentment it was oh that's typical of her rather than an affront to me.  For me that is a first to say I am going to let this go because the pain and time involved in resentment is so much.

I know I will always have resentments to deal with. I can collect them or I can deal with them. When I can let go of something right away I think I am finally making progress in moving through stuff that can totally paralyze me in time.

Maresie.