I am so sorry that you are hurting.    It is healthy that you are feeling your anger and acknowledging how and why you feel as though you do.  Addictions are terrible illnesses and affect everyone around.  What has been helpful for me is to detach and keep the focus on me and my health.  With the help of my higher power and prayer, it helps me figure out what is in my best interest, regardless of if my A is working his program, drinking or doing whatever. Like many things we have to grieve and go through those steps of denial, anger and saddness to finally arrive at acceptance of our situation.  I wish I could give you a big hug.  You deserve it.  Know you are loved here and keep us posted on your progress.

I think I've spent the entire year here in pain, anger shame sadness and frustration.  I know it totally overwhelmed me.  What you are dealing with would overwhem anyone.

I do think A's live in a sea of denial. I have not had much luck forcing the A to come out of his sea of denial. The issue for me is that if I focus on my needs that I start making some headway. Like you I dealt with a tremendous amount of financial chaos.  Unentangling myself from it took time.  I will be still dealing with the financial stuff for months but it is months now rather than years.  I see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I also see that as one person (Debilyn) advised me strongly when i first came here what I needed for a long long time was to rest and recuperate and acknowledge I was at a bottom.

I've been doing the bottom now for a year.  I think there is a sign that things are looking up for me. Life doesn't seem like one long unending struggle anymore. I've made a few friends. I have let go of tons of things.  I am letting go of more.  I spend a lot of time here on this board that helps immeasurably.  I am focused on this right now as my main program.  I have other issues but this right now is my main focus.

I can slip back into that frustration/anger/rage place very very easily. I try super hard not to let myself anymore.  Of course I am angry at the A who wouldn't be. At the same time I am not willing to let the rage destroy me as I think the a's rage has destroyed him and continues to destroy his life.

Maresie.

So what good does it do, to be angry at something that has no emotions, is not human, will not change? This is not a human, this is a disease.

If it were him with diabetes and he kept having low blood sugar and acted out of control would you still be angry at him?

I read you were going to get you and the kids help to educate you about the disease. Did you do that?

Just becuz he is ill, does not mean you guys have to be. We cannot change them, but we can take care of us.

It may help you to read about detachment. We learn to love the A, knowing that all that bad is the disease.

I feel my husband is dead now. I don't blame him one bit. I hate the disease. He did not ask to have it.

Yes you have so much to contend with. That is what happens when we marry someone or love someone who is very sick. My mother got breast cancer. I had to do everything. Becuz she had a disease she never chose to have,

When we are married to an A, it helps to take over everything, never expecting anything out of them. You won't get it anyway.

They are as sick as if they had brain cancer. He may say he wants to do this or that, but the disease probably won't let him.

The way I start living life is a little at a time. I make lists, take care of what I can, maybe change my whole life. If you can start living, your kids will follow.

Did you and your daughter press charges? If not, I know for me, I would wonder why my mother did not make sure it was done.

Abuse is not a symptom of Aism and I can guarentee it will happen again, especially when he did not have any consequenses for the behavior. rehab does nothing for anger/abuse issues.

For me I say no wonder there is anger, when we don't deal with the obstacles, when we don't take care of our loved ones, when we don't "act" then it comes out as something destructive, anger that hurts you more.

so only you can look at the situation, what are the most loving things you can do? Alateen, counseling, etc. ?

I guess I would wake up and start doing something different.

much love,debilyn

 It's astute and proper of you to own your anger and realize it is over lying some deeper feelings. It is also astute of you to realize that simply because you have become entirely willing has no bearings on any one else. Having said that, this logic applies to your children.

 Your 19 year old has every right to protect her well being first, last, always, and having been in her sitution personally, she probably feels you failed to protect her as her mother: you were supposed to call the police, supposed to step in on her behalf, supposed to do something. But in the end, she got the crap kicked outta her, and all her Dad got was drug rehab--and now he's relapsed. I completely understand where she's at emotionally and mentally, I have been there myself. She felt completely powerless over her body for the critical moments she was getting beaten and she cannot bring herself to see that her father is ill. She may never get there. If she does, that's great, but it's a journey of self discovery and healing she needs to make herself on her own with the help of a professional. It is not your department to force her to come home, to go to al anon, to go to therapy. Period.

 The two younger ones are acting exactly how children act when there is alcholic dysfunction present in a home. Their life is unstable, their feelings are not acknowleged, they cannot garentee their needs are being met physically, financially, emotionally. Because there is no consistent structure to their lives, and because you have involved yourself so much in your husband and his disease, they are desprate to gain your attention by any means necessary, and if negative behavior will for a single moment attract you away from him, so be it. Fine. The children will sacrifice their well being for your attention, no matter how negative because you have let them go. Additionally, they have lost their father--they may not know difinitively WHY their father is MIA, but they understand THAT their father is MIA. They have NOT made the connection that their father, for the time he was in rehab was NOT abandoning him (after all, why else was he beating the tar out of their elder sister? wasn't she their protector? and wasn't he going to go after them next when he finished with her?), that it was NOT their fault, and that, no matter what you will ALWAYS be Mom. The ONLY way to right this situation is through action--letting your husband be and involving yourself. Presents under the tree DO NOT right this situation--my alcholic father would spend 1,000s of dolllars every year trying to right his violence, his absence, his alcholism. He was NOT present at school plays, parent/teacher confrences, swim meets, et cet when he was drunk.  Action speaks louder than words

 Now for your husband. Of course your angry. You had an expectation. You expected him to be cured. You expected that  *magic wand sound* he comes home from rehab and he's better. That's NOT how it works. If he learned ANYTHING in rehab, he learned that recovery is a CHOICE. Your husband has CHOSEN his disease over you. And if ANYTHING, THAT'S what you need to be angry about. He has chosen. reguardless of the sacrifices you have made, to be hostage to his disease again. Expectations are pre meditated resentments when they are not in proportion to reality.  Expecting some how that your husband would magically "get it" because of the thousands of dollars in rehab doth not  recovery make. This is why many times, families make the addicts pay their own rehab fees. 

 Now, having said all this, your work is cut out for you.  Happiness is an inside job and a personal responsibility.  If you wish to bring positivism to your home, al anon has tools to assist you. If not, we are more than happy to fully refund your misery. Additionnally, it would behoove you to get a sponsor and start working on the 12 steps. Your recovery is something you CAN control, WILL make a difference in your life and IS something that others WILL notice.

 Keep us posted and Good luck.