The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am an alcoholic. I need your help. 1. Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too. Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.> Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself. I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.> Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. > Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it. > Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool to easily. > Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. > Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. deb2> Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly. > I love you. Your alcoholic
Thank you for posting this letter. I read it years ago, but this reminder just hits home again and again. It is good for all to see, as it bares the truth of this disease, and helps us make "our journey" in our recovery, whether the A is still drinking or not. Let us live our lives the best we can, one day at a time...............gardengal
I like the letter but what it's missing for me is telling me what I SHOULD do. I know and feel the things I shouldn't do but what can I do? I feel like I have lost my husband (at least the man I married) and now I am forced to live with this stranger who looks like my husband and sometimes acts like my husband, but he really is an imposter. As much as I love this man, it is hard for me to look at him sometimes and certainly hard for me to feel like his "wife". He acts mad at me because I'm so cold to him but I feel like I don't know him. He is always asking me for encouragement and I am trying but he wants encouragement along with having those old feelings back and I just can't make that happen.
I know he needs to take care of himself right now - but what am I supposed to do? I get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other but those footsteps don't lead me in the same place they used to and I'm scared they never will. I just want to be happy and being with the man who was my husband made me happy.
So I wish from the A's point of view - I would like to know what I'm supposed to do!
Thank you for posting this letter. It definitely means a lot to me. I am going through great changes in my life at the moment and sometimes need encouragment. I found this in your post. I was reminded of what it's like to be anA, and was reminded of the best things I could do.
Sometimes its easy to be soft hearted, to give too much. Sometimes this is not the best thing to do.
What you can do is accept that there is nothing you can do....
My AH had a bit of a temper tantrum at a softball game on the base in August. Of sourse he had been drinking, this was a weekend long all night tournament for charity. Teams drink beer until they play a game at 2 am, catch a nap, play at 5 am. Saturday afternoon, my AH had an argument with an ump, he really lost it. Then he got into it with a guy from another team. He stormed off, heading for his truck. His teammates are saying to me "you can't let him drive, etc, etc, the SP over there is watching him." I just sat right there. There was nothing I could do, I certainly can't overpower him. So I intended to sit right there, and let the SP get him. I told them, "If you want to do something, go ahead. I can't stop him." It was this little crises that got him into treatment. He almost lost a stripe, as at some point he told an intervening chief to piss off. His commander sent him to the base hospital for an alcohol abuse evaluation, and they recommended treatment.
There is nothing you can do, I know it is hard to watch them hurt themselves, but all you can do is love them and listen when they have something to say. I listened to my husband go on and on about his drinking many nights, knowing he would never even remember what he said the next morning. It is frustrating, I know, because it seems so clear to you.... you just want to shake him and scream 'Why don't you get it?" But that will only send them deeper in, make the voice of addiction louder when it says, "See, I understand..."
I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through what we have to go through. I am especially sorry for the addicts in our lives. The only other thing I can tell you is to pray. A lot.
