The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working the alanon stuff, coming here, going to chat. Taking care of myself. Detaching from my AH. But I am lonely as hell.
I am busy with friends, my daughter, my house, my craft projects, Christmas baking, wrapping, making, buying.
I am just so overwhelmed by grief today. It is taking everything I have to keep moving and get my stuff done. I have a horrible headache.
I miss my husband. We stopped talking this morning when he said I always make stupid comments (I don't) and that I am sarcastic (which I am not), and I got my feelings hurt. Had to get some shopping done, and cried the whole time. My heart hurts. I had a panic attack at the store today, and had to leave. I am so exhausted, I am going to lay down. Hubby is across the street, I guess. He worked in the yard all day, but could not come in to even say HI to me. His friend came by and he started drinking. I hate being ignored, it brings back all those abandonment feelings. I feel so alone. If I felt better and my head didn't hurt, I'd go somewhere with a friend. But for now, I am just going to hit the couch with a warm blanket, and hope that if and when AH comes home, he's not in a bad mood towards me. Sorry for the whining....it hurts! I grieve for the way things used to be, when he used to love me. When he couldn't wait to see me, when he would do little surprises for me. I miss feeling loved and cherished by the man I love and cherish.
Just wanted to give you a hug, living with an active A can drain the life out of ya. I know, I've been there, walking on eggshells to what awaited me at home after work, or what would be walking in the door. Can u get to a meeting soon? If not, try picking up that phone and calling a program friend, reading literature, working on step 1, 2, 3.., and remember that you are loved :)
I'm still in the process of learning that I should avoid going to that empty well for water...
Enjoy your couch, be gentle with yourself and know that this too shall pass.
You're doing good things - coming here, remembering your program. I too encourage you to call an alanon friend, even if it's just for a quick hello. Amazing how a friendly voice can help turn a hard mood around.
Yours in recovery,
Susan
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Plan B? Yea, Plan B - sounds so official, especially when we're flying by the seat of our pants! (from Dukes of Hazzard, paraphrased by my teenager)
I think personally I've been totally controlled by abandonment issues most of my life. The A, like many other people can read that. He's certainly made a lot out of controlling those issues. That is one reason why I find it so hard to feel loving towards him sometimes because he has made such hay with my issues. I am sure I have my moments too unconsciously.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I hope you can keep talking about how you feel the more I talk about how I feel to those who understand the stronger I get.
Well, I am no expert. I sit here alone on a Sat nite with my dogs and cat. My AHsober left 1 1/2 years ago. Just walked out the door. I miss him alot. Not the crapola but his essence and our marriage. He doesn't miss me. Doesn't call, we don't do much. But I get lonely and I think that it is because I live in a rural area. But friends tell me that they get lonely too and they live in cities. I read that loneliness is caused by not feeling connected to the universe. I try to break it up. I tell myself that my AHsober has a disease and is sick and can't be there for me. I tell myself that some loneliness is good for me. And then I try to connect with someone; anyone. When I am really starting to lose it, I call my sponsor. And sometimes I even hear my HP calling me!
Im sorry you are feeling all alone, I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel, right now is a very lonely time in my life also, I asked my A to leave home 2 weeks ago and have felt lonely ever since...BUT I know no matter how alone I am I still have myself...and right now I am just missing the man my A used to be, not the one he is right now. Tears are healing, cry your eyes out, enjoy your quiet time on the couch and know someday it will get better....take care of yourself and know there are people here that are wishing you well and praying for you.
I do understand your feelings of loneliness....please try and remember that addiction has not one thing to do with love.....the sad truth is when in active addiction the addict can not see you....they can only see the sad world of addiction they are living in....
The loneliness can drive us insane....just try and keep busy....and if you need to just lay down with a warm blanket then that is what you should do....
I hope today is a better day for you....keeping you in my prayers dear lady....and just try and remember love has nothing to do with it.....maybe the man you cherish is no longer there...then again maybe he is somewhere....just take is odat.....
