Hi,

I've been lurking on this board for about a week or two, and I think this is the place for me.

My husband is an A, and I just threw him out of the house today. I'm not sure if it's permanent or temporary, but I'm pretty sure I did the right thing. I'm finally starting to do what's right for me and our daughter (who's almost 2).

AH is what I guess you'd call a "functional" alcoholic. He saves his drinking for the weekends, and not even every weekend. He's gone for long periods of time, from weeks to several months, without drinking at all (at least that I'm aware of). On the surface, he has a very successful, busy life. But when he does go out and drink, he disappears for an entire day, coming home at 3, 4, 5 am. I have no idea where he is or who he's with. He's gotten a DUI, wrecked his car, been assaulted, robbed, and who knows what else. He swears he never cheated on me, and I have no proof he has, but I don't trust him so I can't believe it. The bars close at 3, he doesn't get home till 5, the bar is 15 min from our house. I can do the math. I've cried, begged, pleaded, bargained, threatened, yelled, and have finally come to realize that none of that works.

He's been an A since before I even met him; it just took me until after we were married and were expecting our first child to realize it. I drank too; we were young and that's what we and everyone else we knew did - went out to bars & got drunk. It was a phase that I grew out of; he didn't. His parents are A's, so are many of his friends and other family members. I am no match for that.

About 3 years ago, I looked into Al-Anon, and decided it wasn't for me. The A's that people talked about were way more messed up than mine, and there was no way I played a role in any of this - I wasn't the one doing anything wrong. It's taken me almost 3 years to realize (and work through Step 1) that I am powerless to alcohol, and my life is unmanageable b/c of it. My house is a mess, I'm stressed out, tired, depressed. It's affecting my performance at work, and I can't remember the last time I did something for me. And I also realized my part in AH's sickness. Early in our marriage, he screwed a lot of things up financially, etc. I bailed him out and have been doing that ever since. I've taken away his power to do things for himself, and now I'm trying to give it back to him. And he doesn't like it. But I need to do it.

So my biggest issue now is: when (if ever) do I let him back in to the house? I know ultimately this is my decision, to be made w/ the guidance of my HP. But I'm really struggling. DH has finally admitted he has a drinking problem, and admitted he needs outside help, but has yet to get it. I told him that he first had to take the step to DO something (not just promise to, which he does all the time then makes excuses for why he didn't) before I'd consider letting him back in the house. He says he needs to live here to recover, and to an extent I agree, b/c he is financially dependent on me until he finishes school and gets a job next fall. The only people he could reasonably stay with are alcoholics, and that would obviously be a big obstacle for him. I'm committed to supporting him IF he makes the effort to recover. But that is a struggle too - I have to monitor him and decide whether he's making enough of an effort, and I need to get away from doing that. And I need to stop HELPING him so much, b/c it's just hurting him in the long run.

But, we also have a daughter, and they adore each other. I don't want to hurt her by taking away her dad. But I also don't want her to see his alcoholic behavior. He's a wonderful dad to her when he's here. I don't want to take that away from her.

Any advice or support would me much appreciated. Thanks for listening!