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I've been trying to work through the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover Plan and I posted this to their forum tonight -- thought ya'll would have good insight too -- them from a money perspective and ya'll from an al-anon/aa perspective...
Thanks...
Well it's been Murphy's year. Mainly because I haven't been strong enough to tell DH to step up and be a real man.
1) I suffer from depression real bad - which tends to lead me down the road of denial and ahhhh -- it'll get taken care of later. Which partly explains my ability to procrastinate and then work wonders under pressure. (Hmmmm a new insight on myself -- cool.)
2) He's an alcoholic
3) He got a DUI with a fine of $818.00 - He paid $300 on the fine in September and on the 18th of December the rest is due. We had put aside $300 and had been saving from HIS paycheck NOT mine $50 a week - which would have put him on course for having the money to pay his fine.
4) He got hurt at work -- so he says. Blew out his knee - no insurance, working for cash so boss just "lets him go" with excuses like oh work is slow, waiting on such and such contractor etc....
5) He has no license and is 29 years old with that entitlement mindset.
Anyway to make a long story short -- we were rolling downhill like a snowball headed for he** (got to love Merle).
Ended up with checks posting to overdraft protection (ODP), then Mortgage hits bank and my paycheck just covers that, rest of automatic payments, ODP grabbed before I could stop them. $27.50 a pop. I have stopped my direct deposit - and will close the accounts and work with the bank to make up for the ODP charges. We had to use $200 of his saved fine money for food, necessities leaving $100 for fine.
Anyway --
3 small kids -- not one Christmas Present purchased, ages 6,5, and 2 (they still believe in Santa). They are kids and they will have Santa.
After I pay for the necessities -- I have enough left to pay a large chunk on his fine. Plus his $100.
Dilemna: The Clerk's office said the judge was in the holiday spirit and would see that as effort and not send to jail. Else -- he goes to jail, directly to jail, do not pass go...on the day of "show cause" for not paying his fine.
Do I save his butt so his kids can have Christmas with him or do I let him go to jail and sit for 20 or more days?
On a personal level (for myself) I want him to go to jail to teach him a lesson - he's sat on his butt and done very little around the house for 5-6 weeks. I suggested (after knee was better) to walk around neighborhood and offer to clean out gutters (10 houses at $50 a pop would have paid his fine). aaaaarrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh
But, my babies would be very unhappy if Daddy was in jail on Christmas.
In Al-anon we are taught to not enable... so what does a girl do?
Merry Christmas.
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Renee
"If you are going through Hell, keep going." Winston Churchill
Well I am in exactly that position although I have no children. The A got some huge fine which indicated he was way way over the speed limit. Where I live they do not come get you but eventually he will be stopped for it. I know he acquired a credit card from somewhere so I presume he will pay on it. I also know procrastination is his middle name.
Last year he did the exact same thing at the exact same time. He went to jail for I think one day and found a way to pay it. I don't think he was penalized at all. He came back with the "bracelet" on his arm and an attitude that's about it
I've been working really super hard all year to get unenmeshed from the A. I am not paying this fine. I can't tell you the number of times I paid the rent, the electric the stuff he is supposed to pay for. He agrees to pay for the food (which I pay for) and then he doesn't.
The A I live with is coming up on 48 going on 5. Nothing changed in the 6 years I have been with him. If anything he has a worse attitude.
These days I do not volunteer for much. I used to jump to volunteer to help him. That stopped for me I got burned out. I also got broke.
There are charities that can help with the Children's gifts. I don't know where you are. The Salvation Army generally goes a give up away. Local fire stations generally do a collection and a give away. Why not look into that.
I can't tell you what to do. I've been years in saving and rescuing and enabling the A. I had to stop because the resentment was killing me. I am pretty much at peace about the speeding ticket. I don't ask him about it. I feel its his business and I am through volunteering but I made a point of knowing about it. One point is that he drives my vehicle (which I bought to help him) and all the tickets are on the VIN number which makes it difficult to sell if I ever get to do it. He's also crashed this truck numerous times. The last time when he hadn't bothered to buy insurance for it was one of the last straws. Last time he asked me for money we had a huge argument. He has not asked since. I think I made it pretty clear I had had enough of his sob stories, he always has one. The issue is that he is the only one who is allowed to have difficulty, be ill, be down, I am not.
I have to say I don't anymore think in terms of teaching the A a lesson. He's not teachable. Whatever he is doing is fine by him and he has no bottom. I just work super hard on detaching for me. I also work super hard on not taking on stuff that isn't my responsibility. The ticket is his so I leave it to him. Nevertheless I have covered myself by insuring the truck. If it wasn't insured and he's arrested I'd run a good chance of never getting it back (there is a law change).
One thing I do know is the A I live with would allow me to pick up every tab till I was dead from ovework or had worked myself to death. I don't even know if he has a conscience but he lies with impunity and then claims its all my fault. He feels entitled to his gross expectations that I take care of him and I am no longer willing to do that. I was willing before because I saw that as love but no I see that was a time when I was totally devoid of self love and I'm not sure if it is possible to love another when you don't love yourself.
i am a man. if it were me, i'd learn in JAIL that there are consequences to my actions. the government made rules/laws. that is an under-estimated boundry. a family member of mine lost someone very dear to them because a drunk driver killed them. my honest opinion concerning your situation: DO NOT RESCUE. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. DADDY NEEDS TO LEARN, SO THAT HE MAY BE A BETTER FATHER, IF NOT HUSBAND.
what message will bailing him out send to him?
what message will it send to your children when they can understand?
my thoughts, take them for what they are worth, and make an educated decision, whichever way.
yours in the struggle
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Just my honest opinion....Send him to jail. Directly to jail. Do not pass go and definetley spend the money on Christmas for the kids. Not even one ounce of doubt in my mind that all involved especially the kids will learn a large lesson from this holiday in your home. You reap what you sow. You can't pay the piper for your misdeeds you spend Christmas in jail.
Now work on you! You deserve so much better than this! We all do!
Since when is it our responsibility to pay their fines? I sure would not bail him out. He took himself to jail when he got into that car drunk. What if he had killed someone elses babies hon?
Also if he got hurt at work, he needs to call the employment office to find out how to get workmans comp becuz what his boss did was illegal. He fired him anyway so what can he lose? He will get compensated believe me and his boss will be fined.
Up to him.
go to jail, sober up a bit. Maybe if his kids visited him in there they may see the real daddy.
use that chunk of money. Put some in savings and don't tell him. You and the kids are going to need it if you choose to live with him.
I will tell you too, if we do not allow them to answer for their own behavior, it is a diservice to them. Also when your kids get older, they will respect you more for not enabling him. Plus you are not taking him away from them, HE IS.
There may come a time when your kids make a mistake, what happens when they say, well dad did not have to go to jail.
Do not make any big deal about him not being there. Just be light about it. Allow them to learn early drinking and driving causes some very sad things to happen.
