The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling a little frazzled right now. Thought I might type the stress right out of myself. LOL
AW's mother has talked to a professional about interventions. MIL suggested that AW and her to talk to this person. It was a night that AW was particularly upset about her situation being seperated during the holidays.
Long story short she didn't want to go because she figured out what "kind" of professional this was. Felt she was being tricked... Ok, I will buy that. So she is already upset and she starts talking about all the ways that "I" need help to, and we should be working on that at the same time.
I have really struggled with how to say... "First things first, you get sober then we work on our relationship". I have tried to say it that way and many other ways.
I didn't feel particularly inspired when I explaned it tonight. It went something like ... in order to work on a relationship together, we both have to understand the same version of reality, we can't have a civilized conversation about who will get truck tires fixed, the validity of fixing the water to the fridge, or the timeing of fixing the leaky shower. That means we don't live in the same reality. Until we can do fix that, the relationship group thearapy will have to wait.
Yes, I believe this answer to be my honest feeling. Was it appropriate to dump that on her? Probably not.
As I am working my 4th, this is one of my "known" defects. I grow very impatient of what I call "answer hunting". There are 2 variety of hunters: Hunter A asks the same question 1000's of times expecting No to turn to Yes, (when the prey finally understands what the hunter meant to ask, LOL). Hunter B asks the exact same question to 1000 people and gains that rush of victory if they get 1 person to say Yes even if the first 999 said No.
I hunt Hunters A and B and crush them into diamonds at work. I am a computer programmer and I see that as an endless loop of sorts... an error in logic. I shouldn't do that, but what's worse is when I am falling prey to Hunter A... (especially my AW), I can feel my blood pressure go up, I start off by using the tools... I tell myself that "I don't have to play the game", I don't have to be right, It's not important enough for a struggle and loss of serenity. She already knows my answer......998...999.. then I blow! <sigh>
Ah boy..... is it too late to start today over at 5:30 pm? It is morning somewhere in the world, right?
Thanks for letting me vent.... I feel a little better already.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
One thing that is clear to me unless there is a sense of partnership not much will happen. Unfortunately they delay getting help for ever and by then the people around them are totally burned out. I can understand that now. I thought I would be an eternal fountain of hope I'm not anymore. I also know that I can only take so much. I could take it all and did for years.
There are limits. I dont' know what yours are. I am working on what mine are. I honor mine now I didn't honor mine before. His needs always trumped mine.
As a computer programmer you must always remember to code an error message into your program. In that way your program can gracefully shut down whenever invalid data is entered.
My error message usually said something along the lines of "we have discussed this before and my answer hasn't changed. There is no further point in discussing it agian. If you have nothing different to discuss, I have something else to do." Then I went and did it. Eventually they get tired of entering the same invalid data. And, if they don't, you no longer have to listen to it.
I am with ditto , had way too many of those conversations over the years , same questions over and over again same promises etc. I simply started to say udon't have to l ive this way there is a place where people understand give him a hug and walk away .
Poor mother in law interventions just don't work _ jsut my opinion . Just keep doing what your doing and enjoy the holidays with your children . Your wife made the choice to move out of your home , now when the concequence leaves her lonley it's not your problem to fix. goodluck Louise
keep the faith strong, brother. i suspect you are feeling the same guilt i do. "i'm her husband, for God's sake!" she is suffering, but changing your tune will only invite the chaos. you do know what you need to do. stop, deep breath, be a good father, be a good man, be happy about where tomorrow will take you.
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Hate that things were feeling so overwhelming for you - hope that you were able to set some of these issues aside and get some rest over the weekend.
And yes you can start your day over at 5:30, 8:30 - even 11:59 pm.
In my opinion, it doesn't sound like "dumping" it sounds more like sharing true feelings. She shared what she thought would work & you shared what you need before you can work on the relationship. Never forget you are entitled to your opinion, thoughts & feelings - even if she doesn't agree with them. You don't have to change your standpoint just because she doesn't agree.
Hope that your week is filled with peace, serenity, love & hope.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree with Rita. I think it was just stating the truth. The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't hear it! There are also those times when they don't leave you a choice but to be completely honest---even when that honesty can hurt. I'm sorry that left you feeling bad. Today (at least in my neck of Texas) is Monday--time to start anew!!
Good luck to you this week. Keep up the good work and take care of you!
rtexas, I can add nothing except that I agree with cj's post; you do know what you need to do. And I want you to know that you are in my thoughts, hopes, and prayers, and I send all good wishes this holiday season.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You were so tactful, and classy, and YES YES YES YES YES! Of course your MIL wants an intervention. It's KILLING her watching her daughter acting this way, destroying her life, killing off her relationship to her grandkids. I mean, who DOESN'T want those nice, cute Walt Disney World endings? They're "happily every after" for a reason!
Now, having said that, **THIS IS ONLY A SUGGESTION**, reach out to your MIL. Let her know (and I'm fairly certain you have) that her grandchildren are ALWAYS here for her. A Christmas picnic? Sure! After Christmas shopping with "the girls?" Please! By all means! The girls need someone since mom has gone MIA. A New Years party with "the crew?" Abosolutely! It is my experience that when the alcholic realizes "OMG, I'm alone. No one is here to feel sorry for me. To fix me. To make it better. I'm all alone. OMG." When your AW gets to that point, she'll surrender. AA has ALWAYS been in the phone book. Someone ALWAYS picks up the phone (thank god!).
And, as you've shared, please, FEEL those feelings. The feeling is in the healing. CONTINUE to be honest and direct. FEAR is an acronym for me nowadays for Feel Everything And Recover. I am just so proud of you!!!
thanks for the little acronym tiger, I'm gonna use that one! Great job Texas!!! You have been so strong and going to work and raising kids by yourself - it ain't easy!
