The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Week - AH took off on a Wednesday from work to get drunk and high on crack (unusual because payday is Friday, but he asked his boss for it early). Called at 11:30pm as usual to say he wants to come (Usually I yell a little and let him come home). This time I hung up. he called back, I didn't answer. He came home, knocked, but I didn't let him in. I know he has nowhere else to go, so about 20 minutes later I went outside to see if he was sitting out there. We live in the basement of a house, and new tenants were going to be moving in upstairs the next day.....where do I find him? Sleeping on the front porch!!! I told him to leave, that I wasn't going to let him embarrass us by letting the new tenants find him sleeping on there porch in the morning! I told him if he wasn't gone in 5 minutes when I came back I would dump a bucket of water on his head. I waited 30....went back, he was gone. I knew again he had nowhere to go so I looked all around for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I called out his name a couple of times and he answered.....he was sleeping in the little dirt alley way up the side of the house. I let him in. The next day, he did his fake "I'm moving out" thing, and called me from a phone booth saying he was on his way to look at a place. I knew the routine, so I knew that meant he was going back to the bar. At this point, I didn't know he had gotten his pay early, and was wondering where he got the money from, but oh well. I sat at home with our daughter, and suddenly decided to check the pockets of the pants he wore the night before. What do I find? A condom !!! I was LIVID!! I dropped the baby off at my moms and was determined to find him and find out what the hell was going on. Luckily by the time I had found him I had calmed down. I walked in the bar and sat down. He greeted me with a bunch of "What the fu#*k do you want" etc, etc. Adventually he calmed down, came home. He said ofcoarse, exactly what I knew he would say about the condom, and that's that someone gave it to him for a joke!!
The next day he promised (and I kinda believed him this time) that he wasn't going to do anything to piss me off at least until after x-mas. This was last Friday.
TONIGHT:
He didn't come home. I called his boss to see if he left yet, even though it was 7pm and I knew he should have been home by 5....6 at the latest. His boss said he left at 4. I asked him if he gave him his pay? He said no, but he gave him $260.00 to get him 3 tickets to some concert for his family for x-mas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG He's home....be back later
I was in Yosemite, ca last year in November. There was an alanon speaker who had a life story just like yours. Every night her AH would go to the bar and she would bundle up her children in the car and go looking for him, night after night year after year.
She had a heart wrenching story to tell up there on the podium in front of 1000 people.
And next to her was her husband, sober 25 years.
She kept doing the same behaviours, yelling, screaming, chasing her ah down until the miracle in her life happened.
She found alanon. She worked the steps. She worked on her life and her kids life. And she got better.
Along the way, though the grace of her HP, her ah got better too. Not because she chased him down and tried to control him.
Alanon is worth a shot for you. It is something new that you have not tried yet.
Please keep coming back and sharing. It is how I recovered and so many others. One post at a time, one meeting at a time. You can do it.
Welcome to MIP and YOUR recovery
In support
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Well, I can tell you for sure that you have just found yourself a perfect situation for practicing detachment. When the boss finds out where his $260 dollars really went, needless to say, it won't be your butt that'll be burned. There are consequences that he will suffer here that are none of your business and that are best you stay out of.
It would also behoove you to realize that boundries are no good if they aren't enforced--your alcholic is probably very confused about how you feel about his drinking and what you consider acceptable behavior, if only because there's a consistent pattern of yes/no, yes/no, yes/no. Yelling at an alcholic for drinking is like yelling at a puppy for pissing on a carpet--the deed is done. It can't be fixed. But, using the puppy analogy, if the puppy is taught that he pees outside, he makes the connection why you're upset. Right now, I'll bet your husband is wondering "So do I have a place to live, or is only on days ending in Y that I don't?" It would be wise to figure out what exactly you are willing to put up with at this point and stick to it. Other wise, you're like the dutch boy in the dike: there just aren't enough fingers to plug the holes of the leaks.
Hi. I agree with Tiger about keeping boundaries that you set. I was confused reading your post because you didn't let him in but then you went to check if he was okay/still there and then you let him in?? I'm definitely not critising, because I know how it is in the moment you sort of go on gut reactions and don't really know what to do or what the consequences will be -you want them to know you mean business and (maybe want them to 'learn a lesson'?). But as Tiger says - if you go back on it the only message it sends is that you don't really mean what you say or that if they persist long enough that you will give in and so they won't really understand how much it bothers you.
Also I think one of the ideas of Al-anon is that you can't 'teach them a lesson'. It's not worth the energy to do that or go through pants or search him down. You also said you were sitting around with your daughter while he was out. I'm not at all trying to tell you what to do, but I do wonder if you focused less on him and focused more on you and keeping you and your daughter safe whether you might be surprised when he does something good and not always surprised that he continually does things like not come home.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Keep coming back. Alanon has many tools to help us cope. You can't control it, you can't cure it, and you certainly didn't cause it.
Sorry about that, he completely caught me off guard there! The way that story ended was with me doing all the "wrong" things....remember, I'm very new to the Alanon thing and have a long way to go.
I went to the bar to see if I could find him, and stop him before he spent all the money and put us further in debt AND possible lost his job. When he saw me come in the bar (me and my giant baby stroller), he took the last swig of his beer, grabbed his jacket and came storming towards me and right by me calling me every name in the book. When we got outside, he stopped and put down his work bag to put his jacket on. I grabbed it because I knew the money would be in it. I think for a second he considered taking my head off right in the middle of the street there if I didn't give him back his bag, but luckily a really big guy came out the door behind me and that was enough to make him storm off. I came home, realizing he had already spent $140.00 in 2 hours somehow. But.....along with the money I found a womans phone number in his bag (since then I found out it was this young little waitress that works at the bar). Anyway, things have returned to "normal" for now. Until the next bout I guess.
I can't wait to get some money of my own later this week so I can go and get an Alanon book and start reading on how to handle these situations.
He is my best friend aside from all else, and I can see him now getting farther and father away from recovery. I just wish I knew a way to lead him in the right direction.
He is my best friend aside from all else, and I can see him now getting farther and father away from recovery. I just wish I knew a way to lead him in the right direction.
Honey, if he is your best friend, I'd hate to see what your enemies are like. I don't mean to make light of the situation, but YOU cannot RESCUE him, FIX him, MAKE him see the pain HE is causing. Get to a face 2 face meeting. Get a book. Get educated. PLEASE!!!!!
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
