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Having played this game from almost every field position from behind home to left field, not to mention watched it from the dugout, the bleachers, and on TV... all I can say is, it's just as difficult to love a recovering A as it is to love an active one. Maybe more so.
Why? For one thing, drinking is just a symptom. While recovery can't begin until the drinking stops, stopping drinking is just that - the beginning. It's not the end. It's the beginning of a difficult process that the A must work through. Alone. We can't work it for them, otherwise we deprive them of that process and they haven't really done it, any more than our child learns anything if we do their homework for them.
I think many of us see an opening - in early sobriety the A may display some willingness, and may crack his door open just a little. For many of us, that crack is the call to stick a foot, a crowbar, a bulldozer to rip it open and toss a lifetime of our own garbage onto the A.
I'm not saying this from any overt sympathy for the A at this point. This is to be expected, and dealing with it is part of his process. But from our perspective, why do WE heap this on the newly recovering A? What do we expect? Are we so demanding - vengeful even - that we demand instant satisfaction?
Most alcoholics have, as one post put it, "other issues". No doubt! The recovering A will deal with them in his own time. They may not be the issues we think he needs to work on. Just because the A is in recovery, does not mean he's on a fast track to seeing things our way. We are sick too; do we want the responsibility of directing the A's recovery to suit our own demands? Do we want to do his inventory, make his amends list?
That's why we have our own program. Our inventory. Our amends. Our serenity. Our sanity.
Very often the A has done far more damage than he can ever repair in a lifetime. Certainly not to our satisfaction. Are we willing to let go of that expectation? It's not a requirement; an A who has put his/her partner through hell has no more right to expect that partner to go through a hellish recovery with him, than the partner has to expect instant indemnification for the past. That's why the decision to stay together, in the case of a marriage/partnership, must be made one day at a time, and based on a clean slate, not an old balance sheet. There is no shame in walking away from the recovering A... or the A walking away. We recover to get better, not to go back to the way things were.
When it comes to that #1 obstacle - resentment - we Alanons are no different from the alcoholics. If we refuse to move on until justice has been served up on a silver platter, we are making a decision to never move on.
Great post! I love my husband just as much now as I did when he was drinking. The love I felt for him never changed. I just couldn't live with an active alcoholic. Perhaps it is because I did not live with it for 20 years like some.
What I am finding is that the dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are different. As I continue to work on my recovery and he on his, we are changing as individuals and as a couple. So we really need to work our programs. The other bonus that I think that we have, is that we have always been very independent people. We can spend lots of time apart without the other one getting upset has always been a plus. But we also make sure we spend time together, even if it's just watching the news together. We now do things that recovery based such as attending AA meetings or doing our daily readings together.
When he was first in recovery and before I really found Alanon, I felt left out of his recovery. When he relapsed I didn't understand. I had the feeling he would, but I didn't "get it". When I found this amazing place the went on! I realized my part in this relationship. I no longer blamed myself for his lack of recovery. But I do accept my role in the relationship.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your post is so true! I try to tell myself this over and over. Sometimes I get so tired of some of the "character defects" of my recovering A and I can make myself so upset about what I think he ought to be doing, or things I think he should be feeling or saying--then I remind myself this is a growing process. He can only have my thinking, feelings, sayings if he has been where I have been. We may never see "eye to eye" on all things, he may always do somethings that I don't agree with. It is my choice to stick it out in spite of the character defects or not.
I love my A. I am so proud of him for working his program. When I look back to just a few months ago he has grown soooo much. How dare I expect more!!!! HP has him where he needs him and in the end that's all that matters!!
What I needed to hear today. I've felt like reaming my A for a few days -- He is no where near recovery, but even so for my own good I've got to let go and move on from the resentments of past hurts. If I don't then I just stop and live in my own frustrations.
I think it's funny how you put it, I've often felt that my A would like my head on a platter. Nothing was ever good enough. They do it to us.....and we inturn wait and anticipate the time we can do it to them. I know I've verbalized that my A could never be sorry enough....I still believe that to be true, he couldn't be sorry enough for what has been done. It wouldn't erase anything......it's up to me to let these things go so that I can enjoy this life.
you know lately I have been watching the A deal with resentments. He is so caught in them. I was totally entrapped in a relationship of resentment hating with him. I would spend all day hating him resenting him and letting him know it. This morning he was his usual resentful, mean nasty self. I chose to rise above it. He has not had calls from me today saying I hate him and hold him responsible for my life of misery. I have turned a corner. I will not get justice from him. He is not sorry he smashed the truck umpteen times. He is not sorry for anything but himself that life is not all his way. He may never be. I no longer let that destroy me. I do not have to forgive him but I do have to be in control of my resentments and today I am. I have a new friend of mine to thank for that. He really helped me to see I was being controlled by him and his dysfunctional actions and I refuse to do that. I have a life and I have made mistakes I no longer have to kill myself because I made the mistake of rescuing the A at certain times. I will not beat myself up for that anymore. I choose today to not let the resentments against the A poison my existence. The A has enough going on for himself and his dysfunction he is not going to get me too. He has no idea I have moved on but I am ready to when the time comes I will leave without taking poison and resentment with me. I know I can choose my time and I know I can choose to leave with dignity which I am not sure I could before. I also know I have to leave as the A certainly does not love or care for me. I doubt he ever did.
I agree...most alcoholics have done so much damage to their families that there is no way they can really make up for it. If their family cannot learn to forgive and let go of resentment, then they will all continue to be in pain, even though the alcholic is in recovery.
I remember when I finally spoke to my first husband after refusing to have anything to do with him for 15 years. He had been a severe addict and alcholic.
His first words to me where that he was clean and sober now, having been forced into AA in prison and it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that he was deeply sorry about the way he had treated me while married and admitted to all he had done and asked my forgiveness. I had taken me 15 years, but I was ready to forgive and I told him I had fogiven him.
However, he wanted that forgiveness to include me letting him back into my life AND helping him develop a relationship with our daugther. No way...
I truly do forgive him, I know he was very sick at the time and since I had known him since kindergarten I knew what a kind and decent person he had once been in his heart. I think of that little boy and I forgive him. However, that has nothing to do with continuing to want him in my life. Too much harm has been done for that.
I don't think it will hinder my recovery either, since I can and do freely forgive him and harbor no resentment, but that is another matter from wanting a dangerously violent felon in my life.
At the same time it is a little sad. No matter how sorry he is his first child will always be a stranger to him. He sees her around town and she does not know him. It is tragic, she is a very sweet, loving and respectable young lady, a daughter that makes you proud. He knows he has nothing to do with that...she does not even know him when she sees him...
I wish more alcoholics would think of tomorrow when they refuse to go into recovery. I can tell you that if my EX knew then what he knows now, he would never have touched any drugs or alcohol. When he was younger, he was ready to throw us both away for his addictions, now that he is older and sick and broken down...he would do anything to have us back...but it is too late.
I think more recovering alcoholis need to understand taht forgiveness and acting like nothing happened and everything is OK again are two completely different matters. I can forgive my EX and still refuse to speak to him or have him in my life.
I sometimes feel bad about this...so I want to thank you for reminding us that letting go of resentments does not mean you have to stay in a relationship. I used to be very resentful about my EX, but not anymore. I have forgiven him and moved on...far away from him.
He, on the other hand...will need to continue to work on his recovery and accepting that sometimes all of the amends in the world will not make people love you again and want you back in their lives.
I guess I am extremely lucky in that HP gave my A and myself a lesson at the same time when he got ill/sober. His continued sobriety is somewhat like the movie Scrooge. His near death woke his arse up in a big way. He neither wants his old lifestyle or to drink himself in to that condition again. For me, I had big resentments, I mean HUGE. Everything from the death of our daughter to the usual...drunk Holidays, unkept promises, his bar buddies and drunk golf always had priority etc.
I am also lucky in that my A was never verbally or physically abusive but his abuse consisted of never being here. I felt responsible for everything, including trying to be both parents and doing boy things..., although by being absent I can now do carpentry, electric and plumbing work..lol I hung on to the things he did for years. A big one was the day we buried our daughter. After the funeral everyone went back to his Mother's house and he vanished. He slipped out and went to the local bar, just vanished, leaving me alone there..
When he almost died, even though I had wished it 1000 times, when it came down to it, I realized that I still loved him very much and would rather have him the way he was then dead. The moment that the Dr. told me he was in renal failure and his body shutting down, all those resentments, or at least my harboring of them fell away. After he was released from the hospital he was still very, very sick and weak. That is the point (early sobriety) that we usually try to get that foot in the door to remind them how rotten they were. We feel so "not heard" while they are drinking, I can truly understand why one would try to make them see just what devistation and havoc they have wreaked on us and the family. I can't say I wouldn't have thought to do the same had he not been so sick. Not just physically, but the detox made him mentally unstable too for a few months. Not only did I let go of the resentments, I did something I said I would never do..I took care of him. I always said if his alcoholism disabled him in any way not to expect me to care for him, and there I was, shaving him, helping him to walk, shower and dress. Humility at it's finest. It was impossible for me to resent someone that fought so hard to live and struggled day to day, understanding that he was mentally flawed and not knowing if he could ever do his job again, which consisted of dealing with millions of dollars, contracts etc. He couldn't even dress himself, let alone put 2+2 together.
Caring for him for months also made me realize just how much the disease had a hold on him. His body totally rejected sobriety. I realized also all those years when he kept trying to get sober (a few days at a time) that when he said he was sorry, he just couldn't do it, he meant it. His body would not let it happen.
So, even though the whole ordeal took every bit of strength I had and some I didn't know I had...HP took care of both of us. He is sober and enjoying life and I have let go of 19 yrs of resentments.
It's odd, even though we went through hell and back, we both feel very lucky that these things were removed from us almost instantaniously through this experience, without the years of work it usually takes to get there. Don't get me wrong, we still have much work to do on ourselves, but I feel blessed that working through years of resentment is not part of the work. That's out of the way and we can get to working on us..
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 10:48, 2006-12-08
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Good post.For anyone out there married to an A who is in early recovery, please,please hear this.Stay with alanon.Work it,get a sponsor, etc,etc,etc.For the sake of your marriage and for your own sake.
I would not listen to anyone when my AH got sober and I did not stay with alanon until my marriage finally fell apart.I believe if I had stayed with it,either my marrriage would be better,or we would have parted long ago and I would not be going thru this now, I would be settled into a better life than what I have lived the last 16 years and I could have avoided all that misery.
Life has definitely been more difficult since he got sober,Alanon would have made it better FOR ME.
went on! I realized my part in this relationship. I no longer blamed myself for his lack of recovery. But I do accept my role in the relationship. 