The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was actually in response to his statment that he was a good dad. I said that he really needed to step back and take a long hard look at the reality. He didn't agree. Luckily whenever he calls it's a payphone and we can only talk for so long otherwise it might get nasty. I really don't want to see him. I'd rather not deal with him until he gets his life in something that resembles order like a place to live at the very least and perhaps a job? Then perhaps he will be able to contribute somthing to his son and I'm not talking about money.
I have never met an alcholic who did not have some level of delusion or reality disorder. That's why it's called a disease of thinking not a disease of drinking. In truth, all of us on the face of this planet at some level or another will need to look at our lives, evaluate them on their current level, and like a grocer looking at the value of stock, evaluate how much good our lives are doing us as they are now and how much they're hurting us. After all, that's the point of the 4th step, right?
But, of course, this doesn't happen. This is a program of desire and not necessity. Our rooms are never so full we have the luxery of hiring a bouncer to "filter out the less thans." Even here on the board, disreguarding whatever the al anon guidelines are present, this too is a place of desire and not necessity: no matter how much someone likes what I say, whether or not they apply it to their lives is up to them and visa versa.
I think what you're really asking is how to have a conversation with someone who isn't changing. This person won't change. I remember when I realized that the key reason I don't do well with my matriarchal family is because it's like watching the exact same tv show, exact same episode over and over and over. Nothing changes with them. Someone has cancer; someone goes bankrupt; a couple of nieces and nephews have done tours in Iraq; the solution hasn't changed. They drink over it. Rather than seeking the spiritual solution to the human problem, they use human means to alter human circumstances. This isn't a long term solution. It's an escapist solution. It's a solution pre recovery. And all it does is add sludge to the engine, making it run slower.
I would ask your lawyer how best to navigate the waters of compromise and conversation with your husband. I would also talk with your sponsor and do some serious journaling and praying about it. Ask for the godly solution, the godly words, and then let god show you the path. Your lawyer will inform you how to talk and what to cover in your conversations so that the children still have their father in their lives (he IS their father) and your sponsor willl discuss how you have your husband in your life without strangling the man.
I've been in that position of sheer frustration and rage with the A many many times. Nothing much changed. I expressed my rage and frustration we butted heads that is about it.
I also would rage on and on about how he put me last. He still puts me last. Last night for once I stopped raging and started dealing with that I am really on my own. Today it doesnt feel that awful. I used to feel so so betrayed by the A and his lack of attention and total obsession with his image. These days I don't. I choose not to. I know how it is to be so angry I can't think straight. I also know expressing it to the A got me nowhere. The A I deal with does not deal in reality. After all he spends thousands each year dealing with his reckless driving. If he realised he had a problem he'd stop. He doesn't. There is something in him that wants to act out and I am not willing to be part of that acting out anymore. Of course it isn't over till its over. Leaving an alcoholic relationship for many of us is a long long process. I know for me in many of my relationships there was a time when I'd had enough and I left psychologically. As long as I was raging and trying to convince him of his dysfunction I hadn't left.
I feel sad for your children. The issue is that if you recover they will have one recovering parent they will have something. If you don't recover if you fight with the A for ever and it is a possibility and I know full well what a hold rage can have on one they won't have that. Of course there has to be avenues for you to express your frustration and rage it doesn't just go away. At the same time trying to convince an A their behavior is destructive is a tough road and one that has to be tred carefully. There are ways to do and there are ways to contribute to it. I had no idea my raging was contributing to the A's ways. He would run off and be gone for days all because he could claim I was raging at him. He could claim I was some crazy woman and I certainly acted like it. Those days are gone now. He will never affect me in that way again. I will never give him that kind of control over me again no matter what he is not going to push me over that edge anymore.
Maresie, what you said got me thinking about something I heard on TV yesterday about how there are no victims, only volunteers. My ex (A) said to me last night: why do I always say he's always doing things to me - like 'you're an arse to me, you use me, you make me feel xyz'. Then I realised hey that's right -I have a choice whether or not he affects me and I have a choice to listen to him or take it to heart and believe it.
Forget about him!! I guess for so long *I* just kept coming back for more. Maybe because I had low self esteem, or I thought that I could talk him around, convince him that he was being destructive, that he was wrong, that he was a hurtful person.
in response to his statement "i think i'm a good dad"
his statement, true, false? what does it matter? it is a different reality that we live on. my wife convinced 30 yr professional rehab Doctors that she only drank once or twice a week, and only had a couple beers. the truth is... that is the truth, to her. she has convinced herself of it. as the end of our marriage creeps closer and closer, denial STILL keeps her from addressing the true issues... it ain't just a river in egypt, baby... nooo way!
take it to heart
*advice*
next time you speak with him, ask him nicely (not smartastically) to make a list of the reasons he is a good father to bring to the next conversation. then validate the ones that are true, and ask him to look at a different perspective for the ones that are not... then he can learn and see... after all, us telling our A what's wrong with them has NEVER worked.
with love
cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
