The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every time I talk to him I feel angry and mean. Why do I feel like just saying what he doesn't want to hear is being mean? I said a lot of things that are true, that are hurtful that i know he doesn't want to hear. It doesn't make me feel better to say them, it makes me feel bad but he is delusional about how he is or has been. Now that he knows the money is coming today he's all on that. I really don't want to give him any, feel like i may as well just take it to the bar and give it to them now when we could really use it.
I was still trying to control the A when i said mean things to him. Now I certainly am angry at him (you can tell that from my posts) but I stopped the raging. I didn't have much control when I was raging. A friend of mine really helped me with that. He pointed out that I was totally out of control with my feelings. As long as I was out of control with my feelings I was not moving ahead.
I was still trying to control him and take it that I could do something about his alcoholism and his other issues (debt and more). I now stopped raging and feel more productive. I don't think I could stop raging till a friend helped me with it though it was totally compulsive I was totally consumed with rage at him.
He may or not be dillusional. My A said he always knew the truth but he had to protect the disease no matter how he lappeared. It's really a non issue to bring up what they've done. It' can't chnge the past. If you are doing it to validate the pain he has caused, come here for validation, you won't get it from him as long as he is in the grips of the disease. And you're right, it only makes you feel worse. You walk away unvalidated and more angry and he's still dillusional and in denial.
Who's money is it that you are getting? If it's yours, it's YOURS.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've been there too - if only we could show them the errors of their ways, if only we could get them to think rationally, if only he could see what he was doing to himself, to others, to me, if only.....the rage is strong and comes on fiercely -sometimes out of no where. I rescue, then I persecute, then I become the victim - Yucko - and this is my behavior not his. I'm getting better at trying to detach and trying to regroup when I feel that urge to get mean and nasty. I also have to remember that this is my cycle - so I need to make sure I don't start it all off with enabling and rescuing...saying yes when I mean no, feeling responsible for his feelings and behaviors, not allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. I'm learning to detach - the more I detach the more I get in touch with me. I am powerless over another person's thinking, I am powerless over another person's actions. I can say gently what I mean but then let it go - there is nothing I can do. They have a disease - losing control of our feelings and jumping on the ride with them gets us ill too. We need to be healthy for ourselves.
