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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A called today after a week of no communication so I told him the house was closing today. He wanted to know if he could come stay for a couple of days for his son's birthday. I said I didn't want him staying. In reality I don't want him to come at all. I really would prefer not to see him. He of course asked if there was someone else *rolling my eyes*. I said no but I get weak whenever I see him and I still have a lot of bitterness and resentment. I said he could come on the day for the party (Sat.) and see him. I feel guilty because my son loves him and really wants to see him. I know in my heart that it's not about his son, he wants to see him sure but not for my son's benefit, for his own. It pisses me off. Every time he comes my son cries and cries and begs me to let daddy come back and breaks my heart and his. I think he loves that though and hopes that it will make me say ok come on back. IN HIS DREAMS!! It just hurts my heart and his and my son's. I am at a loss of what to do. A is staying in a shelter in Wilmington, an hour away. No car, no job, no home and I really don't feel like dealing with him.
Sorry you're hurting. I can understand you not wanting him in the house overnight. Any chance that there's a cheap motel nearby that he can stay? Maybe that way he can spend time with your son and you will feel more secure. If there is a place for him to stay maybe have a firm understanding that if he does come he has to leave by a certain time or else he breaks the deal. Just a thought.
Happy Birthday to your son. Love and blessings to you both.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
CG, I am so sorry that you are feeling hurt and guilty, but you know you are doing the right thing. Stick with your boundaries; walk tall and proud. You can make it. And your son can too. All of this is devastating your soul especially knowing the boy wants his dad. He doesn't understand now, but in time he will. In the meantime take care of you and the boy, and let HP see to the A's life.
All good wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can definitely empathise with the rage. I can also understand that I want to behave these days with dignity. These days when the A spews venom or manipulation I answer calmly. I keep my eyes on the prize. What's the prize for you to make the A pay or to act calmly. I totally understand wanting to make them see what they've done. I think when I was doing that I did not understand the whole concept of denial. That's pretty amazing really because I grew up in a family that is still very very much in denial about the abuse/control/dysfunction issues. I know now I don't necessarily want to bring someone out of denial. There is a long long process after coming out of denial for a lot of people it doesn't happen overnight. I do want to conduct myself with dignity though and I don't want to be a rageaholic. I think that's what is so common for so many alcoholics they can claim they have this horrible mean person at home so they are justified in all their lies, manipulations and actions. I don't allow the A that opportunity anymore. I don't have any investment in that he'll get sober or sane (I think his anger is totally out of control otherwise why would he crash vehicles at least twice a year and run up speeding tickets that he can't pay). I do have an investment in myself though.
I also understand that your children have grief. I've been through my periods of just wishing the A would disappera in some way it would be so much easier on some levels if he moved, died, just disappeared. That isn't my reality though. I try to deal with reality these days. I don't like it. I don't much want to but I want to be able to look back and know I don't have to inventory why I did certain things anymore. I want to be an adult for once. The A can't be for whatever reason he wants to remain an emotional child, life on his terms or he'll tantrum and use. I don't have to join him there anymore. I'm not prepared to destroy myself on any level anymore because he's obnoxious, using, destroying himself.
That's a really tough situation. Sounds like it could be a chance for you to test out those boundary setting skills. For example, Can you say to him . . .
You are welcome to attend the party, but you must not be under the influence. If you are, you will be asked to leave. If you don't leave voluntarily, you will be escorted out. You are not able to spend the night at this house. You will need to make other arrangements.
or
I am uncomfortable with you attending the party. But I am willing to bring him to visit with you for a few hours. (this way you can meet him at a public location, McDonalds, the Mall, etc., and if he acts out, you can leave whenever you want. Puts you in control of your serenity and safety)
Your son may be disappointed for a little while, but he would be more disappointed if his Dad would show up & ruin his party by causing a scene.
Seek your HP's guidance, trust your recovery - You know what is best for your safety and peace of mind. Remember you can't set a boundary and worry about other people's feelings. It's about taking care of You.
Good Luck,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Why do they think there is someone else if you say you don't want to see them :p ! (My told me last night that when he saw a car parked in my spare space here at my apartment and I answered with the chain on the door (because I didn't want him to come in) that he thought someone was there, and that's why I didn't want to see him! Crazy.
Anyway.. I think it's okay for you to still have some feelings for him or natural for you to feel a bit weak when you are around him. But you don't have to let him know this. You could come here and tell us or write it in a journal.. think of everyone here who supports you and about staying strong to get what you want and need in your life for you and your daughter. You sound like you are doing SO well so far!
Love and blessings to you both.
