I am pretty focused on the beginning of the year right now because as you all know I am not much looking forward to Christmas. I am also trying to start each day over with a new determination and new actions.  Today I have another interview.  I will have three interviews this week which is new for me and somewhat suprizing given this time of year is slow. Admittedly one of them is for a very very part time (over the holidays job).  I also took some action on an infection I had and went to the doctor when I should have gone to the doctor about it months ago.  I was moved because the A goes to the doctor all the time and is always lamenting he is sick. He has time and energy to go to the doctor even though he is practically bankrupt so I went and paid for the medication myself (my insurance plan won't cover much).

I have another appointment for another doctor in a week or so and I hope to be able to get back on track with some of my routine stuff I have not been doing.  I'm no longer overwhelmed at the prospect of being on my own whatever is in the future for me at the end of plan b I'm just getting up every day and doing what I have to in order to take care of me. Some days I do better than others but I do make progress.  I hope soon to be out of the poverty trap I've been in.  That poverty trap has been manipulated by the A that I have to pay for stuff he's supposed to pay for.  He's a great manipulator.  The issue is the relationship isn't reciprocal its all one way towards him and his needs and I am not supposed to have any.

Last night for once I set limits on him. When I've asked him to carry in groceries before he's ended up smashing the bottles of milk he is so resentful.  I don't need his tantrums so I carry them in myself.  I don't argue with him I just don't ask him for much because he is incapable of giving anything except to people he puts on some kind of a pedastel like his mother.  At one time, for a very very short time I was on that pedastel, I've stopped wanting to go back to that time.  That isn't "real" either because I don't think he is capable of being real.  He's only capable of spilling his emotions all over the place like he spills the milk. And I don't need to take care of an adult child because I'm afraid of being alone.   I just need to take care of me one day at a time one moment at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time until I can get unemeshed from him and move on to whatever my higher power has in store for me. I'm ready for it now it doesn't scare me anymore and I want it now rather than dread it now.

Maresie.