Today is the 5 year anniversary of when my mother died very suddenly.  The A at that time was totally not there for me on any level. I did not have the space then to acknowledge it.  That's pretty key for him not to be able to be "there" on any level at key events. When I've been sick he's been bored in the waiting room or disputed that I am really ill. When my mother died and I got the call in the middle of the night he didn't hug me or hold me at all.

He claimed recently that it brought up stuff for him about his own fathers death and he didn't appreciate being triggered.

I think back to that time and feeling so so alone and having no one really to talk to or share with.  My best friend at the time abandoned me (she had significant mother issues).  I never really expected to have anyone there for me in my life.  Now I do. I have people who care on this board. I have people who are interested of how I am in my life. I have people who I can call.

Now I am not alone and that is so so key.

I think its taken me years to see how the A has never been there for me and stop my compulsively being "there" for him and picking up for him and taking care of him at my own expense.  These days I am not "there" for him in the same way. I'm not trying to make him be "there" for me either. I surrendered. Whatever it is that makes it impossible for him to be "there" I no longer take responsibility for it.

I ask him for very very little these days but I never ask him for emotional support. I will not share with him that it is the 5 year anniversary of my mothers death and I am sad. Why go to the butchers to buy bread. I've been down that street and will not go anymore. I am grateful for the support I have now but I want more. I want to be cherished an dloved and cared for and known. That will not happen with him I know that much. He fakes it very well for a time. He faked it very  very very well for a time when we first got together.  Whether it was fake or whatever it is gone now.  Now all that there is that I see is his addiction particularly at this time of year. He is cranky, argumentative mean and nasty and has a foul mouth and I try to spend as little time around him as possible.  I think that was there in the beginning he had it about his past girlfriend and called her a drug addict and a degenerate.  Of course he was describing himself but I did not see it then he put on a great great smoke screen for a long time. He could not do enough for me and now he cannot do anything unless there are consequences.

I know for me at the moment that he reminds me very much of my two sisters, one a rageaholic (and the A is very much a rager) and the other an addict. On a day like today I wonder how my sisters are doing. They live near my mother's grave and they will undoubtedly go there.  I wonder how their addicitons are managing them and I wonder if they will ever be free as I want to be free. And I wonder when it is that I will stop having people in my life who remind me of them.

Maresie.