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Well, I went to my first f2f last night, and am thinking I dont want to go back...I went there thinking I would find..I dont know what...something...but alls I found was a bunch of bitter old birds hell bent on bashing their A's...ALL A's as a matter of fact... I wanted to scream "I KNOW what kind of hell you go through living with an A..thats why Im here, remember?" I wanted someone to tell me why my A could walk out and take everything with him and I STILL love him and miss him so much sometimes I think Im going to die, why no matter what hes done my heart still hurts so bad I cant breath sometimes because were not together, I know Im doing the right thing by not being with my A right now, but I still want to be and I need to know WHY I feel like that..WHY do I keep going through this over and over...and how do I fix me so I can stop doing this to myself? I know I need help with this, I dont know the answers and was hopping to find some at that meeting...I know nobody can tell me what to do, but there HAS to be something in some book somewhere that will explain how to fix me, what do I need to do to get better? It may sound selfish to some but I have tried for 2 years to "fix" my A...I have given up on that..now I need to work on me...and I need to know where to go for that....are ALL f2f meetings like that? I felt worse after the meeting than I did before.LOL They cant all be like that can they? Somebody PLEASE tell me their not!!!! LOL And could somebody please tell me if there are any other ways to go about this? Im not sure f2f meetings are for me.
Thank you all for anything you can share with me...hope you are all well and warm.
I'm so sorry that f2f was not a good place for you . Might you try another one?
I lucked out. My once a week group is all women, they almost never talk about their A. They do talk about how they feel, what helps them get through and the progress they have nade in their lives. There is no bashing and there is no bitterness. They seem to accept responsibility for trying to control and for not letting the A have his or her own dignity. It's very new to me but somewhat soothing. Since I am the newest one in the group, I do talk about my son, because I seem to be the only one in such a mess at the moment. They are kind a very loving to me.
So sorry to hear that. I have 2 groups I have gone to and neither was like that. Again, luck and leadership. There are some old-timers in both my groups who don't "govern", but are quick to remind us all to speak alanon here. I am glad they are there.
Keep looking. If there are other meetings in your area, try another or 2. The people definitely effect the atmosphere.
At times people feel the need to vent in a safe place. I have not experienced the whole room doing it at the same time, or keeping the focus on someone else.
--- Then their is your question. --- "...tell me why my A could walk out and take everything with him and I STILL love him and miss him so much sometimes I think Im going to die..."
There are many reasons for that for me. I felt that way off and on over the past several months. My AW and I are seperated for 2 months. I love her dearly, I will never understand why she does and says what she does. The minute I seperated my decissions from my emotions, I felt better.
I decided that I am not willing to live with an active A. That is a perfectly valid decission, not one I particularly liked to make, but one I really needed for me. Ok so that is out of the way and what is left is feelings "guilt" - supplanted by her saying this is all my fault, "failure" - that I was not capable of fighting this disease for her, "betrayed" - because she refused to get treatment for her illness....
I know these are not warranted feelings. I understand that I don't have to feel guilty just because she says so, I know that nobody can fight her disease besides her and her HP, so I haven't failed, just stepped asside and let them get at it. Why should I feel betrayed... she didn't decide one day to become dependant on alcohol, it's a disease.... but I feel them all from time to time just the same.
Most of all, I make huge allowances in the name of love, for behavior I wouldn't tollerate from any stranger. We have been married for 15 years, and I do love her very much. But I taught her over the years that I will allow her to act badly towards me, and I will reward her for doing so.
We are having to learn all over again how that works, and it is tough. You are not crazy, you are likely feeling many emotions.... and they come from all over the place. Take deep breaths and take it slow. Every question doesn't have to be answered at once... it will come to you in time. Just don't beat yourself up over emotions.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
