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How many times have I heard in an open AA meeting those words from the promises....we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it....something like that,I may not have it exactly.
I understand why an A may want to shut the door on their past.The trail of devastation.My question is, as an alanon member, not an alcoholic...is it ok to shut the door?
I grew up amongst alcoholics...father,sisters, brothers.Married one.However I am beginning to believe that the most damage was done to me by my family, not my husband.Even tho I married him very young..17..by far the most traumatic experiences were subjected upon me by them.
I shake inside as I think about this.I have been pretty much an outcast from my family.Unfortunately until this year, and alanon,(now in my 50's) I did not realize why.I always believed I was different,weird,strange.What's wrong with me that I don't drink,hang in bars,sleep with lots of men,etc,etc,etc.I blamed it all on fear.I was a fearful child and have remained fearful most of my life.Intellectually I knew it was a good thing that I did not do those things.But inside I really thought I was 'square' ( as we said in the 60's). Being square was bad.Squares were nerds,people made fun off them.It was best to be cool.Cool meant drinking,sleeping around,etc.Oh, and doing drugs of course.At least in my family it did.
I married a square also.No one in my family believes he is an alconholic because he only drank beer and didn't hang in bars or run around with other women.In fact ( this will take you back...),he drank 3.2 beer, lol.No way he could be an alcoholic.Well, I lived with him and he was..is.I just stopped trying to convince my family,guess I wanted them to think he was cool after all, maybe that would make me accepted.
I have never been accepted.No matter how smart I was,how,funny,how well I knew all the songs the family would sing from all the 'hep' radio stations.I stayed married while they all got divorced or went from relationship to relationship.I stayed distant,because I didn't fit in.Also because I could not deal with all the drama and crisis that was constant.Babies born,babies aborted,babies adopted out.I never got pregnant.Again, weird,different.
My relationship with my mother has never been good.She did not approve of the man I married.She thought I'd be back home in 6 months pregnant,that's what she told me.I wasn't.I would have taken any abuse from him to keep from going back there.Over the years she got angry with me every time I put my husband first over "the family".To her 'the family" was sacred."Men will come and go but 'the family' will always be there".How many times did I hear that!.She has told secrets I trusted her with,she has told lies about me to make me look bad.She has repeatedly pushed me away and hurt me.
I watched over the years as 'the family' was not there for my sisters who attempted suicide...me and mom were there...when my brother died of cancer...me and mom...when my sister fell down the steps.....me and mom...when my brother was hit by a car ....over and over it was me and mom.And my husband.He was always there supporting me and being there for them even tho he knew he was not accepted.
Now my mom is 91.I have come to alanon to stay because of the failure of my marriage and my being forced now to focus on myself.Now I must look at my life.I must face the good, the bad and the ugly.I am still in the grieving process over my marriage.I clung to it for dear life for so long even tho it was dieing a slow miserable death.
I have been trying to do my part in taking care of my mom as she circles the drain. ( sorry,that was crude I know) Recently I admitted to God,myself and another human being that I really do not want to help her.I do it out of obligation.I know that would hurt her if she knew that.Well,maybe it wouldn't.Maybe it would just give her some more ammunition against me so she could die a martyr with me overloaded with guilt.
About a week ago she told me to 'take a break' from helping her.She said she does not think I really want to.She said I seemed in a hurry to leave the last time I was there and I barely hugged her.She said I don't call her much anymore ( I never did but I try to call her about once every week and a half.I find it hard to find things to talk about with her.I force myself to call)She said that over the years I have mentioned how it's always me and her taking care of things and she thinks I resent that.She lives alone but is not independent.She cannot go anywhere by herself.She has dementia,forgets things.She walks with a walker.
My raving dry drunk sister said she will do it all, I needn't bother.We ended up in an argument on the phone because on my day off I did not feel like going to mom's and she really beat me up over that.It ended up a shouting match ( which I hate) and her calling me a sick b....
So, I am taking that break.I tried to convince my mom that I didn't mind helping her but she wasn't buying it.So I said ok.I will take the break.I have not called.She had appointments but the dd (dry drunk) is handling everything.
I don't know how to reconcile this or even if it can be.I have turned it over to God.I have had the thought that my mom might pass away while I am on this 'break'.I thought if that happens I will thank my sister for calling and hang up.I am not interested in attending the phony family bonding session that will follow.I do not want anything my mother has.They can fight over it.
Can I just shut the door and walk away? Do I have to dig and work thru all this?
I do not want to dig up stuff that would be better left buried.At my age what would be the benefit.Can I just let it go? Avoid them and only get involved if asked to.I am not sure if that will cause me guilt feelings.I know I have always...always, been happier and more peaceful when I was not talking to them or seeing them.It was mom's failing health that brought me back into the madness.I don't really want to be there but feel an obligation.
How does one deal with this dilemna?
Thanks for reading, I know it was long. Love you all because you are kindred spirits who understand. dru
Sounds like you really have a heart full of emotions right now - tons of things going on - the marriage ending, mother's illness, family of origin dysfunction, etc. That would be a lot for me to process at one time.
Like we have talked about in other post today, it's about doing what is best for you - what is healthy for you today. Just because you decide to close the door on some of those feelings, relationships or whatever doesn't mean that you can't re-open that at a later time if you decide that you might want to re-evaluate your choice.
One day at a time, One issue at a time - sometimes that is hard, especially when several things hit us at once. It's ok to take time for you if you need it. When we set boundaries, we can't worry how it affects other people's feelings (like your sister). You can seek your HP's guidance on what is right for you in the decisions about your Mom, what will give you peace of mind and as we say "keep your side of street clean". It is my experience with others, that they will say whatever they want to say, no matter what I do - so I should do what is healthy, sane and safe for me.
Praying for comfort, guidance and peace for you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Well your share brought up a lot for me on how my mother was before she died at 85. I was in contact with my family then. I had not been in contact for years. The expectations were really still way up there.
A lot came up when my mother finally died. Ironically it is her anniversary today. I had thought I had done a lot of grieving before she died but there was more after she died. I think you are very very very wise to know your family will probably respnd in a dysfunctional way. I did not anticipate that. I had not that much support.
When my mother died I ironically was on a kind of a break like you are now. I did not feel guilty as you seem to think you might. I knew I had done my best as far as my mother was concerned. I reached out. I set a lot of limits with her and a lot of limits with my family and they do not respond well to my limits.
I do know for me personally and I can't say it is the same for you obviously we are not all the same. There are many many connections for me between the past and the present. My current A who I live with in some ways behaves much like my father did. Ironic that I should hook up with a man like that. At the same time I am not a child (as much as I might feel like one) and he is not the authority figure for me. Nevertheless I do have an extraordinary tolerance for bad behavior as a result of growing up as I did. I had to learn limits with myself. There are certain people I can't work with now, screamers being one of them. I just don't work for them. I work someplace else. I have to learn that about relationships. For me now in the future that will be alcoholism. I think it will also be dysfunctional family stuff. I know I have a great deal of compassion for others about their dysfunctional families but I also know I have had decades of dealing with them. My A's family is a dysfunctional mess with a mother who is a tyrant who dominated every single holiday for ever. Now she is moved but she is not gone by any means and I no longer really want to have that element in my life. I had no limits before because there were no limits in my childhood. Al anon has helped me with limits, boundaries, detaching.
I did a ton of therapy before my mother died. I also felt like I had a support network to deal with it when she did. I did not have that. I know as and when I leave the A I'll want another kind of support network to grieve the end of this relationship. We all deserve support, care and encouragement especially if we never got it as a child. Be kind to yourself, you can take a break and know you did the best you could without the specter of believing you are responsible for everything hanging on you.
FIrst of all big hugs girlfriend, seems like you have suffered misery long enough....life can be enjoyed....if we just enjoy it....
Sometimes, we just have to let it go....we have to find a way to move forward, not suffer anymore....and just let go...
My mom and I don't get along at all since my husband is no longer living here....somewhere in her mind s he thinks I need her to tell me how to live my l ife.... it's mine...and I choose to live it my way.....I am a good human being...I like myself and that is all that matters.....
Take it easy on yourself Dru, you have much to deal with...one day at a time girlfriend.
I am sorry for your pain, it sounds like a lot right now to go through. Thanks for sharing - hope you feel better just getting it out. It is essential, I believe, to feel our feelings and then ask for HP to help us to let them go... though these old feelings of family of origin and long marriages are so strong. We are tied to our marriages, and our families, they are what we know best.
Our relationships with the people closest to us are often strained because of what we expect, what they expect, etc. You have every right to take a step back and take this break for you. Sometimes it means getting a little sanity back. I have also learned that you don't need to explain your behavior, unless it hurts someone truly. Sometimes you just need a break. I have also found that praying for someone else relieves a lot of resentment towards them. I pray for my mom every day and somehow the resentment just lifted. The anger is gone, truly. I really want to spend time with her now, she is getting older and I want to try and make our time together special, we have had a ravaged, hurtful past also.
You sound like you have found a family with us, and I feel the same way. Thanks for being here, and you DO fit in here!!! I wish you peace and happiness and joy with yourself.
