The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, and our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
I was journaling about this today. How in the past couple of days my telephone calls with my mother have been less than successful: her screaming; her projecting her emotions onto me; her "you just don't understand!"; her incommunacations. And, like always, the confusion mire of shame I seem to drown in for days after word. As I was journaling about this, I realized 3 very important things: 1) this was how Little Sarah felt whenever she couldn't make mommy better. Because of how my mother has ALWAYS handled emotional situations, she has always taken a certain pattern: Things are not going my way; I will attempt to force things to go my way; Things continue to spiral out of control; I will look for someone to blame for things not going my way; The person I am blaming will fight back, and I will continue to blame; Things will escalate, and I will leave, cutting myself off from them. Now, as a 4 year old, the first time mom literally packed her stuff up and went MIA I had no way of understanding this pattern--to add insult to tragic and below the belt injury, shortly after mom left, my father raped me. Talk about a faulty logic chain. As I realized this today, another more important thing occured to me, #2 revelation: this was not the first time that my mother had "packed up and gone MIA." Indeed I counted at least 5 (!!) times when mom would simply pack her bags and "disappear", be it into her job for months at a time (Where all I knew about my mom was that she changed the sheets on her bed; I literally would not see her for months at a time as she engaged in workaholism), service work in recovery (it seemed as if all mom did for THOSE months was be active in her recovery, and I was again left at the mercy of my father), or, most painfully, when she actually filed for divorce and moved out for good, telling me the whole way (and today), that if I didn't get my father's drinking under control, I would only have myself to blame when he died of his disease. This led to revelation #3: my mother is projecting shame onto me because she feels ashamed of herself; she has never, or at least not yet, learned how to effectively deal with the feelings of living in alcholism. And, immediately, I felt so sad for her: I could only imagine how guilt ridden she felt as she watched her parents destroy themselves with alchol, with her hard core Catholic beliefs as they drowned themselves in liquor night after night. And, some where, the guilt of making mistakes, it clicked for me, crossed over into the logic that she was a mistake, like I had felt so many times; and again, I felt so sad for her. Like I explained to some of you about pity and enabling, when we allow those we love to be fed by disabling emotions and behaviors, I realized my mom was trapped by her shame, and, most tragic of all, the tools of recovery were right in front of her. She had the way to freedom right in front of her and was/is choosing to stay trapped.
So, now that I've shared how I am, ODAAT, surrendering my shame and how my shame is trapping me in the dysfunctions of yesterday, how are you doing this? Are you trying to at all? As I learn to identify the roots of my shame, I also learn to surrender them. I am powerless over my parents, their recovery and their choices to not persue it. What about you? Are you surrendering these big, heavy things like shame, guilt and fear?
I just wanted to hug you (in a very healthy way) for all of the pain you have endured in your young life.
By working Step 6 and surrendering to my HP (whom I call God), it helps me to realize that some of the character defects I picked up belonged to someone else. My hope today is that I don't carry on my parent's legacies.
Love ya,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow - that is some tough work that you have done on this issue - kuddos to you for tackling this emotion & working thru the shame & pain.
Shame & guilt were two of the hardest things I dealt with in the working Steps. I never even realized the guilt I was carrying and for how many years I had carried all that guilt. working thru it was painful - I spent many meetings unable to share, only to sit and let the tears fall. Finally being able to Let go was so freeing, my HP healing me of that & continuing to heal me of the guilt & shame is another one of the great blessings of recovery.
So grateful that you are here with us - If anyone else is working thru these feelings, hang in there - Your HP will heal those wounds.
Letting go & Letting God,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Isn't it funny how HP guides us to things we need?? I really needed to read your post tonight....I let my negative feelings get to me this weekend. I know my mom has her issues......one of them being manipulation. If things aren't going her way, she forces and pushes and hounds until they do. She had me feeling bad, for saying NO! I have to look out for myself, because no one else will. Even as I know this, I have still been in a slump of sorts today. Why does she not see that what she is doing is not healthy? Why does she continue on...as if she has done nothing wrong????!!! Pretending that all is normal. While I don't really know what it is like for a parent to run off and leave for periods of time...I know what it is like being in the same house with them....and feeling only bitterness and cold for them.
most all of us couldn't, when we began recovery, understand why our A can't see why and how their actions are unhealthy. it is not our chore to make them understand, for that will surely entrap us and the A. it is our job to do just EXACTLY as you have done... say NO. set that boundry. then, don't feel bad. that is their demeanor. love them, but love yourself FIRST.
thank you for posting tonight, there are a ton of people here that have given me the tools and outlets to deal with some of my "not so hot" ideas, cures, therapies, etc.
with love
cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Because of how my mother has ALWAYS handled emotional situations, she has always taken a certain pattern: Things are not going my way; I will attempt to force things to go my way; Things continue to spiral out of control; I will look for someone to blame for things not going my way; The person I am blaming will fight back, and I will continue to blame; Things will escalate, and I will leave, cutting myself off from them. Now, as a 4 year old, the first time mom literally packed her stuff up and went MIA I had no way of understanding this pattern--to add insult to tragic and below the belt injury, shortly after mom left, my father raped me. 
Talk about a faulty logic chain. As I realized this today, another more important thing occured to me, #2 revelation: this was not the first time that my mother had "packed up and gone MIA." Indeed I counted at least 5 (!!) times when mom would simply pack her bags and "disappear", be it into her job for months at a time (Where all I knew about my mom was that she changed the sheets on her bed; I literally would not see her for months at a time as she engaged in workaholism), service work in recovery (it seemed as if all mom did for THOSE months was be active in her recovery, and I was again left at the mercy of my father), or, most painfully, when she actually filed for divorce and moved out for good, telling me the whole way (and today), that if I didn't get my father's drinking under control, I would only have myself to blame when he died of his disease. This led to revelation #3: my mother is projecting shame onto me because she feels ashamed of herself; she has never, or at least not yet, learned how to effectively deal with the feelings of living in alcholism. And, immediately, I felt so sad for her: I could only imagine how guilt ridden she felt as she watched her parents destroy themselves with alchol, with her hard core Catholic beliefs as they drowned themselves in liquor night after night. And, some where, the guilt of making mistakes, it clicked for me, crossed over into the logic that she was a mistake, like I had felt so many times; and again, I felt so sad for her. Like I explained to some of you about pity and enabling, when we allow those we love to be fed by disabling emotions and behaviors, I realized my mom was trapped by her shame, and, most tragic of all, the tools of recovery were right in front of her. She had the way to freedom right in front of her and was/is choosing to stay trapped. 
