The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking, I believe that what I have thought to be love is actually obsession. Now that my obsession is away from me and on the streets I feel a little sorry for him but.....
Now I think how can I "LOVE" him and yet not feel so bad that he's in this position? I am starting to wonder now do I 'love' or is it obsession? maybe it was love once and became obsession? or maybe it started as obsession and just stayed that way. I'm having a really hard time defining the difference. I was swept off my feet as I love to be but it never brings happiness and is that really love?
Anyway any thoughts on that would be nice. perhaps a definition? LOL
a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; "his love for his work"; "children need a lot of love"
any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting";
have a great affection or liking for; "I love French food"; "She loves her boss and works hard for him"
beloved: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment
a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction; "their love left them indifferent to their surroundings"; "she was his first love"
get pleasure from; "I love cooking"
a score of zero in tennis or squash; "it was 40 love"
be enamored or in love with; "She loves her husband deeply"
roll in the hay: have sexual intercourse with; "This student sleeps with everyone in her dorm"; "Adam knew Eve"; "Were you ever intimate with this man?"
sexual love: sexual activities (often including sexual intercourse) between two people; "his lovemaking disgusted her"; "he hadn't had any love in months"; "he has a very complicated love life"
OBSESSION
in psychical research, obsession is an invasion of the living by a discarnatespirit, tending to a complete displacement of normal personality forpurposes of selfish gratification which is more or less permanent.The difference between mediumship and obsession is not in principlebut in purpose, in duration and in effect. Also see POSSESSIONand OBSESSION.
A persistent, repetitive, and unwanted thought. Cannot be eliminated by logic or reasoning
Recurrent and persistent thought, impulse, or image experienced as intrusive and distressing. Recognized as being excessive and unreasonable even though it is the product of one's mind. This thought, impulse, or image cannot be expunged by logic or reasoning.
A recurring, unwanted idea that cannot be eliminated. Obsessive ideas are often unreasonable and disturbing. Preoccupation with an obsessive idea can interfere with normal daily activities.
An influence, notion or fixed idea, which persistently assails or vexes so as to discompose the mind; the uncontrollable desire to dwell on an idea or emotion, frequently involving an urge toward some form of action. (rescuing perhaps?)
compulsion: an irrational motive for performing trivial or repetitive actions against your will An unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone
quickly: Love is demonstrated through actions involving healthy boundries, a level of respect, and a difinitive acceptance of shortcomings, growth, and peace. It allows the other person to have a sense of safety, surrender and acceptance of their inner self.
Obsession asks the person to revolve around the other. It requires complete devotion at a level of restructuring the self. High school relationships and middle school facinations with each person come to mind.
Additionally, an emotionally healthy reltaionship involving love requires no secrets, asks nothing in the way of manuvering and has nothing to offer or require to the extent of "do si do" tri angulation. Note I did not say compromising: compromising is a part of having successful relationships. Manuvering implies a level of "something to hide" at times.
Love is an action. Obsession is thought pattern gone to action.
Carolinagirl--I think a lot of us have a problem with this. I do think for me anyway--it starts out as "love"--not wanting to offend anyone here, but my favorite thought about love comes for the Bible I Corinthians 13--Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not self-seeking, love never fails. I try to be this way with others, I keep on keeping on waiting for the other person to "feel" the love, to understand the way I view love. When they don't seem to understand it I "stay at it" and it turns into obsession---wanting them to see and understand how wonderful love (true love at it's core) can be. I have to understand that I can't make a person view it just like me, I can't make a person "feel" any different (my way).
if you Google the words "toxic love" you will see some really interesting sites about the differences between these two things.... it was an eye opener for me...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Maybe they are connected.....I have not one doubt that I loved my husband with every bit of my being...did he become an obsession........or did I have an obsession on trying to fix him...trying to save him.....
Another thing I learned from Alanon was that I don't have to analize everything.
love, obsession, candy, lies, are just words for things, l abels
I know I feel forgiveness for my A, don't keep account of the injuries,I have always felt the best with him anywhere, doing anything, all my life.
Never have really wanted anyone else. No one else ever truly fit.
Obsession to me sounds unhealthy. sounds like you want something from someone else and unable to accept things how they are.
I believe you know where A is. He is very sick, you cannot control him or where he is or what he does. So I find it refreshing that you are maturing in that part of your program. It is not that you don't care, but it is not your issue any longer. you cannot change it so why worry over it?
For me, I am naturally distancing myself from A. When I find something of his, out it goes. I don't care at all.
I don't care if he loves me anymore or not. Just don't. he could come on his hands and knees and I would have NO desire for him. Love to me is healthy. I know I love him, but I also know the truth of the situation.
If I was obsessed I would take him back after all the hell the disease puts us thru.
When the hurt reached exponential levels the obsessing hit for me. I obessed in my rage. I obessed in my grief. I obsessed in trying to control someone who was totally out of control. Then I obsessed in his behavior. Now I accept his behavior (I don't condone it). I no longer obsess. I can't say it is easy. He is totally unbearable but I choose not to let it control me anymore. I also choose to focus on me rather than on him and try to change him. He has the right to destroy himself I am not going to stand in his way anymore. He has the right to go to jail if he doesn't pay his fines. He has the right to get liens if he doesn't pay his bills. They are all consequences of his behavior. I allowed my helping him to control me. I now surrendered. He is out of control with his addiction. I accept that. I also accept I am human and need to take care of me. I know that I also choose not to try to stop him anymore.
I have to set many many limits with myself, not with him for that. I choose not to be around him when he is reckless driving (as he is lately) I choose not to be around his foul mouth and his litany of resentments. I choose not to try to help him anymore. I did try. I chose to do it. I accept responsibility for that. I don't think it was a wise choice now but I did not know it was toxic to me. I also chose to behave in ways that were not very respectful raging at him, cursing him out, screaming at him. I do not do that anymore. I do not rage at him. I may feel rage at him but I don't voice it to him directly in ways that are disrespectful. I choose to behave myself and that is healing for me. I may be incredibly frustrated by him but I choose not to allow his behavior to control me any longer.
To me love is about who and what we are. Obsession is about controlling someone or something that can't be controlled and doing it over and over again. Love is healthy and obsession is destructive.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Love the topic and everyone's insight... the only thing I'd add, and one thing a counselor said for me, is that I start to obssess when I have feel fear. Whether real or imagined, I start to get in my thinking mode to try and figure out the solution or control the situation when I am afraid. I usually just get stuck. For me, love is more trusting and brings greater serenity. (Though I suspect we can get afraid in loving situations as well)
