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I am having difficulties with my distorted thinking. It's getting in the way and I find myself consumed with negative thoughts about my Sober "A". I want it to stop but I don't know how to stop it. When I feel this mood coming on I read my litature, talk to an alanon member, my counselor. I meditate, say my serenity prayer, but nothing seems to help right now. My "A" is doing great but I get negative thoughts about him from a few things that I am faced with right now. I know I need to TRUST him and believe me, I want to. It's only been 3 months since his sobriety. Maybe it's the holidays approaching and I am afraid that things are going to go haywire, when really they are going great. I just don't know. If anyone has a quick fix for me to stop this thinking please help! I want to have a good holiday with none of these feelings inside of me. I have been abused all my life by several different people so when something good is happening in my life I feel it is to good to be true.
Here are four tools that I have used to help me STOP negative or obsessive thinking:
1. I write out a list of 5 choices of how to spend my day. As one option, I have the option two obsess. Here's my list from a time when I did this: a) Obsess from 9-5 b) Study for my exam c) Study for my exam and take a walk d) study for my exam, take a walk and make a delicious dinner e) study for my exam, take a walk, make a delicious dinner, call and Alanon friend and focus the conversation on me. Guess which option I chose? LOL. Why, e of course! Just seeing it written out this way helped me laugh a little at myself and get off the obsession track.
2. Write down all my negative thoughts and challenge them. Here's an example from when I was taking a dance class and realized my internal dialogue was ruining my ability to enjoy my experience.
Negative Thought Challenge
I am SOOOO uncoordinated! I am never going to get this!!! It's not that I am uncoordinated, it's that this is my first dance class. I'm doing great for a beginner!
I found that once I went through ALL my negative thoughts and challenges they POOF everaporated away!
3. I have made an appreciation list. For me, the slight difference between an appreciation and a gratitude list, is that the appreciation list focuses on ME and how much I appreciate all I have done towards my own recovery and my own life. Recent features on my list: I appreciate I well I have been taking care of myself during the past year. I appreciate how regularly I attend my Al-Anon meetings. I appreciate that I took myself outside to see the first snow of the season, etc.
4. I do physical, sensual things for myself focused on delighting the senses: sight, sound, smell, taste. I find this really gets me regrounded in my body. I workout, I vacuum, listen to music and sing, get a massage, go to a museum, look at something beautiful, etc. I find this really gets me out of funky, stinky thinking!
Last caveat: the key I have found is to be gentle. I often can't will myself to get off my obsessive track, but I find that I am highly distractable and am just obsessing because that's a well-worn track in my brain. I also have found it useful when my attention wanders from my self-care activity, to gently pull my thoughts back to the present. I've found it takes practice, gentle practice. Easy does it! This too shall pass!
I was in a major funk for a while - about 3 years or so. Not because of an A in my life but other things. Anyway, I met a woman who is a healer. She helped me with a lot of things and said that I had some issues with holding on to angry thoughts and keeping connections to people She gave me a little chant/prayer whatever you want to call it. I may not have it down exactly but it goes something like this.
I release you from all Karmic attachments. I bless you and send you on your own path in to the light.
I think that I'm missing a line here but you get the idea. For a while I was doing this with anyone in my life that I had these negative connections to. It really does help. I've even written this down with a person's name on it and said the words as I burned the piece of paper. Sometimes these verbal and physical gestures help to push the mind into a direction that it doesn't want to go.
I am SOOOO uncoordinated! I am never going to get this!!!
It's not that I am uncoordinated, it's that this is my first dance class.
I'm doing great for a beginner!
Sounds like me and my musical endeavors... LOL. My screen name/avatar sometimes is more wishful thinking than reality. I _am_ doing great for a beginner, but I've been a beginner for nine years now, as of this month
I know what you mean--as I am sure many others do!!! Blue Cloud had some wonderful suggestions. My husband has been sober for a little over 3 months and I find myself at times resentful or easily angered by him. One of my major things is of course the financial--it's always there in my head--trying to find ways to buy X-mas gifts for children, family, teachers, etc., bills, travel money for our holiday trip--etc, etc., etc. This weekend was rough particularly one day, b/c his negativity was definitely showing and that is one thing I just get sooooo tired of. I finally had held in all I could and then let it all out--not mean but telling him how tiring it is to hear negative so much and judging so much. (We were at his sponsor's house at the time) It really irritated me for the rest of the day--then on the way home I started thinking how I really needed to let stuff go better--I had told him how I felt, I should then let it go. The only person I was making miserable was myself! I have been trying to make a gratitude list for these times--during these times.
Maybe with practice you and I will both get better about letting it go!! Good luck. I'll be praying for you!
Christmas is very very loaded for me. Every year at Christmas the A has let me down in many many ways. Even when "we" had money he acted out in many ways. His ideal christmas is to get loaded. I can own that now rather than fight it. So this time of year is very very hard. I am also poor, over worked, cold (the house is freezing) and looking for work. I try to focus on the positive. I am healthy - I had asthma for years so my Christmases were one long bronchitis episode. I am active. I am in Al-anon. I have one friend who is interested in me who I check in with each day (I don't go to the butchers to buy bread anymore with an active A).
I think it would be entirely normal to have a period of greiving after all living with an active A can involve constant crisis. When that ends there has to be time to look at what was. I just think its important not to let it overwhelm you. There are lots of tools in al-anon to detach.
I also try to do things for me every day. One of them is to come here. This is such a precious wonderful place for me. I am coming up on one year here and treasure it.
I can very much relate to your feelings. There are several alcoholics/addicts in my life, some in recovery, some not. But there are no guarantees even for those in recovery. These thoughts consumed my every being in the beginning. They still can if I let them.
I know the program teaches not to get caught up in the "what if's", but I tried that with my sponsor & it wasn't working for me. So together she & I did a "what if" - a worse case senerio on my situation with my AH. Worse case would be he would relapse, stop his recovery program, we would seperate and I would be alone & in a bad place financially. Well, this is exactly where I was in Feb 2003. My HP & I made it through that & I wasn't even in Al-Anon then - I didn't have the recovery tools, a sponsor, and the support group that I have now.
So, I look at the "What if" - worse case - I am emotionally, spiritually and mentally more prepared for that situation now. I would be ok - I would have hurt, anger, pain and all the other emotions. But most of all - I would have the love of my HP to stand with me - to walk me through - to reassure me that no matter what my God & I are going to be OK, even better than OK. I also work on having a Plan B in all my affairs - keep my options and choices open so that I can change my plans if I need to so that I can always feel safe.
That is how I deal with the uncertainities of life - it is a little unusual - but it's what works for me. I hope that you will find what works for you - so that you will have the peace, joy, and serenity that you deserve.
Learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free One day at a time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
