The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 3 years in AlAnon, you'd think by now the amazement would wear off of how meetings seem to be "just what I need to hear", and now after spending the morning on the message board, "just what I needed to read."
My AH crossed what I thought was the final line last week. In an alcoholic rage over my teenager not apologizing for an angry outburst, my husband dialed 911 and tried to have him removed from our home. The police refused to come, but in the end my sons and I left. We stayed gone three days. My sons are now staying with their dad, I've returned to our home, and while we look at rental property and gather up funds.
My sons are adament that we have to move out. They don't want to live there any more. They don't want to live with their dad either. They despise his live in g/f, and despise that she'd left and the dad let her move back in despite their feelings against it. I feel alot of pressure from them to start over again, to move out and set up a new household just for them. One is 17, has a year left at home, the other is 15 with 3 years of high school left.
My AH has never been in recovery, isn't interested in discussing recovery. But, after us being gone for three days, he did seem to turn a corner. He and I had a long talk. In his words, He lost perspective of how much he was drinking and the effect it was having. He admitted that he knew the drinking was counterproductive to the anti-depressant the doctor wants him to take. He's only had one drink a day since last Thursday. (it's a BABY step, but such a leap conpared to any other steps in 8 years) He's talking about our problems rationally, he seems engaged in wanting to work on solutions, and heal wounds.
Four days does not two years of turmoil erase. Yet, after years of prayers and trying to Let God handle things, my husband has acknowledged the lack of God in his life, he's sharing feelings, he's letting his actions speak, and I'm liking what I see.
I am beginning to sense that my children want us to move out almost as a form of revenge, of discipline against him for his behavior. They're just mad. They are understandably angry about the situation, sad that they've seen their mom hurt. They've also seen us happy, enjoyed alot of good things from this man, and have taken alot of what's provided for them for granted.
They say they know it will be hard if we leave. They say they understand the potential finiancial burdens, the budget constraints. I don't think they have the foggiest of ideas. Despite pretty much continuous drinking, my husband has provided us a good life, and they haven't had to worry about much.
Last week, my family was saying it was inevitable that I have to move out for the good of my boys. Now that I've had some time to separate feelings and facts, I'm not so sure that moving out sends the right message. If my AH is trying, if he's acknowledging the problems, apologizing and asking for a chance to make things right, maybe we should give him that chance? He's not the only one at fault. They've been rude, insolent and very disrespectful. I've been wrong in letting them assume that lack of respect was ok because he was drunk.
I read another post here that said something about staying the course, but having Plan B. Would it be naive to simply put my "moving out money" into a savings account (maybe even with one of the boys on the account) and let them know that we're going to try to work it out before we bail?
After two years of rages, and screams of "get out", for the first time ever my husband wants to try to make it right. Maybe I'm being selfish in not wanting to leave financial security. I know my love for him is something the boys aren't comprehending. They don't agree with their dad's choices either, it's just that they don't get a say in his choices. Should I really be letting them have a big say in mine?
I know it's a long post. Thanks for letting me vent.
Susan
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Plan B? Yea, Plan B - sounds so official, especially when we're flying by the seat of our pants! (from Dukes of Hazzard, paraphrased by my teenager)
Thanks for posting. I can understand your turmoil and the feeling of having your heartstrings pulled in two opposing directions at once. I have a similar situation with my oldest child and the A and she absolutely will not forget some of the things he has said and done to her. Maybe she shouldn't. We moved out 4 months ago and kids lose all respect for their father when they are more adult than he is. This is a tough situation. In my experience all A's profess their desire to change when the family leaves but usually go back to the same old behavior when they come back. Not to say that all cases are the same but for the most part that's what I've seen and experienced. Promises to change and actually changing are two TOTALLY different things! I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear.
Welcome to MIP - glad you are posting & working on taking care of you.
In your post, you talked about what your sons want, what your family wants and what your husband wants, but what do you want?
Yes, as parents we have the responsibility of protecting our children, but we also have the right to make decisions that are good for us. Just because you decide to give your H another chance today, doesn't mean that you can't leave tomorrow if things return to the chaos.
Plan Bs are great, even having a Plan C, D and E - options and choices are some of the miracles of recovery. You can decide what is best for you today & still have options to change if that doesn't work out.
Try to take it one day at a time - be good to yourself and don't forget to do something nice for you - You deserve it.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My thoughts were all over the place while reading your post, so I'll just throw em out there.. It sounds like you are leaning toward giving him another chance and he is opening up some to you. I wonder would your boys feel the same way if he talked to them too? It sounds like everyone needs to make amends. Your A for his actions and the boys for being disrespectful. An apology goes alot further then silence. From experience, if the kids aren't involved or at least understand the decision, they grow resentful, like they don't have a voice and they don't matter. Family meeting time maybe? Some communication with everyone involved? Even if you decide to go, some apologies can make everyone feel better and may keep the door open for future developments.
Although your A has "cut down", I can almost promise it won't last (sorry to say). One drink will eventually lead to two or an angry episode or some type of stress leads to a binge. It's just the way it is. I really doubt he can maintain the "one drink a day" thing for long. We want so much to believe that it will stay that way but it just doesn't. Stopping is the only true way to fight the disease.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you both. You're right, I'm not good at factoring in what *I* want. maybe because sometimes my wants haven't always lead me down very successful paths.
My close friends (not in the program) are very frustrated that I'm not setting a "move out" date. I think my HP has this in hand, and I'll know the right moment when it gets here.
We definitely need a family meeting. When and how that occurs is most definitely a God thing. My husband's schedule is very unpredictable, and all four of us being able to sit down together will happen when it's supposed to happen. Until that moment, I'm going to continue to pray, and move on with the next right thing. There's plenty in my life to focus on and keep busy so maybe I won't worry about all this constantly.
Susan
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Plan B? Yea, Plan B - sounds so official, especially when we're flying by the seat of our pants! (from Dukes of Hazzard, paraphrased by my teenager)
Personally I think that unless you have some help the moving out could be very difficult for you at this time. It is hard to move in a crisis. You could put it on hold gather more funds, gather more resources and see what happens. I am not a big one for acting in a crisis. I have done that and fallen really hard.
I also understand that advice can sometimes be a form of control. The issue is you are an adult. Your kids do not like their father's either that is an option for them. They can exercise their options. As someone who has given till I nearly dropped dead I have to be super careful of doing for others when it might hurt me in whatever way. That is one of the reasons I am stuck with the A at the time. I will not be stuck for ever but right now one of the reasons I am stuck with the A is that I gave him everything and left nothing for myself.
I think program might help. I am not sure how long you have been in program. I have been in a year now. I have to say after a year only now am I able to come with a reasonably clear plan b and exercise it. I have also learned the hard way if its my money no one is going to be given it unless I choose it out of clarity, not guilt, not anger, not sympathy, not compassion but because I choose clearly to give it. I work so so so so hard for my money and I am through handing it over to others for any reason
I know this is such a hard time for you. I read the suggestion for a family meeting, which I think is a great idea--I don't know your time table for going back to a (maybe you have and just your boys are staying at dad's), but maybe you all could have the meeting before you and the boys (or just the boys) move back in. Maybe they will notice the change themselves and be more open to the idea. Maybe feelings can be expressed and shared where there will be better understanding between everyone. Just a thought!!!!
It also might be a good idea to make a pros and cons list--just for your own sake. In the end you only know what is right for you. I hope things go well!
