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I was at my f2f last night and at the closing we all hold hands and do the lords prayer so the math guy who has been tutoring me is on my right. about 1/4 thru the prayer he is stroking the inide of my palm and I FREAK OUT!! Internally of course. He is old enough to be my father and it felt to me like he was hitting on me. Am I just out of my mind and overly sensitive? Perhaps he was just being funny, I don't know but I ran out real quick and haven't said a thing to anyone. My sponsor is his sponsor. I am thinking about asking her opinion on this but not sure if that's the right thing to do. Am I just overly sensitive and over reacting? I like him as a friend and I really appreciate him helping me with the math. Ok Appreciate any thoughts on this.
Next time make sure you are in another part of the circle. Being "freaked out" is a waste of your time. Just avoid the old guy. He is probably one of those old geezers who thinks he still has what every girl wants. LOL!!! If it would make you feel better, dump his tutorial assistance. Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:30, 2006-12-05
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
No, you're not freaking out. Yes, he was hitting on you. No, you don't have to "accept this."
When this happend to me, it happend at the other extreme of the emotional spectrum, a memeber felt it was his responsibility to "set me straight" on how to act in an al anon meeting, and to "let me know" that "I was responsible" for "the well being of al anon." After two weeks of his degrading, upbraiding, humiliating remarks, I took him aside and said "I am not your daughter, sister or mother. We share a relationship that is al anon based. Period. It is no more or less. It is a relationship where we help each other recover from the affects of alcholism the family illness through the program of Al Anon. Although I appreciate that you are feeling fearful about the well being of this meeting, it is not my responsiblity to take care of your feelings reguarding this meeting, and it is not fair that you are projecting your feelings on to me." It shocked him into silence.
If you do not want this to happen again, I strongly urge you to directly, to his face, tell him exactly what you want and do not want out of this relationship. If this relationship is strictly within the rooms of al anon--say that. If this relationship is limited to student/teacher, say that. Directly, clearly, consisely stating the boundry lines of this relationship will for both you and him state where you and him are allowed to go. It will also prevent you and him from crossing these lines, thus keeping you honest. I urge you also to work through this in writing with your sponsor. ((girl)) Keep us posted.
It really doesn't matter what his intentions were - It matters How you felt!! If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you have the right to ask someone to stop, to distance yourself from that person, to set a boundary, to tell them "I like our friendship, but I want to be clear that is all that we are, just friends".
Remember, how he takes the boundary is his business not yours. It is a good thing to talk to your sponsor about your feelings. If your sponsor discounts your feelings, then you might have to look at some other decisions.
Recovery is about learning to trust that inner part of me that my HP uses to tell me what is right for me and what isn't. Maybe he was just trying to be comforting & nice, maybe he was being a "dirty old man", maybe he has an illness that makes his muscles move uncontrollably, maybe, maybe, maybe - That's in his garden -
Bottom line - You have the right as long as it is not mean, vindictive or seeking revenge to do what is necessary to help you to feel safe & comfortable.
Take care of you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
13th stepping, as it's called, is more usual in AA, but it happens in alanon too.
Where better and safer place than alanon to practice setting some limits, and communicating them? Let him know how you feel - you have that right. It is just as much your meeting as his, even if he's been coming for 40 years.
By the way, he might try to say that he wasn't coming on to you, just to save face. Fine, you can let that go if you want, just to keep things simple, but don't let it make you feel bad. Unless he is from another culture, or only 5 years old, he knows darn well that that is a come on.
I must disagree with making some big deal out of this episode. These things happen, and some people take them entirely too seriously. Ignore him. No need to bring down the wrath of God, just stay far enough away so it doesn't happen again. Yes, it bothered you, but letting this sort of thing take up space in your mind is silly. It is not important in the long run. Whistle a tune and cast the unpleasant experience aside. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I would have to agree with Tiger and Rita on this one. I would say something about how you feel. That was just plain WEIRD and really out of line considering the situation. If it ever happened again I would pull my hand away immediately and give him a look like "What the heck do you think you're doing." What he did was a sexual gesture - whatever he might claim that he was doing. And if you feel uncomfortable about it, let him know.
